Monday, September 8, 2014

Time is Ticking

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking, "Marriage?! Really?! Is that what I really want and am made for?"

Because sometimes I just think about all the things I won't be able to do anymore. I think about all the sacrifices and sharing and ways that I've gotten really good at living life by myself and how I'm not entirely certain that I'll be great at doing it with someone else. I think about how I'm introverted and I like being alone. About how I like sleeping on the left side of my bed and kicking my feet around to find cold spots when I get hot. I like having my own bathroom and spending as much or as little time as I want getting ready in the morning. I like eating my lunch at work by myself. I like doing what I want, when I want.


We're less than 20 days away from kick-off and I'm not having any doubts... just giant reality checks. Marriage is a big deal. It's the only thing I've ever consistently wanted in my entire life and now that we're coming upon the deadline, a million questions soar through my mind. Mostly they just remind me that I'm selfish. Mostly they remind me that I need Jesus.

It's not him.
It's me. Entirely.

Which spirals me further into my path of selfishness. At various points, my mind becomes so focused on what I can and can't give, who I can and can't be, what I want over what he wants (as if my desires somehow matter more).

He is kind.
He is patient.
He is gentle.
He is loving.
He has self-control.
He is joyful.
He has a peace that passes all understanding.
He is good.
He is faithful.
(none of these perfectly, of course... he's still human, after all)

He's more than anything I could have ever picked out for myself and I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. It's just a lot to take in. A lot of change. And suddenly, my life that looked so very different from the vast majority of my friends (with spouses and babies) starts to look a little more like theirs. I think that alone freaks me out a little. I'm used to being different. I'm used to being alone.

There's a season for everything, and my season for singleness is over (finally).

Big gulps.
It's happening.
I'm thrilled. Terrified. Eager. Anxious. Thankful. Learning.

There's a fuller picture of what it means to need Jesus every day as I long to love others like He does. I cannot do it without Him. I cannot get married without the Lord at the center of it. I cannot vow to be all of these things, to do all of these things until death do we part without daily pleading that He show me how to be more like Him through sacrifice and selflessness. Without daily choosing to love and respect a man who is so wonderfully imperfect.

I'm getting married.
I can't even comprehend how I could have ever been ready for the magnitude of this commitment before... and, yet again, I'm thankful for how sweet and perfect the Lord's timing truly is.

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