(I suppose we could argue that it's actually a 'It's not you, it's me' type of phrase, but for all intents and purposes, we'll stick with this one for now...)
Have you ever been broken up with and been offered the polite request of friendship in place of a relationship? 'But I really value our friendship and I don't want to lose it... I think we're much better at being friends than we are at dating...'
You know the phrases that seem to too easily trickle off tongues as there's an attempt to make the blow less fatal and heart-crushing. The suggestion usually seems to result in the following:
- Agreeing to try and maintain a friendship. Nothing changes and it's as though you're still dating without actually 'dating'.
- Agreeing to try and maintain a friendship. Conversation is stilted and awkward and forced, but you feel obligated because it was suggested and agreed to.
- Agreeing to try and maintain a friendship. You successfully move into friendship without a problem (this seems rare to come by).
- Not agreeing to the proposed friendship. No communication is had between both parties.
- Not agreeing to the proposed friendship. Communication arises when one party feels the need to express their thoughts, opinions, feelings on how the relationship ended, how things currently are, etc.
- Not agreeing to the proposed friendship. Within a few days you're back together again, unable to face life without the other by your side.
It's an interesting world, this place of friendship after relationship. Attainable? Maybe sometimes. But, ultimately, I think it's a ridiculous suggestion... at least initially.
Can two people become friends again after sharing in romance, deep matters of the heart, hard circumstances only to be broken-hearted and wounded by the other? Absolutely... it would make sense that they could be, although it's not typically the wisest decision. But, I think time is a necessary factor here, no matter what. Time for healing, time for moving on, time for forgiveness. I don't think friendship ever needs to feel like a requirement, though.
If you're doing the breaking up, be willing to allow for time. Be willing to give the other person time. If you're breaking it off with someone, allow them to cope with their heartache in a realistic manner...don't demand or suggest friendship as a necessary next step. It doesn't ease the pain, it often can increase it. 'Oh, so I'm good enough to be your friend but nothing more?' might be a thought that runs through their mind...
If you're being broken up with, be willing to give yourself time... and force yourself to do this, if necessary. While you may be the one to suggest friendship out of fear of losing the other person, I wonder if you're suggesting it because you're hoping to win the other person back? Evaluate your motives and your reasons for friendship...consider if your heart can really handle the new conditions...and be willing to take time before jumping into a new type of friendship with a person that you deeply care about. This takes self-control and letting go.
Again...there are always exceptions.
But... on the whole, consider your words as you break-up with someone. Don't offer up the friendship card immediately because you can't think of anything else to say and it just sounds right. Don't feel like you have to take the friendship card because it was offered.
The heart is a complicated thing... and every relationship is different.
Tread carefully, and be willing to do what you need to do.... friend or not. It's okay.
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