I always thought being a perfectionist was an admirable thing. One of those traits you can use in a job interview as a "weakness" that you really mean is a strength. It is a very pretty sounding weakness. Because saying you are a perfectionist means you care about doing things right. It means you work hard and don't give up until things are the best. It means you are responsible and admirable. Right? Maybe not...
...Not only does being a perfectionist fill me with fear of failure, it also tricks me into believing this is what others expect from me, even what God might expect of me. Do I believe that in my head? No. I know perfection isn't possible. I know others don't expect it. I know that God doesn't. But my actions seem to tell a different story.
At times, I've rationalized that it is still better to give all my effort always. But I'm realizing that this whole perfectionist-mind-game might be getting in the way of my relationship with the Lord. God doesn't ask for perfection from me. He asks me to admit my need for a Savior, for grace, for Him. I know I'm a sinner. I know I'm never going to get it all right. So why am I still trying to earn grace?
Isn't it funny how much we can recognize something to be true in our head, but it fails to really resonate with our hearts? You can 'know' perfection isn't attainable, but still somehow think it is. You can 'know' that you are loved, but still somehow not really believe that you are. You can 'know' that how you look doesn't really matter, but you spend 80% of your day thinking about what you're eating, how much your exercising, how your clothes feel/look on you.
It's almost as if giving up control requires control. It requires stopping thoughts, actions, and words that lead me down a path of believing I can eventually achieve perfection. It requires stopping thoughts, actions, and words that lead me down a path of believing that if I change something that I'll be worth loving. It requires stopping thoughts, actions, and words that lead me down a path of believing that if I change how I look or how much I weigh that I'll be satisfied.
Everything is meaningless, yeah? A chasing after the wind?
Perhaps life will inevitably be this cycle of strife and surrender- and perhaps that's okay. Okay because, while that's never how it was intended to be, that's how it has to be right now. We're incomplete here. We will always be. Until we're reunited again.
Or maybe we just pray like crazy that God mends the chasm, the disconnect.... that maybe we can be women and men who truly believe the things we say we 'know' are true.
There's a disconnect.
A chasm.
Somewhere along the way we've become robots who can readily mouth off the things we know to be true, but we're still striving and searching to be the things we feel like we're supposed to be: perfect, beautiful, worth it. And when we're not--we feel like we've failed.
If something is true, why can't we really believe that it is?
And if we don't really believe that it is, why do we say it? Because we think we're supposed to?
I think this is my reality: sometimes I truly think that I can be perfect. If I didn't believe this, I wouldn't have the crashing moments where I suddenly realize that I'm not (over and over again). It seems that every time I mess up, I make some sort of deal in my mind that I won't do it again...next time I'll do better... next time I'll be perfect.
Inside my head there is soon a flood of agreements that I'm subconsciously making with myself. Agreements that I can get it right, agreements that next time he really will love me, agreements that I'll be disciplined and not binge or be lazy. Agreements that I have control over all of these things....don't I?
Gosh, if it didn't always come back to these dumb control issues.
The stupid part is that I don't have an answer for you. I don't have a way to fix it. I can tell you to surrender it, to let it go... but, sometimes I don't even know what that really means.
Everything is meaningless, yeah? A chasing after the wind?
Perhaps life will inevitably be this cycle of strife and surrender- and perhaps that's okay. Okay because, while that's never how it was intended to be, that's how it has to be right now. We're incomplete here. We will always be. Until we're reunited again.
Or maybe we just pray like crazy that God mends the chasm, the disconnect.... that maybe we can be women and men who truly believe the things we say we 'know' are true.
... Father, I do believe...
help my unbelief.
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It's almost as if Christians say these cliche phrases to make others feel better or have hope like-Jesus loves you, Jesus died for our sins and you are perfect because God made you, ect.-then when you step back and look into your life, you don't either truly believe them or implement them into your life so you can also find hope in the truth as well.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough.
I'm comparing this to Peter walking on water I think of it like this-
ReplyDeleteI'm out on the water, yearning to be next to Jesus, but I stop and look around. I see all the areas that I've fallen short, failed, and have yet to be 'good enough' in. And I sink. I start to drown because meeting this bar of 'good enough' is just as vast and consuming as the sea. Sometimes I don't realize I was looking at where I've fallen short until my heads already under. Other times I purposefully glance forward or backward to punish myself (for some unknown reason) by reminding myself of the woman I'll never be. But when I stop looking around and focus on Jesus. When I ignore my shortcomings and potential failures. When I accept the fact that I will make mistakes and I will fall short, and thats OK. That's when my eyes are on Jesus and I can begin to walk.
Not to walk with the fear of taking a misstep or planning every inch down to detail. But faithfully and recklessly walk to close the gap between me and Jesus. Not run. Because I need to take in the moments. But walk and trust in the character of Jesus and in the woman He's made/is making me into.
There is no room for grace if I am filling my days and my heart and my time with trying to be good enough. God cannot give me this git and the freedom that comes with it if I am clutching onto the law.
And your'e right. This is a lot of me spewing out what I KNOW but not what I believe. Because deep down I believe I deserve to drown. As much as I desire the Lord, I cannot get over the fact that I'm just not good enough for him. So I beat myself up about my walk with Him, my relationships with others, how I look, what I think. But when I beat myself up I'm not only tearing myself down but I'm tearing down the person God has for me to be. I'm telling God "what you created isn't good enough and never will be good enough."
So I'm trying. Step by step to trust and love myself. To let myself step out in faith and be wrong. To rejoice in my triumphs, even when they consist of mistakes. To allow myself to think I'm beautiful. And worth it. To accept compliments. To learn about the character of Jesus through DEPENDENCE rather than simply inhaling the Word. I'm using control to let go of control, like you said.
And as much as I want to apologize for this seemingly pointless comment I won't. Because it's my heart, and it doesn't have to be relevant enough for me to share it. So there you go, I'm already trying :)