a compromise.

I held two guys’ hands at the same time.

They didn’t know it. 

They were best friends and roommates who lived down my hall in college.

I should probably mention that this happened on two separate occasions.

I was interested in one of them and we were in the process of ‘talking’… and the other was just a fun, flirty, overly touchy friend.  Apparently overly touchy doesn’t mean, “Hey, let’s just hold hands for the heck of it” like I thought/hoped it might… 

The story gets complicated (as you might imagine), especially when I felt convicted and ended up having conversations with both of them about my error in judgment.  While they were kind and forgiving, there wasn’t much of a future for me and either of them…at least nothing beyond the typical freshman novelties.

I remember thinking (while I was watching a movie in a very dark room on a couch holding the guy’s hand who was sitting next to me…with my other arm draped was over the arm of the couch holding the guy’s hand who was sitting on the floor next to the couch), “Is this really happening right now?  Am I really doing this?  Awww yeaaa!”

In disbelief of my own actions, I was still patting myself on the back for achieving this weird ‘accomplishment’ in life.  Who does that? 

While it’s become this ridiculous story that I am able to now share, I can never tell it without embarrassment and a bit of shame.  I laugh about it in order to escape the reality of what this story really meant for me back then.

It meant that I was selfish, it meant that I didn’t care how my actions affected anyone else, it meant that I wanted to feel like people wanted me so much that I was willing to cross lines.

I was being the girl who wanted to feel better about myself at the expense of someone else.  

I was being the girl who wanted to feel better about myself at the expense of myself. 

I had compromised something dear…my integrity…and it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last.

What of yourself are you compromising in order to feel like you matter?  To feel like you’re important and worth it?  What morals, what values, what guidelines have you broken? 

The compromising is usually always a sign of control, as we lower ourselves to do things or to become things in order to be better liked, to feel more desired. It’s not worth it, my friends… nor does it ever make us feel the way we hope it might—at least not for very long.

If you’re currently involved with anything/anyone where you’ve compromised yourself…I urge you to get out fast.  Flee.  These are the decisions we regret more than most others.  Confess, ask for forgiveness, and live freely.

If you’ve been involved with anything/anyone where you’ve compromised yourself…I urge you to walk in the freedom that has been given to you.  Walk in forgiveness, walk in the newness of being a regenerate creation.  The old has gone, the new has come… over and over again.

There is hope.  For all of us. 

Go, and sin no more.  

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