These were the words I uttered to my boyfriend a year ago, patting myself on the back for 'clearly' communicating my expectations over the dreaded day.
I'd spent almost all of my Valentine's Days as a single girl and so while it had always represented this reminder of my singleness, this year would be different. I knew I wanted it to be different. I knew I wanted to feel special and cared about. Little did I know I had given him an impossible task. Looking back I can see how my words gave him no hope for success.
He did well, all things considered. A hand-written letter that morning, a surprise escapade that night...he took me to a spot by the river where he pulled out his computer for a medley of good tunes, a bottle of white wine, and dinner to heat over a fire. He built the fire while I wrapped up in blankets and contemplated the events unfolding before me.
I do this thing where I over-analyze.
I do this thing where I ruin a good thing because my mind goes crazy...
As I sat there, I felt out of place. I felt like there was this really romantic thing happening and I wasn't supposed to be there. I felt fat and ugly and simply undesirable. I felt like it was a mix-up. That as much as these are the types of things that single women dream about happening one day, I couldn't see myself fitting into this picture of romance.
I knew I could do single, but I honestly didn't know if I could do relationship. Even though we'd been dating over 3 months, I still felt unsure of how to actually 'date' someone.
Most people might have had these thoughts and then pushed them aside to enjoy a romantic evening with their boyfriend. Unfortunately, I'm not most people. Instead, I brought up my worries, my doubts, my feelings of inadequacy...and rather than have an lovely time with each other, we ended with stilted conversation, unsure that we would even be dating by the next morning.
There was fitful sleep as I was certain my craziness had drive him away. The next morning I ran up to him, tears in my eyes, and apologized for the night before. As I had processed through everything, I knew that fear existed. I knew fear of the unknown, fear of not being enough, fear of being hurt, fear of staying together all existed just below the surface.
But I also knew that before me was a man who loved Jesus, a man who never tried to be something he wasn't, a man who challenged me and inspired me to love others, a man who had sacrificed a lot to be with me...a man who had chosen me. A man who is still choosing me.
If you're spending your Valentine's Day with someone this year, I hope you'll allow him to do something special for you if he wants. Let him be gushy and mushy with roses and hearts and love poems...if he wants. Let him be thoughtful and creative without manipulating or pressing your own wants and desires on him. Let him choose you without questioning, doubting, and needing affirmation.
If Valentine's Day is really all about love, it would seem that in loving him, this day would have nothing to do with us (for love is not self-seeking).
As the holiday approaches, let us be women who seek to place our men above our own wants and desires instead of placing impossible expectations on them. Let's make sure they know they can and do do things right for us. Let's make sure it's not about us and what we think we need them to do/be for us.
And for all you single ladies? Stay tuned... I have more for you soon.
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