When You Know, You Know...?

I'm not sure I'll ever be a person who 'knows'.

You stumble upon books, movies...talk with married people, and a lot of them repeat the same phrase: 'When you know, you know.' It's something that kind of makes me want to punch people in the face.

'cause really...?
Is it really that easy?

For someone who second guesses and over-analyzes and freaks out about the tiniest imperfection, I honestly can't imagine ever saying that. And so then I'm left with a frustrating 'is it supposed to be like that?' that I'm desperately trying to understand. A question that causes me to think that no matter who I meet, no matter who I date- because I'll never 'know', then they must all be wrong for me. It's this question that only perpetuates the second guessing and over-analyzing, no doubt.

Whatever happened to leaps and risks and choosing to take a gamble, even if you don't 'know'?

Perhaps it boils down to an issue of soul mates. Do they exist, or not? Is that what everyone means when they say they 'know'? That they've found the person they are, undoubtedly, going to spend the rest of their life with?

I'm not sure I believe in soul mates. If we believe in soul mates it gives us permission to leave, permission to run out when things get too hard. If we believe in soul mates it becomes primarily about our own happiness. Example... the person that you are currently with (even married to) isn't your soulmate, but now you've found the someone who is. If I'm destined to be with this other person, then I have to get out of my current circumstances fast and I'm completely justified in doing so.  Hmmm....

If by soul mates we mean that God has one specific person in mind that you're supposed to marry, then I don't know if I can go there. If by soul mates we mean that God knows who you are going to marry, then perhaps I can go there. Perhaps.

I think we walk in fear of being with the wrong person forever. Instead of allowing relationships to flourish and be what they are, we are over-analyzing, fearful, and trying to figure out if this is the right person. We're hoping to have a moment where we just 'know', and then we can lay all of our doubts to rest.

While I have quite a few married friends that assure me that they just 'knew', I don't want that to be the thing that dictates my relationships and my decision to be with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to go through guy after guy after guy, waiting until I 'know'... because, in knowing me, I can't think of many things that I've ever been truly, 100% certain about. I always have doubts, I always second-guess. Why would I think choosing to spend my life with someone forever would be any different?

So- to all the married folk out there: I'm quite happy for you if you just 'knew'. I believe you, I really do. But, please understand that we don't all work the same way you do. Don't make that out to be the point at which your single friends are then ready to commit. 'Knowing' isn't a pre-requisite for marriage...being ready to make a life-long commitment is. Allow each relationship, each person to be different.

And to all the single folk: don't feel like you have to have this feeling of 'knowing'. You don't have to feel inadequate or like something is missing if you don't have that feeling. Do know that it is going to be a gamble, a risk, a commitment... and it's going to be one that you have to work at constantly. Know that once you make those vows, this is the right person for you and that the Lord has got your back. He seems to usually root in favor of marriages being a life-long commitment. Mostly, do yourselves and your relationships a favor and try not comparing them constantly. When it comes to love, it's not black or white and it's been done successfully in all sorts of ways (just look back at history and how romance has changed over the years). Let your story be different, unique, yours.

Choose wisely, grasshoppers. It is a life-long commitment, but it doesn't mean you have to destroy every good thing through psycho-analyzing/comparing it all the time. Trust me... that doesn't get you very far....

It'll all work out.
In one way or another.
So... enjoy the ride.

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