I feel like that was what we were told growing up. It was the forbidden fruit. It was the greatest sin of all (aside from murder, of course)....
In the meantime--no one really talked to us about anything else. There was kissing... then sex. Kissing. Sex. That's how it happens in the movies, right? Two people's lips are entangled and suddenly their
clothes have vanished and they're in bed together. Kissing leads to directly to sex... with no stops in between.
I actually remember talking through physical boundaries with a few girl friends late one night many years back. One of them was in a relationship at the time and we were asking her about their physicality. She said (and I literally quote), "I mean there's kissing and there's sex... what else is there?" There was no room for her mind to dream up any other way to display affection for each other. My other friend and I held our tongues...for in the moment we thought it better to leave her in a world of naivety and innocence. It seemed pure and good. It's quite possible we made a poor decision in not informing her of the temptations and seemingly endless amounts of gray area between kissing and sex.
Mostly I hate how it's been a subject that Christian circles are scared to address openly-- and I feel like I went through a lot of my teenage years and early twenties asking the age-old question, "how far is too far?" Only I never felt like I could ask the people I probably needed to ask, so instead we asked each other. When you ask each other (especially when you are 16 and 17) there's all sorts of room for justifying to creep in.
Are you still asking this question?
Have you found someone to really talk to about your struggle with physical desire without feeling judged or condemned?
It's one thing to talk about this as an element of the past, but when we step out and mention (especially as females, it seems) that we sometimes want to get down and dirty now...the looks of scorn radiate from all directions.
I've felt alone and crazy a lot as I battled through lust and sexual temptation growing up. I felt like I was one of a few girls who dealt with such issues. I found myself in situations where I pushed boundaries, where I compromised, where I made poor decisions...and in the moment I could always rationalize that since I wasn't having sex, I was okay. As I've gotten older, I've been able to see the ways that this same mentality has latched itself onto many a lady--and I've seen how guilt and fear have woven lies into their hearts.
I think we want to operate on a black and white scale when it comes to sticky subjects-- sex, being one of them. I think this causes us to feel crazy when we feel stuck in the gray matter... it causes us to feel confused, guilty, alone and fearful of others finding out. So we hide, we dodge questions, we come clean to a certain extent without unveiling all.
It makes me wonder how many of us are walking in true freedom.
I'm not going to attempt to answer THE question right now-- mostly I wanted to probe the question.
I do believe there's a right and a wrong when it comes to sex (and all the stuff leading up to it) outside of marriage. I do believe boundaries are necessary. I do believe sexual intimacy can be consuming and addicting. I do believe that the more frequently we engage in sexual things, the more frequently our minds go to that place and the more frequently we find it hard to resist and easy to rationalize.
All that to say, I believe it's something we can and should talk about...especially with our youth.
What do you think?
This is awesome Debbie! I too, wish people (especially in the church) would have been more clear about the gray area growing up. And I think talking about it (especially to our youth) and being able to come clean with our own struggles is so so important. Kudos to you for writing this!
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Well put. The confusion with the nature and purity of sex as both an activity and a topic of discussion profoundly affects Christians across age and marital status. I have found several people, single and married, which contend that sex is created by God and good, but they still find themselves viewing it as dirty and sinful. I know that before marriage, having struggled with lust all my life, I feared expressing any physical affection toward Rachel in front of people--even holding hands--as my youth constantly struggled with getting physical. After getting married, I disctinctly recall having a mother of a youth chide me after church that I was not more physically affectionate (hand holding, arm around) toward my wife in front of the youth so they could see the proper context of physical affection. (I could discuss at length the audacity of her comment or the incredulously strict line of hand holding and the like, but that is a different discussion.) It occurred to me that I had become ashamed of being physically attracted to my wife (even if just a little bit). By treating sex as a taboo and leaving the entire discussion to "just wait", our Christian circles have added a stigma to sexuality and the desire for sexuality; consequently, they have contributed to grave misunderstandings. As a young man, I believe that so long as I kept myself from moving "beyond kissing" I would never have any problems. I had never heard, nor had it ever occurred to me, that I would have to be concerned with a girl pushing my boundaries. I was wrong and unprepared when high school dating finally arrived. Open conversation from Christians is essential for healthy dating and healthy marriage. Thanks for broaching a hushed topic initiated by God.
ReplyDeleteI teach Sunday School for Junior High girls and we were going through the book Weird, so for 2 weeks in Sunday school we talked about sex. I think some hated it, and I KNOW they all felt extremely awkward, I think even some of the teachers felt awkward having to teach it. But I loved being able to teach them about it because when I was growing up we were never taught about the gray areas, it was like you said, kissing or sex. But as I've matured in life and in my faith I've looked back on the gray areas that I myself entered and how much they affected my life. They affected the choices I made, the way I felt about myself (in a negative way), and they separated me from Jesus. As I got older I was able to see how they were affecting me, even if all I was doing was just THINKING about sex, it was still harmful to my emotions and to my spiritual walk. As a teenager I wanted so desperately to talk to someone about my struggles, but who was I to turn to? Everyone in church just taught you to stay pure for your future spouse by not having sex, but what about all the things leading up to sex, but past kissing? So I had this inward battle within me with one side making me believe that the things I had done weren't bad because it wasn't like I was having sex or even getting close to having sex, but at the same time I'd feel guilty like I was doing something wrong. But since nobody talked about it I felt like there was no one to turn to because clearly I'm the only one who struggles with this otherwise we'd talk about it more often! But a beautiful thing happened when I finally shared with someone my problems with lust, I found out that just about everyone I talked to had the same struggles, it wasn't just me after all! It took me until my twenties to be able to come clean with my struggles, and since then I've heard more and more stories from friends that have had similar problems and we've been able to pray for one another, be accountable to each other, and encourage each other. I definitely don't think this is a topic that needs to be locked in a closet. Our youth needs to know they have leaders that they can turn to. We all know the effects of having sex, now it's time to hear about the gray areas.
ReplyDeleteDang Debster, this is a legit blog already. I definitely have had, and still have, questions on what is too far, what's okay and what's not... It's funny because we are trying to get as close to the line as we can without going over. "what can we get away with", ya know? This will be a very intriguing blog that I want to read a lot of. Thanks for talking about the stuff nobody else wants to think about discussing. I love it. Be bold and don't hush your words because I am excited to read this.
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