unrequited love

Have you ever been held?

Truly held?

…the kind where you never want to be released because despite whatever else might be going on around you, for once you feel like you actually matter? 

It’s only happened a few times in my life. One instance in particular was drudged up the other day as I shared a tidbit of my life with one of my summer staff.   It involved a boy I thought I was in love with (go figure). 

We were nearing the end of our senior year of college and emotions were already soaring.  I found myself dwelling on the upcoming life-changes, the good-byes, the heartbreak of letting go and moving on from the ‘best years’ of my life.

He was perfect…        right?

He loved the Lord more than anything, he had the uncanny ability to create an alternate world for others with his imagination and art--he was funny, and charming, and athletic, and smart, and attractive… and what made him all the more desirable was the fact that I couldn’t have him.  We were friends.  Good friends.  Great friends.  I might even say best friends.

As graduation day loomed in the near future, an assortment of us created reasons to hang out and do ridiculous things.  One particular rainy Saturday a group of us found ourselves watching ‘Lonesome Dove’ (I'm still not sure why…).  On that particular day I found a reason (isn’t there always a reason?) to linger behind and have a little quality one-on-one time.  On that particular day I found my emotions to be out of control. 

We sifted through deep heart and spiritual issues, the way our conversations usually went down…and then he hugged me.  In that moment, I was sure that I loved him.  I was sure that I loved him and that he didn’t love me back- at least not the way that I wanted him to.  That realization stirred up something within me that caused a flood to escape my body.  And as I wept, he held me.

Have you ever been truly held? 

Even though I wept and even though I couldn’t tell him the reason why and even though my heart felt crushed with the weight of unsaid rejection, I felt safe and cared for and loved.  Weird, right?  I probably still hoped somehow that his actions meant more than concern as a brother and friend, but the reality of what it meant was better.

While feeling in the depths of despair over this guy 6 years ago, I can now thank the Lord that He knows me better than I’ll ever know myself.  He clears the clouds and suddenly the unattainable perfection that I never felt good enough for becomes another human who just doesn’t make sense for me.  That while I berated myself with the thousands of reasons why I needed to change and be better at a ridiculously long list of superfluous things, the Lord was simply protecting me. 

It’s as if all along He’s been saying gently, “Hey Debs…remember how your heart is evil and your emotions are fleeting?  This isn’t the one for you.  Yes, he is one of my beautiful creations, but I have someone who fits you better. Will you let Me pick him?  Will you let Me guide him to you when he’s ready? I know you.  I know you better than you know yourself.  I know you don’t exactly trust Me with a lot, but trust Me on this one, okay?”

It’s really this beautiful thing.  That while my heart tends to run away from me and simultaneously carry me into a world of trouble, embarrassment and heartache, there’s still hope for me. 

There’s hope for you.

That even when you’re weeping, in the arms of the guy you think you love…maybe there’s a sovereign God who is holding you.  Really holding you.  And maybe in 6 years you’ll look back and praise Him for His protection for not allowing things to always go the way you think they ought to go.

‘cause some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers?

 ...or maybe the gift is simply in the ‘No’.

Oh, unrequited love… one of the most brutal and best things that can happen to us. 

This too shall pass, beloved.

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