Mr. Right

I found 'Mr. Right' a several years ago. He was handsome, athletic, musically talented, tender, passionate about the Lord and eager to surrender his life to Him.  He was a hard-worker, servant-hearted, willing to place others above himself constantly.  He was too good to be true.

We didn't live in the same place, but he would find ways to initiate communication with me.  He initiated. Turns out he liked me. Turns out I liked him, too.  Turns out he wasn't ready for a relationship yet.  We went from daily communication to limited communication--and I got it.  I understood the point, I understood that by decreasing the time spent conversing with each other that it would serve to protect our hearts from becoming too engaged with one another when there was no promise that we we would ever be together.

I wanted it though.  I wanted him.  He was it for me.
There were days where I hurt so much because I wanted to talk to him--I wanted to tell him how I felt, I wanted to tell him about my daily struggles and the funny things that had happened.  I couldn't. So I found a solution.

I began writing him.  I began a document on my computer and I would type out all the things I wanted to say to him.  I typed out all the things I felt, all the emotions, all the events, all the words... and I saved them. It became an electronic journal of things I would never tell him.  Or... that's what I had said.  In my head I knew I could never give him this assortment of thoughts unless we were engaged or married.

Things eventually ended many months later as I realized how much our limited communication was still weighing on my heart and how much I was waiting for something that wasn't going to happen.  Over the years we kept in touch (sometimes more often than others) and I'd go in and out of realizing how much I still cared for him.  In those moments I'd pull up that old document and write him again-- all the things I could never tell him.

Eventually he dated someone.  Eventually they broke up.  The devastation hit him and at that point in life we were friends--friends without any other motive.  Some crazy part of me connected his despair with emotions I had also felt in his and I's past interactions and I thought he might benefit from reading my raw writings.

I wish I could say that I fully considered how those words would affect anyone if they had read them... but I had not. I sent them away without an ulterior motive (for maybe the first time in my life)... which set us on a road of devastation.  Upon reading my words, he was deeply moved.... as anyone might be when they hear all these private thoughts directed toward them from someone they once were romantically interested in.

He began pursuing me- in a way that I had always hoped for.  He spoke the words that my heart had craved to hear.  He wanted me...he wanted to fight for me...he thought I was worth it.

I remember that I felt like a little girl who had just been given the thing she's been asking for so fervently. The little girl who looks at the gift and is too scared to take it because she's scared it's not really for her...the little girl who is too scared to take it because she's scared she'll ruin it somehow.

I didn't want to be that little girl... I didn't want to walk in fear... and so I hesitantly jumped in.
Just a few days later my heart was shattered again. For various reasons, things weren't going work out with this guy. I had taken the gift and, as it turns out, it wasn't really for me after all.

I remember sobbing on my roommate's bed, the pain unbearable....angry at myself for being such a fool. I remember questioning the Lord's goodness.  He had said He wouldn't give me a snake if I asked for a fish, right?  It sure felt like a snake.

I think we question the Lord's goodness a lot when it comes to matters of the heart.  We question Him when He doesn't give us the things that we think we want. Since then, I've come to realize that the Lord, in fact, is sovereign and good...and He knows my heart, my needs, my wants more than I do. There's good that peers in through the bad and I'm left thankful that my heart was broken, thankful that I didn't end up with him, thankful that I didn't get what I wanted.

Through the pain, I've managed to see that he wasn't 'Mr. Right' because he wasn't right at all for me. I had built him up into something that he wasn't, I had placed an identity upon this guy that wasn't even him.  I had created him to be who I wanted him to be in my head.  Perhaps you're guilty of having done this, too.

I want to urge you to trust the Lord.  Even in the pain, the heartache, the confusion, the unknown. We may think we know what we want and need...but, a lot of the time I just think we're wrong.  Admitting that is sometimes the hardest thing.

It's okay if it doesn't work out with this one... no matter how much you want it to. Really... it's okay.
There's healing and there's growth and there's second chances.
Of that I am sure.  Join me there.

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