Oh no, I've said too much...

I used to wallow in the notion that I was always one of two things: too much or not enough. 

And while I tried desperately, I never could quite find the balance between the two.  I was either telling people too much about my life and terrifying them by my openness…or I was holding back and not allowing anyone to enter through my walls. 

I think I was always looking for someone to either love me for everything I was (so I’d rush to get it all out there at once), or looking for someone to love me enough to poke and prod until my walls eventually crashed.  Now I realize both are flawed and really just a series of tests I torture people with…

I probably had the tendency to air on the side of getting my stuff out there all at once.  For example: my freshman year of college I happened upon a cute sophomore who was pretty involved in one of the college ministries on campus.  We bonded a little over the spring break trip and immediately my heart was triggered and anxious. 

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time. 

This was before texting had become the downfall off many a desperate girl, and this particular guy was a little too cool for instant messaging.  I felt like he needed to know more about me and why I was the way I was.  So what did I do about it?

One night, late into the night, I made a timeline of my life…starting when I was a child.  This timeline turned into a small novel, which I then emailed to him.  Here you go, kind sir, my life in a word document—everything about me that you probably didn’t even want to know.   I'm honestly not sure if he even read it… but I do know that our communication slowed w a y down after that (as it if were anything to write home about in the first place).

It seems we never want to admit that we’re desperate, but then we go off and do moronic things that cause our vulnerable hearts to shatter and allow room for lies to creep in.

For those of you who find yourselves putting it all out there, who feel like you’re often too much for others, who have had the experience of guy after guy bolting the moment you share a lot of intimate things about yourself to him…I urge you to slow down.

There’s no need to hurry. Ultimately, the only reason that you hurry is because you want to know…and your desire to know is driven by fear.  You probably tell yourself things like, “Well, if it’s not going to work out, I’d rather know now than have to wait around to get my heart broken.” 

It’s okay (and healthy) to take your time when it comes to matters of the heart.   Approach cautiously, get to know him and allow him to get to know you- but don’t rush it because you assume he’s just going to back out the moment he hears your junk.  Let him decide, at his own pace…and don’t overwhelm him with a bunch of stuff he never asked to hear.  You’ll only end up hurting yourself.  I remember my own pity parties a few times… “I told him everything about me and he didn’t even care” I can only blame myself.

And, inevitably, what I said a few posts back is still true: somewhere along the way, some guy will choose you (even when you’re crazy and ‘too much’) and there’s really no explanation for it.  So spare yourself from all the unnecessary heartache in the meantime…

And for all of you ladies who close up and don’t allow anyone in?  We’ll get to you later…  

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