Just Friends?

I used to hate being friends with girls.

They were dramatic and gossipy and poison to my blood. Besides...growing up with 3 older brothers left me with a lack of understanding for how to successfully function as a female.

For example: I feel weird sharing clothes. I cringe at the thought of holding hands with another girl, not to mention all the cuddling that seems to happen these days. I'd prefer to play frisbee in the waves on a beach over laying out to get a tan. I hate shopping. I feel ridiculous wearing a dress most of the time...not to mention walking in heels. I forget to wear jewelry when I dress up and almost never think to pack it when traveling. I don't have 'cute' underwear.

I can recognize that while I'm maybe not 'girly', I'm definitely still girly in almost every other way. But, growing up I chose to think otherwise. I chose to believe that there was no way I could ever identify with other females on a deeper level and so I elected males to be my close companions. There were a handful girls I connected with throughout junior high, high school and college--but on the whole I found camaraderie with the testosterone.

The same question seemed to present itself in all of my friendships: can you ever just be friends with someone of the opposite sex? 


Tricky territory, indeed.
Probably, yes, you can.
But- I think it's unrealistic to say that we're ever just friends with someone on a deep level without ever considering the possibilities. I think it's unrealistic to say that when we engage with someone's heart, that we can keep ourselves from wanting a more intimate connection with them.

So- I suppose I'd have to wonder what we mean by just friends. Does that mean that you can maintain a friendship without either party ever having romantic feelings for the other? If that's the case, I think it's highly unlikely. Lots of times it's just unrequited.

This is me mostly speaking out of personal experience. When I look at the guys I've been friends with throughout my life, I'd be a liar if I told you that I wasn't interested in the possibility of more with the vast majority of them. If they had pursued, if they had made an effort...I would have gone with it. At least for a little while.

Here's why:
I think we build friendship based on some level of attraction for the other person. It might not always be physically, initially, but the more we are drawn in by someone's personality and heart, the more we start to see them in a new light. When we are attracted to people, we want to spend more time with them. Us spending more time with them allows us room to grow in our friendships, deepen connections, and desire more intimacy with them. Before we know it we're standing in front of our best guy friend and realizing that we don't just love him, we love him. And then everything gets crazy...

I don't really think it's something to avoid, to be fearful of, to freak out about. I think it's pretty natural. I will say that it's unhealthy for us to only seek out opposite gender friendships--we need other women (or men, if you're a guy) in our lives.  That's something I've only begun to recognize in the last few years...and I wish I would have done things differently in this regard.

A few words about the male/female friendship:

• It's always risky. Always. Even if you don't think so going into it-- there's always the chance that he could like her or she could like him....even if you don't find him/her physically attractive. It's crazy the things you begin to overlook when you're able to connect with someone in an authentic way.
• Liking your best friend isn't the worst thing in the world--if they aren't interested, you can usually continue being friends. This requires an understanding and selflessness on your part. It requires you choosing to continue loving that person, even it means they'll never love you back. It sucks, it's hard... but it's worth it in the end. Eventually you'll be okay and thankful that you're only still friends with that person and nothing more. 
• You have to be willing to let go....especially when they begin dating/marrying other people. This was the one thing I didn't take into account when I surrounded myself with male friends--I hadn't thought about what their girlfriends and wives would think about them having such a close friendship with another female. Immediately there wasn't room for me, and I had to be willing to step down and respect their relationship...I had to think about how I would feel if I were her and had some creepy best friend trying to claim my man. The opposite is true, too. If you're the one in a relationship, be very wary of how your friendships with those of another gender can affect your relationship...and be willing to sacrifice if it's necessary. Your friends can and should respect the distances and the changes that are necessary as we move through life. 
• Check your motives- don't become friends with the other gender only because you want to date them. If you're interested in dating them from the get go, be honest about your intentions. 
• You'll learn and grow a lot from each other. 
• You might end up marrying each other! 

Don't avoid the other gender simply because there's fear of liking them or them liking you. It happens. You'll survive. They'll survive. Let this be a season of your life where you can simply enjoy companionship without reading into every dumb thing. 

I've been so blessed by the male friends in my life-- and while our friendships have changed drastically (because of marriages, distance, dating), I don't regret having those for a second. 

Cherish them, if you have them...be open to them, if you don't...and always, always, hold them loosely. 

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