Consumed.

It occupies your every thought.

If affects your every action. 

It causes your pulse to race and your palms to sweat. 

You find yourself saying things you would never normally say. 

Jealousy. 

It's debilitating. It's consuming. It's corrosive.

And it seems to find it's way into my heart through the smallest of things. You too? 

Jealousy is this gross sin that I don't like to confess. While it's still one of those things I can rattle off in a list of my sins without feeling like people are going to judge me too harshly, the reality of what it actually means for me is disturbing. 'Cause when we start to get into specifics of the things I find myself jealous of, I'm left ashamed and painfully aware of my ungratefulness... 

When I say that I'm jealous I'm saying that I don't have what I want. When I say that I'm jealous I'm saying that I want what you have. When I want what you have, I'm not glad at all that you have it because I think that I deserve it. When I think that I deserve it, any kindness I show your way about said issue is probably a bunch of fluff that I don't actually mean. 

And again, I'm a fraud. 

Again the darkness swells around me and I see myself for what I really am: fallen, wicked, despicable, desperate. 

Because when I'm jealous, it begins to affect the way I treat people, it affects the way that I choose to love them, it affects how I feel about myself. It rots everything good, it taints it...and it leaves me obsessed with what I do not have instead of thankful for what I do have (which is so, so, so much). 

Sometimes, instead of feeling the horror and weight of my jealousy, I allow myself self-righteousness and justification to kick in. "At least I'm not struggling with that (fill in any number of sins that seem worse than a little envy)..." or perhaps a, "Well, I really do deserve it because of this and this and this and this and this...." and suddenly, in a moment, I've given in to the darkness. 

It's not to be taken lightly. 

It's not okay. 

Because there have been times when it's all I saw, when it's all I felt, when it's all I was. I became blinded by a fit of jealousy, unable to see the toll it was taking on me and those around me. We become irrational in the face of envy. It's the basic plot line for every soap opera out there. 

So what now? 

I think it starts with recognizing jealousy for what it is and admitting that's what's going on. Just today I caught myself jealous of one of my good friends because I started to think that everyone liked her more than me. I literally had to stop and allow truth to overtake the lie. 

Doesn't it always stem from a lie? 

Today I urge you to consider the envy in your heart. 

Who are you jealous of? Why? 

What do you wish that you had that you don't? Why? 

Instead of allowing ourselves to walk further down a path of darkness and corrosion, I beg you to consider what it is you feel like you're lacking, what it is that you're wanting, what it is that you're needing. Before you move into a place of jealousy, STOP...and really ask the Lord to cloak you with truth. 

The truth? 

Even if you had that body, you wouldn't be happy. Even if you had that body, it wouldn't mean you would get that guy. Even if you had that guy, you wouldn't be complete. Even if you were the most liked person in the world, it won't sustain you. 

Even if you had that job, that starting position, that solo, that lead role, that personality, that hair, that ....(it's exhausting when I realize the multitude of things we can be jealous of...)

It just doesn't matter and it doesn't define us...and the things that we think we would gain by having them are not true. 

May we not be led astray by our envy any longer. 

Instead, may we embrace what we do have and simply be thankful for it.

'Cause even if we have little, we still have so much...

And may we meet grace again... and again...and again...
Today I am thankful for redemption, for second chances... for a way out of darkness. Again.

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