The Song that Never Ends.

"Just screw it, okay?!?"
I said it, just yesterday, to someone I care about deeply. I said it in anger and defeat.

It's one of those moments when as soon as the words exit your mouth, you wish you could reel them back in. One of those moments where even as they are leaving your lips, you are simultaneously trying to suck them back in. The battle within is at full force as you mean everything you are saying, but also absolutely none of it.

And we wonder why guys don't understand us...

I feel like I've been having a lot of these moments lately. They don't necessarily come out in verbal form, but I catch myself doing things, or responding to things...and then wanting to smack myself in the head a few seconds later. I'm suddenly overcome with, "What are you thinking??"

I especially feel it in the times when I'm doing, saying, being something that I don't want to be. I'm either selfish, or too sarcastic, or too quick with my words, or allowing anger to consume me, or responding out of having my feelings hurt. So, then, when I look back at what happened... I'm mortified.

Those words don't sound good coming out of my mouth.
Those actions don't look good on me.
That isn't who I want to be!

Thrown back in the 'ol Romans 7 conundrum. Not doing what I want to do, what I ought to do...and hating what I do. Lots of doing and not doing...lots of frustration. sigh


This is when I'm incredibly thankful for second chances. Incredibly thankful because I know I don't deserve them. Thankful that in my defeat, I can claim the following Scripture over me...

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

But then I wonder if we're too hard on ourselves sometimes. If we're constantly berating ourselves for being sinners, instead of freely walking in grace. I think there's a freedom I have yet to grasp because I'm still struggling to receive grace. I can't receive grace because I think there's something I can do to earn it...so when I keep messing up, I keep falling short that target.

Sounds exhausting, right? That's because it is.
I imagine some of you can relate...

To me, this is the song that never ends. At least not on this side of eternity.
Maybe that's okay.
Maybe there's something to letting ourselves be sinners, washed by the blood of Christ.

The difference is in the berating myself over being a sinner and acknowledging that I just am one. The first implies that I can be something different (which I clearly can't), the second allows for grace in my current state....over and over and over again. 


Don't get me wrong, I still think we make choices daily and should always be striving for better... but there's something to striving, falling, and getting back up again vs. striving, falling, and not allowing yourself to get back up at all. 


May we all be a bit more like the tax collector today... 
‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
...and walk freely in grace. For there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...

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