Prepare yourselves, okay? Because apparently Christians aren't allowed to cuss. But, I'm a Christian and I'm going to... and it doesn't change the fact that I love Jesus and need Him desperately (perhaps, in your mind, this better proves it...).
Last fall, I had the privilege of embarking on a hike with an older woman (let's call her Maggie) and we talked a lot about life, family, and religion. Maggie had been burned by the church a few years back and was left with bad taste in her mouth toward most things Christianity (honestly, I don't really blame her). Jesus was no longer a Savior, and all ways led up and no ways led down. As we continued conversing, she told me about how in this time of abandonment she had one friend from the church who stuck around through it. Unfortunately her friend was more concerned about the frequency in which Maggie was reading her Bible over how she was actually doing. Maggie then said something so simple and so shocking to me in reference to Christians.
Who cares if I read my Bible every day if I don't give a shit about my neighbor?In a sentence, she described me.
At this point in life, my Bible had already been accumulating dust for over a month (see yesterday's post to find out why) and I was becoming increasingly aware of my own darkness. While she didn't know she was speaking directly to me, her words cut deep.
As much as I want to love others well, I know the reality is that I often don't. I care about my needs above yours. At the end of the day I'm just selfish. As much as I've tried to love well, I've gotten to the point where I realize I cannot. I am incapable of loving others in the way that we are called to love. These are the times when I recognize my need for God, for Jesus, for the Holy Spirit...the times when I realize I cannot change the depravity of my own wickedness, but I must earnestly ask that He change my black heart into one of love and joy. Genuine love and joy...not fake, not of me. I simply cannot.
And I think we all need to get to this place sometimes. I think it's often easy for us to think that we are loving others well, when in reality we might not be at all. I think it's often easy for us to think that we're sailing smoothly on the road of Christianity doing all the 'right' things, when we're missing the point-- we're so honed in on being disciplined Biblical scholars (essentially our own spiritual growth), that we stop 'giving a shit' about the people around us. It seems the two should always go hand in hand...
I'm not just talking about being civil to people, or smiling warmly at them, or asking them how they're doing and not really caring, or telling them you'll pray for them without any intention of actually doing so. I'm not even talking about tossing the homeless guy a few coins, or volunteering to serve, or doing ministry. I'm not talking about continuing to be friends with the Maggie's in the world, but judging them the entire time for not doing/being all the things they are 'supposed' to do/be.
I think we've just become good at thinking we know how to love and encourage and that we're capable of it with our own efforts. But, in reality, I see that I'm continuing to be that Pharisee who knows all the right things to do and say but I haven't an ounce of true love inside of me.
In these moments I'm desperate for Jesus to move through me.
The moments when I'm staring at my selfishness, my internal cruelty, my impatience, my jealousy, my pride, my quiet anger, my judgmental heart, my checklist of wrongs others have committed...
Because when I look at what love is, as much as action is required...I recognize how my outward appearance of loving has merely been an empty shell, void of the true change of heart that comes with actually loving.
I'm tired of acting like I care...because I've tasted the joy of what it means to really care. And as hard and challenging as it can be, there's an depth and a rawness that is so beautiful to me. I can't make it happen though.
Perhaps if we all were a little more honest about the state of our heart, we would stop trying to love others so much on our own accord and allow the Spirit to move deeply within. Perhaps we'd start reaching out to people like Maggie in a way that builds up, instead of tearing down.
There is love that is greater, deeper, more beautiful than the shallowness we are limited to in all our humanness. May we not settle for the love that only we can give.
Change my heart, O God...
Make it ever true
Change my heart, O God
May I be like You
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Good stuff, Deb. I wonder about the extent that we actually CAN love other people. I only see the world out of my own eyes, and I think that makes it really hard to love anyone besides myself.
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