Sunday, August 11, 2019

Showing Up

I've been living in Cupertino, California for the last 4 weeks.
Because life never turns out the way you think it will.

If you had told me a year ago that Kel and I would have legitimately contemplated moving to Costa Rica, that I would be working a job in Human Resources, and that my two-year-old niece would be diagnosed with leukemia... I probably wouldn't have believed you.

But, here we are. Another year under our belt and a whole new set of challenges before us.

The last several months have felt like a "stripping down". A getting rid of the excess. Of having to set aside the things that just don't matter as much. A necessary living out of Colossians 3 (and if you've talked to me in the last few months, I may have already told how this passage has been rocking my world). Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

It all started when our full-time staff was encouraged to fast for 40 days from something as we prayed through some organizational changes. Because of some of the books I had been assigned to read from seminary, I was readily aware of how social media was impacting me in negative ways and so I chose to give it up for a while.

This was the beginning of learning more tangibly what it means to show up.
It meant that I was no longer on my phone swiping or scrolling to see what was going on in someone else's life halfway across the country that I hadn't talked to in a decade. Instead, I was present with the people physically in front of me. Instead of only taking pictures because of how "post-worthy" they might be, I was taking them for my own personal enjoyment or to send to one or two people. Instead of being on my phone because there was nothing else to do, I was showing up in my own thoughts, forcing myself to deal with the silence. Instead of judging a neighbor because of something they said or posted on social media, I learned how to love them in person because I have to take the time to actually know them and not just assume that I already do.

While the 40 days passed months ago, I am still an infrequent visitor to any social media platform. The changes that giving up the habit have caused in my life have been so rewarding, it is hard to imagine going back.

Not too long after, I felt that there was something else I needed to give up that I had been avoiding for a long time. Every time the thought surfaced, I didn't want to acknowledge the harm it was causing in my life and I justified its existence. The truth is, I think that sometimes our habits turn into addictions and oftentimes, these addictions become so acceptable in society. My addiction? Binge-watching TV shows. In a lot of ways, it felt like my reward after a long week of school and work. I justified hours of episode after episode because it wasn't my "norm". It was a way to disengage with my reality. A way to calm my restless mind from thinking about all the things going on, without actually dealing with those things.

I had felt this prodding before-- the demand to give it up. And, every time, I had talked myself out of it. It felt too hard. Which, I know, sounds silly. Mostly I just didn't want to. But I knew that sometimes I was anxious to get home from somewhere so I could escape into an alternative universe for an hour or two before bed. I knew that sometimes it could too easily become a way for Kel and I to co-exist, without actually engaging in conversation with one another. I knew sometimes that I was avoiding time (or drastically reducing) with the Lord because the weekend only has a limited number of hours in it and, if I'm being honest, Netflix got far more of those hours than Jesus ever did.

So, I quit. Because I wanted to be different than that. I wanted to show up for people. I wanted to show up for Jesus, for my husband, for the people in my life. I didn't want to leave early because I really wanted to watch something. In fact, my priorities were all wrong. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. The verse continually pounds into my brain. Put on compassionate, kind, humble, meek, patient hearts. Forgive, put on love. Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly... 

Cold turkey, I stopped watching TV shows, right in the middle of a season.
Because suddenly, they didn't matter. I didn't want to look back and consider the hours and hours (and days and weeks) that I had spent thinking about and caring about fictional characters' lives. I wanted to care about the real lives of the real people around me. To care about real souls. To show up.

I went most of the summer without watching TV, and have yet to enter back into a place where I feel like I should (or want to) watch shows on my personal device, alone.

The craziest part about all of it was that I never really missed it.
I had gained back time. And space. And conversation. And probably some sleep.

I was learning how to show up again with Jesus. The quiet space, where I might normally have thrown on a show while I cooked, or cleaned the house, forced me to be more present with where I was really at, and what I was really going through. I pray more. Listen to music more. Exist in silence more. I tended to the new plants, the chickens, the dogs, the cat.

I show up more.
For the Lord, for others, for myself.

Don't misunderstand: I'm not saying that social media or TV shows are bad or wrong. I know there are so many benefits for social media and the connectivity we have through it. I know that I have missed big life events of people I legitimately care about because I am not perusing these platforms daily (text me, if that's you!). I just know that right now, in this season, being more removed from it allows me to be more fully present with those I am physically with. And, I have not been legalistic about television shows and also believe this can be a communal, fun, enjoyable thing to do with others. What I am actively staying away from currently is the binge-watching, by myself activity that can become entirely too addicting for me as I get carried away in a new storyline and new characters.

Not long after all of these decisions were made, we found out that my 2-year-old niece, Berit, has leukemia. After a lot of conversation and prayer, Kel and I felt like I should come to California to help my brother and sister-in-law out while they navigate living in a completely new area (they just moved from Florida a few weeks ago) and figuring out what treatment will look like for Berit. They need someone to watch Alta, their 4-year-old, while they are at the hospital a few times each week, and while my brother gets his new job figured out.

My new HR job allows me to work remotely and camp has been so, so incredibly gracious in allowing me to do so. In a lot ways, the saddest parts to me about coming to CA for an extended period of time was not being able to see how all of my time with the plants and the chickens would pan out. And not getting to see Archie, our new kitten, grow into a cat. And, once again, the verses pounded within: Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

Show up for people.
In even the silliest ways, I had shifted my TV-watching addictions into a more "fruitful" activity-- watching and tending to things as they grow. But, even this, I was reminded, doesn't really matter. It doesn't have eternal significance.

So I left on July 13 for California.
I will get to see my husband again on August 13- it's the longest we have been a part. At this juncture, I am planning to be in California for most of the fall, minus 5.5 weeks total (where I'll be back at camp and with my husband!).

At every turn, I'm learning more about what it means to show up.
Learning more about what it means to be stripped of the things that don't matter, and to consider how I let the things that do matter become a priority. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. It's like the Lord is saying:

Show up, Debbie.
Show up, in even the littlest ways.
Show up for people.
Show up for Me.
Press into the hard things.
Seek Me, and find Me.
Don't forsake your True Love.
Don't let the opinions of others matter, it is I whom you should please. 

Will I give up all things for the sake of knowing Christ?

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. 
- Philippians 3:7-8-

I have so much yet to learn... 
But I know that taking steps towards the abandoning of anything that gets in the way of Christ (even the things that can seem good), teaches me more about His goodness, His love, and the indescribable ways that the Triune God shows up for us. 

(Also- I can't even begin to describe the joy it has been to be a regular part of my nieces' lives, as well as getting to spend ample time with my brother and sister-in-law. It's like God knows the things our souls actually need, or something...). 


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