Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Barbies & Babies

It's been a few months since I've written about pregnancy...

I'm sure some of you are just on the edge of your seat waiting for that exciting baby announcement. It's not coming. Not soon, anyway.

There's only so much I can write about it, but, in all honesty, I've stopped caring so much. Perhaps it's the ramp up toward summer and the busyness of my life increasing, but I'm less concerned with having a baby. And, as time goes on, I think the apathy grows. Or I'm just at this point where I think, "Well, if it happens, it happens."

I can't decide if I'm attempting murder on the desire within me, or if the Lord is just actually giving me peace to be content with where I'm at. However, it feels pretty different from the times that I tried to pretend I was really okay with being single when I wasn't (because, just when you are content with your singleness, that's when Mr. Right comes along, right? *that's not at all how it happened for me*).

I'm not trying to fool myself into thinking I'm okay without kids, I don't think. My biggest hiccups and bouts of confusion only really arise when I picture myself old, gray-er, and wrinkly without any grandkids. Because, that's not how it's supposed to be.

You'd think by now I would have learned that life is never how it's "supposed to be", but I still keep expecting it to go a certain course. Marriage immediately following college didn't happen- why would I assume that children would go as planned? Truthfully, there's a part of me that did assume it would. My happy voice within assuring me: Since you had to wait so long to get married, surely having children will be a breeze!

Apparently I still have a lot to learn about patience, waiting, and the Lord's timing.
There are some significant differences between waiting for Mr. Right to come along and waiting for my uterus to catch up to the plan, though.

this is NOT how I played with Barbies.. 
From the time I could play with Barbies, I knew I wanted a husband. It was a desire that I never, ever questioned and a desire that plagued me at times--because I could never shake it (even on the most hopeless of days). I never really cared much for babies and kids (or baby dolls) while growing up. I didn't change a diaper until I was in my late twenties. Baby-sitting still horrifies me. I have a bad habit of trying to use sarcasm on 4-year-olds and am alarmed when they just don't get it. I know they don't stay little forever..... but....

I guess I'm saying that I never really believed that God's plan for me was to be single my entire life. And while I would have managed, it didn't seem to line up with who He is. And while I still think we might never have biological children, that's not as alarming to me. I still think our futures will involve children in some capacity--and I'm pretty intrigued by what that'll mean/look like.

Another huge difference to this waiting bout is that I'm not alone. The journey in singleness (as some of you can attest) is just what it sounds like: lonely. It's easy to feel pathetic, desperate, and like the rest of the world is passing you by with new boyfriends and engagement parties. And while, yes, I can share some of those same thoughts with pregnancy announcements and baby pictures--I have this whole person who is journeying beside me down this same road. I'm not alone.
I'm not alone this time. And I only know that's because the Lord is so, so good and gracious.

It's really only been a little over year. This timeline pales in comparison to the 10+ years I felt like I waited to meet my husband. So... talk to me in 9 more years about fertility and I bet this blog post will look a little different.

All that to say...
Not pregnant.
Doing great (truly).
Continually learning that the Lord needs to shatter all my "supposed to" moments and remind me that it's about Him, His timing and His plan.
And, being thankful that, right now, for whatever reason, I am honestly content right where I'm at.

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Sunday, May 1, 2016

May Day

I can't believe it's already May.
Perhaps it's the snow flurries outside. 
These long 'winters' can easily convince me that Christmas just ended and summer is still months away. Or maybe it's just the disbelief that 32 is happening in 5 more days.  

Too often time is a mysterious thing. 
Wasn't it just yesterday that I was swatting swarms of locusts away from my face as I stood outside of the junior high building, waiting for my mom to pick me up after school? Didn't I just put on a prom dress and get ready for an angsty night of unknowns, giggling with all my girlfriends as the evening unfolded? Wasn't I just a Djiboutian Princess on a mud volleyball team, taking the rest of the seniors by storm? I'm sure I vividly remember strolling Truman State's campus in spring, taking pictures of all the new budding, beautiful life. And wasn't the time we enacted May Day with the Walmart $1 items in the middle of the night not that long ago, either? 

Cramming for finals and Go Nuts for Donuts. 
Empty, packed up houses and heart-wrenching good-byes as college came to end.
Crazy new (and old) adventures, across 4 states and down an 8 mile road. 
Frantically squeezing as many hours out of each day as possible, before Summer Staff arrival. 
Pool & pizza parties, galore!
Hours and hours of lifeguard training. 
Complete devastation and despair. 

May brings back a lot of memories. 
It's streaked with dances, final exams, graduations, good-byes, hellos, late nights, vacations, new adventures, heartbreak, and (for now) 31 birthdays. Sometimes I feel like my heart can't keep up. 

Where has the time gone?
I can't help but wonder. 
What have I done with my life?
What am I doing with my life?  

It's a question I've been asking a lot lately. A question that burns deep, when I allow it to really sink in. All of the memories, all of the experiences--what do they mean/what purpose do they have? Have I loved well? Have I done everything I could and been everything I've been asked to be, have I lived fully? Am I doing, being, living...? 

I don't know that I am. At least not always. 
There's a large part of my heart that craves more...and it's in constant disagreement with my lazy, fearful self. This part of my heart tells me I'm too comfortable. It tells me that there's more to be done. It tells me that there's too much pain and sorrow in the world and too many people idly standing by. It tells me that the call on my life is greater, more demanding, and (in direct contrast with my flesh), not about me. 

But, too often, I'm just tired. 
I work a lot. 
I feel like a failure in my interpersonal life, as I struggle to keep up with the people who are physically around me- not to mention the ones who are not. 
There's too much that I want to do, that I don't know how to make time for or have energy for. 

I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer. 
Mostly, I just want to live a life of purpose and meaning--not one that's centered around me. Purpose and meaning, even in the smallest of things- from the tone of my voice, to the look on my face, to a conversation with a stranger, to a conversation with a dear friend, to the words that I write and the prayers that I pray. 

Birthdays have a way of influencing these mid-year wonderings, I suppose. 
I'm not 100% sure what that means for me right now, in this current life...but I know I want to ask the questions. And I know that I want the answers to the questions to actually change some things. 

I'm aware of how uncertain everything is. I have no idea what the future holds. I don't know what opportunities, what tragedies, what circumstances will ever be...but I know, in all things and in all seasons, I want to be found obedient. I want to be found living out the Gospel, running a good race (no matter how tired I think I am). 

I do love May. And I love to remember all the things the Lord has brought me through in the last 30+ years during this month. I love spring, and I love knowing that summer is almost upon us. 
I love that my days will get longer and harder, because I know in my weariness, the Lord sustains me and that it has to be about Him. I love that lives will be truly changed....and that for some reason, I get to be a part of it. 

Perhaps you've figured out how to live life purposefully, even in all the little things. I'd love to hear from you on the things that you've implemented into your own life that allow you to truly live out the Gospel, no matter what's going on in your world. 

I know none of us are perfect.
I just don't want to wake up in ten years and find myself just idly standing by. 
This year, I want more. 
More of Jesus and more of who He is calling me to be. 

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