I would have only partially believed you.
But here we are... entering 2020 with an entire year of unpredictable events behind us, unsure of what this next year might hold.
I've probably cried more in 2019 than I have in a while.
I've definitely slept less.
I've learned a lot.
About God, but also about motherhood... and state laws, 401(k)s, health insurance, and leadership development.
I've learned that, in general, I still like cats more than dogs, that collecting eggs can be a highlight of my day, that the chuckle of a baby's new laugh can bring irrational tears to my eyes.
I've learned that I don't currently feel called to overseas' missions, that time spent and lived with family is indescribably valuable, and that I am the type of mom who, while perhaps unlikely, prefers to dress her baby girl up with bows and dresses. I've learned that breaking away from the grind of social media and the tendency to binge-watch television shows can be one of the most freeing things to commit oneself to... and that the time gained back can be spent in other, more life-giving ways. I've learned that admitting weakness is a necessary part of parenting and that I can't always juggle all the things- despite how much I try.
I've learned that the Triune God repeatedly shows up for His people... in His timing and in His way, of course...and that He is making Himself known through things that seem too hard, too heartbreaking, too confusing, too broken, too unjust, and even too good to be true.
I might boldly declare that the Beals who existed on January 1, 2019 are now very different versions of ourselves on January 1, 2020. Perhaps better in some ways, perhaps worse in others. But, definitely different. Our eyes are a little more open, but also a little more weary.
Our circumstances have changed significantly this year. Our day-to-day is entirely different. The potential of what-could-be raps on the doors of our hearts daily. We dream a lot. Our world is full of possibilities marred only slightly by the broken realities. We aspire to deeper. Better. Different. It's a steady mantra in our marriage. To grow, to learn, to love God more wholly and to learn to love others selflessly -- to know God and to know others more deeply. It takes time, which is something else we are learning how to manage in new ways.
Baby K is still with us-- smiling often, finding her voice, rolling over (as of literally minutes ago), unwilling to sleep through the night. We love her a lot and while it seems quite plausible that this might become a forever-in-this-world arrangement, we know not what precarious events might unexpectedly alter the process. And so we love fiercely and hold the future loosely. 2020 may bring Baby K permanently into our home, but it also may take her away from it. (We covet any prayers the Spirit leads you to pray surrounding this situation!)
Because I no longer have school filling up every ounce of my free time, I am considering the ways in which I might spend it (as if a full-time job and child-rearing isn't enough). Cooking or pie-making seems fun right now. Learning new things, without the intensity of writing papers and reading hundreds of pages each week. Learning new things that can bless others (because who doesn't love to eat?). Maybe I'll blog more. We'll see.
All I know is that no year ever turns out how we think or hope it might.
But, all I can ask for this year...all I can hope for... is that I know God a little more at the end of it, no matter what events unfold. That I would know Him and proclaim Him more faithfully, more boldly, more truthfully... whether or not we have a baby, or if I can lose ten pounds, or accomplish all I want to in my job, or if I feel known or cared for by humans on this earth...
My goal and resolution is to press on to know the Lord, no matter what the future holds.
May I look different as a result.
I've learned that, in general, I still like cats more than dogs, that collecting eggs can be a highlight of my day, that the chuckle of a baby's new laugh can bring irrational tears to my eyes.
I've learned that I don't currently feel called to overseas' missions, that time spent and lived with family is indescribably valuable, and that I am the type of mom who, while perhaps unlikely, prefers to dress her baby girl up with bows and dresses. I've learned that breaking away from the grind of social media and the tendency to binge-watch television shows can be one of the most freeing things to commit oneself to... and that the time gained back can be spent in other, more life-giving ways. I've learned that admitting weakness is a necessary part of parenting and that I can't always juggle all the things- despite how much I try.
I've learned that the Triune God repeatedly shows up for His people... in His timing and in His way, of course...and that He is making Himself known through things that seem too hard, too heartbreaking, too confusing, too broken, too unjust, and even too good to be true.
I might boldly declare that the Beals who existed on January 1, 2019 are now very different versions of ourselves on January 1, 2020. Perhaps better in some ways, perhaps worse in others. But, definitely different. Our eyes are a little more open, but also a little more weary.
Our circumstances have changed significantly this year. Our day-to-day is entirely different. The potential of what-could-be raps on the doors of our hearts daily. We dream a lot. Our world is full of possibilities marred only slightly by the broken realities. We aspire to deeper. Better. Different. It's a steady mantra in our marriage. To grow, to learn, to love God more wholly and to learn to love others selflessly -- to know God and to know others more deeply. It takes time, which is something else we are learning how to manage in new ways.
Baby K is still with us-- smiling often, finding her voice, rolling over (as of literally minutes ago), unwilling to sleep through the night. We love her a lot and while it seems quite plausible that this might become a forever-in-this-world arrangement, we know not what precarious events might unexpectedly alter the process. And so we love fiercely and hold the future loosely. 2020 may bring Baby K permanently into our home, but it also may take her away from it. (We covet any prayers the Spirit leads you to pray surrounding this situation!)
Because I no longer have school filling up every ounce of my free time, I am considering the ways in which I might spend it (as if a full-time job and child-rearing isn't enough). Cooking or pie-making seems fun right now. Learning new things, without the intensity of writing papers and reading hundreds of pages each week. Learning new things that can bless others (because who doesn't love to eat?). Maybe I'll blog more. We'll see.
All I know is that no year ever turns out how we think or hope it might.
But, all I can ask for this year...all I can hope for... is that I know God a little more at the end of it, no matter what events unfold. That I would know Him and proclaim Him more faithfully, more boldly, more truthfully... whether or not we have a baby, or if I can lose ten pounds, or accomplish all I want to in my job, or if I feel known or cared for by humans on this earth...
My goal and resolution is to press on to know the Lord, no matter what the future holds.
May I look different as a result.
