Sometimes I get mad. I see this amazingly cute couple, and I'm like... That's awesome for them. Why did it work out for them and I'm still here all alone, with people asking me left and right, "so, how's the love life?" I know the truth - that I shouldn't compare myself because God didn't create me to live their life; He created me to live my life. And His plans for me are better than my plans for me, and following Him requires faith, and all that. I know that if or when He wants to provide some nice guy to pursue me, He will. But sometimes it pisses me off that I don't have what I want when I want it.Thanks for your honesty. I imagine that these feelings are heightened during this time of the year. I was walking around Wal-Mart today, shocked by the amount of red and pink hearts and sweets around every corner. We are surrounded by thoughts of love and romance right now- there seems to be no escape!
It's especially annoying when you throw the 'amazingly cute' couples into the mix, too. Not only is the idea of love prancing around you, but the tangible evidence of it is in your face. Gross. I'm pissed off for you.
I'm pissed off because, while, yes, I'm currently in a relationship, I think the way that relationships are portrayed are incorrect. I think that we've become so great at putting our best foot forward that we've failed single people. We're so scared to admit when things aren't perfect that we do everything we can to pretend like things are great. We're scared because if things aren't perfect then people will think we aren't right for each other, or they'll offer us advice that we don't want, or we'll just make them feel uncomfortable. Our fear and desire for perfection create this idyllic notion of what love is and that it can be fulfilled by someone else.
So then, as a single person, you get to walk around jealous and annoyed and bitter that everyone else seems to be with somebody and you're alone. Everyone else seems to have found perfection and completion and the person that was made just for them...and because you haven't, you feel inadequate. You're impatient and angry and tired of everyone telling you cliche things like, "just be patient...it'll be worth the wait" or "God plans are better, just trust Him!" (don't get me wrong, I do think these things are true, they've just never been comforting to me when I've been in your shoes). I get it...and it sucks.
I'm sorry we've done you such an injustice.
I'm sorry that we don't talk about the times that we fight and feel like our relationship is in shambles.
I'm sorry that we don't tell you when we're lonely and hurting even when we've found someone.
'cause the reality is that relationships are hard. It's two imperfect, sinful people coming together to journey through life together when neither of them have really figured out their own junk yet. I truly believe it's a miracle that marriage works- that two people can choose to coexist for the rest of their lives, raise children, make life decisions, and simply live together.
I know that you probably know all of this, too... but this is the stuff that quickly gets swept away when you see that cute couple walking by. You forget that it's hard and you can't help but wonder why you don't have the guy.
I don't know why you don't right now... but I know that you will.
And as you prepare for such a season--I challenge you to just take it all to the Lord. It's kind of all you can do at this point. Tell Him when you're angry, tell Him when you're jealous, tell Him when you're hurting, tell Him when you're lonely, tell Him when you're feeling incomplete.
And know that sometimes it just sucks, and that's okay. Please don't give into the lies that once you just let go of the desire to be with someone that suddenly your prince charming will appear. I know that's been true for a few women here and there, but the way that it's become the prerequisite for finding a man seems ludicrous. We're all different and the Lord is going to work in each of lives in unique ways. Continue walking faithfully and letting Him do His thing with you.
Honestly, a relationship with a man isn't really what you're missing, it isn't really what you're craving. It's something deeper, it's something better, it's something bigger and beyond what you can imagine. I can tell you that, but you won't really believe me until you experience it firsthand.
Is a relationship full of beautiful, wonderful things? Yes. But I've found them to be more in the moments of choosing to stick with it when we mess up, when we hurt each other, when we struggle to communicate--not in the moments of slow dances, chocolate candies and red hearts (those are just icing on the cake).
All that to say- get mad and go to the Lord...
and ultimately know that only He will ever sustain you. (I know, I know, cliche... but you can't argue with truth).
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I think sometimes we fail as friends, leaving others lonely, or maybe ourselves. Sometimes that is what we really want: friendship. I know the more deeply I was loved by others in the past year, and knew it, the less I cared about finding a man. But maybe that's just me.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff. I also think that there is something deeper at play here. We're born with a tangled ball of desires, from hunger to the need for companionship, and we are taught how to manage, satisfy, repress, and indulge in those desires. We learn that eating one thing is wrong, and eating another thing is "right." Who teaches us? Well, you could say trial and error, or common sense, but the truth is that most of us learn these things from our environment.
ReplyDeleteA parents role in this regard is crucial. They, more than any other influence, will shape our attempts to address our needs and desires (terms that are often conflated).
But, when parents are too busy, too over-worked, too afraid...or too whatever, kids are sometimes casting about for answers, and the flashing lights of culture are more than happy to step in and fill our needs.
What does our culture say about our desires for a husband or wife? Or better yet, what does our culture say about desire in general?
First, I think culture teaches us that our desires are the most important thing about us. That we want happiness, and getting the things we desire will bring us a measure of that happiness. It also teaches us that we are in charge of ourselves - that we can "create meaning" meaning in our lives. We can invent ourselves, we can be whatever we want to be. We live in an "i" world, where the goal seems to be to get as much as we can while we can....and sit on the can (as a pastor once said).
When it comes to relationships, I think "most" people (the average American - armed with a functionally secular, post-modern worldview, even if they say they believe in a higher power) are afraid no matter what stage they are in. If they are single, they are afraid that they'll be left behind, unhappy, unnoticed, unpicked. If in a relationship, they are afraid that they'll be abandoned, left for someone better, or stuck settling. We seem to always have one eye on the road ahead, looking for the possibility that something out there (the next best thing) will emerge and we should jump at it...and one eye on our can of stuff, making sure that it isn't going anywhere and that no one is trying to steal it. With eyes pointing in different directions, no wonder we're disoriented.
My point is that our culture has taught us to think this way. We eagerly await the next thing (iPhone, movie, experience, vacation) because we're instructed by everything around us to consume more and more. The more we consume, the happier we should be (this is the heart of the materialistic worldview). We're also deathly afraid that everyone else is somehow happier than we are. I think this fear is also taught to us by our culture - because we live in a culture that relies on comparison. Apple wants us to compare our phones. Papa Johns want us to compare our favorite pizza. Tommy wants us to look at our neighbors jeans with envy. How many companies want us to compare our spouse, family, car, house, or dog food to our neighbors? Every single one of them.
But it trickles into more than just the material goods we consume. We can't help it. The comparison extends to a juxtaposition of my ability, talent, sense of humor, charisma. Am I as handsome as the next guy, do I have as good a singing voice? Am I as smart? Did I get as good a grade? Why did he/she get that paper published while mine was rejected? Why did he get the job, I thought the interview went great?! Why don't I have more twitter followers or more comments on my blog? Assaulted. That's how I feel much of the time. Who am I being assaulted by? Myself. Why am I under attack, what is the mission? My "happiness." I want to be happy, so I attack everything about myself trying to find ways to improve.
What does this look like in real life? A lot of grabbing for what we can get right now. A lot of anxiety. A lot of chest thumping and "look at me" moments surrounded by valleys of loneliness. See Whitney Houston. I read the other day that the majority of first dates in America involves sex. We grab at what we can get while we can get it.
ReplyDeleteHow do we change this? I think we need an entirely different worldview. We need a different mission (not our "happiness" but something more real). After all, if we're supposed to decide on our own what makes us happy, that's simply too much pressure for us to handle confidently. We turn to something/someone else to tell us how to be happy. Maybe the original existentialists were better at formulating their own happiness, but I think there is a reason why so many of the great humanists eventually turned to despair.
Our worldview is rooted deep within us, and it's almost impossible to change quickly. We can't just rip of the band-aid in one quick, painful stroke. We need to be transformed - and not by our own effort, but by someone outside of ourselves. We were shaped by a force greater than any individual, and our transformation requires an even greater power to correct it.
In Christian "pop culture" we talk about being broken as if it was a good thing - we say that God is breaking us so that he can rebuild us. I think there is some truth to the idea - although I think we sometimes toss the terms out there without really believing the "breaking" is necessary. Sometimes we just want the sympathy :)
I guess I think transformation is what we really want. We are born with all those desires and we don't know what to do with them. We try to put them together in some order, we try to make them listen to us. It's like training a wild horse, and then climbing on it's back and hoping we can ride it to happiness. I think what I really want though, is for someone to get into my DNA and actually give me new desires. Or maybe there is one hidden desire that all the other desires hint at, and if I see it clearly, and if God steps in and meets that desire, all the other desires will suddenly calm the heck down and wait for instructions.
Thanks for this, Matt.
DeleteI think you should write my blog :)