Why is it when a girl is into a guy and the girl "thinks" the guy is also interested in her, that she is constantly throwing herself at him. He says, he's just too busy or just didn't have time to send you a message or call. Yet women continually make excuses for him saying "Well maybe he is busy and didn't have time". Why do we have to be the psycho sitting by the phone, initiating conversation, and thinking maybe he'll send me a message first this time. I've realized I'm pretty pathetic and yet can't break myself of this terrible cycle of sitting, waiting, and checking my phone. And yet I feel like I'm the one struggling to move on from this guy who is too busy for me, while he isn't spending the time fretting over me or sitting by his phone.
I hate this for you.
I hate it because I know what's it's like to get caught up in the idea of someone so much that we literally put our life on hold for him when he, most likely, isn't thinking about us at all.
I recently came across some journals from college that reminded me of one guy in particular that I was head over heels for...for at least a year. He was kind, we'd chat online a lot, occasionally hang out--we'd talk about the deep issues in life and challenge each other to be better people. He saw us only as friends, I saw him as my potential soulmate. I waited... and waited...and waited for him to wake up one day and realize that I was it. I tried waiting for him to chat with me first, to instigate hang out times, to tell me what our relationship was really about.
It's excruciating to think about the time we spend waiting for men to pursue us, knowing that often times the wait is just a ruse and our clinging to hope of anything more is just this ridiculous mind exercise to keep us from falling into the pits of despair of feeling as though no one will ever want us. And so, while we try and wait, we think of a thousand different reasons for why we need to contact them first. "I just need to ask him this one question about....", "I wonder if I left something over there the other day....?", "I suddenly thought of some really good answer to the question we've been discussing so I should let him know before I forget"..."I need to go for a jog and his house is on my running route...so I might as well stop by...."
These are the moments we get crazy. We get crazy because we're impatient and we just want to know what he thinks of us, we just want to talk to him because we miss him, we just want to be an important part of his life.
My only thing to tell you is STOP waiting for him. He's not interested. If he IS, he will let you know... he will want to talk to you, he won't be 'too busy'. Ultimately, we make time for the things that we want to make time for.
Ways that we, as women, can get over men who very clearly aren't interested in us?
In no particular order, here's what I've come up with (sometimes all of these have proven necessary):
- Remove him from your life. Period.
- Delete his number from your phone, delete his email from your address book
- De-friend him on Facebook
- Get rid of pictures, emails, notes--anything to stir up memories.
- Don't read into things.
- If you decide you can remain friends with this guy, make sure you set boundaries for yourself. Don't hang out with him alone. Don't converse with him late into the night (through chat, texts, phone calls, etc) even if he initiates it.
- If he wants to date you, he will make it clear-- trust me on this. Don't let your hopes soar at the sound of one kind word, or one effort to hang out, or at any amount of physical touch (and whatever you do, don't make yourself available for the 'friends with benefits' game. You can't handle it, nor should you compromise yourself like this).
- Pray.
- Ask the Lord to move you into a new place... ask Him to change your heart toward this guy...ask Him to replenish hope that there is someone for you...ask Him to help you to trust Him to take care of all of it.
- Wait...and BE STILL.
- As hard as this is, it's part of the process. Be willing to wait (actually wait)... and be willing to commit to not being proactive in seeking after guys--especially those you tend to initiate conversations with.
- Accountability.
- Find a GIRL friend that will ask you regularly how you are doing. A friend that will ask you if you've initiated conversations, a friend you will be honest with.
- Honesty.
- Being honest with yourself, others, and the Lord is going to be key. If you're not willing to be honest about where you're at and where your heart is... you're never going to come to a place where you are able to let go.
I don't think guys have bad intentions when they befriend us and care about us deeply... I just think our hearts are triggered by men who are willing to do this. I actually think it's wrong for us to blame men and be angry with them for leading us on--a large majority of the time I don't think they are aware they are doing it. They are trying to be nice, they are trying to love well. Unfortunately, a lot of the time it comes back to harm them. And once they realize it, they don't know often know how to respond without being mean and so they do the best they can (guys--see this post for a few tips on how to respond to girls who are interested in you when you are not interested in them). Instead of blaming him, look at where you can take a step back. I imagine he's doing all he knows to do to convey that he's not interested short of bluntly saying it (if you think you need this, go ahead and ask him, but I promise it won't be pretty and it leaves everyone feeling awkward in the end).
There's hope for you.
I truly hope you believe that. I believe it for you.
This guy probably isn't it--and I hope you can get to the point where you can say that and be thankful for it.
Take the steps necessary to break the cycle.
I'm living proof that it can be done.
Walk freely, my friend. You don't have to wait by the phone anymore.
* * *
Send in your own stories of something you have done, thought, or said that might be a bit 'crazy'... Send in your own questions and struggles.
Let's bring light to the darkness, truth to the lies, and hope to the hopeless.
You're not alone.
Your stories will remain anonymous
Just wanted you to know I read your blogs--and then marvel at how timely each one is!!!
ReplyDeleteDebbie, I think this is good advice for what women should do if they find themselves in this situation, but if this is really as chronic of a problem as you claim (and it seems so from the responses of your readers), shouldn't our attention be turned to why women feel this way in the first place? If close to all women feel this way (have their thought-lives constantly bombarded with these feelings that make them feel crazy), isn't it probably the case that something is wrong with the society that is shaping their desires (I do know plenty of women, by the way who don't struggle with these things). Why is it that men aren't made to feel "crazy"? Is it just that women tend to personally fail more? I can't really believe that would be true.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me (of course, I'm not a woman) that women need to be encouraged to find meaning in other areas of life than personal relationships. Could that be in careers/vocations, passions/hobbies, service, education/intellectual development, etc.? You point to one in non-romantic relationships (friends), but don't you think men tend not to be so psychically obsessed with these things, partly because they are encouraged and rewarded by society for doing well in these other areas?! Of course, you suggest here that the reason to get a friend is to hold you accountable in this area, which is most certainly important. But could another reason to get a friend be so that you might find personal fulfillment in that relationships (true, of a different kind than a romantic relationship, but still as a way to expand your conception of what personal success would be).
Of course, men and women may just be different, but I wonder whether they are different primarily because society teaches them to be different, to desire different things. I have a hard time thinking that women should feel like these obsessions are personal failures, since they're taught at an early age that personal success for a woman means finding the right man. Maybe a lot of this psychic trauma would be avoided if women were taught (like men are) that personal success can come from many arenas of life (or even better, and neither sex is taught this: that personal success is less valuable that personal acceptance/contentment).
What do you think?
Good thoughts, Craig. I've been thinking about how to respond for a bit and I'm sure that at some point we'll have to agree to disagree or else you'll intellectually claim victory over me ;) BUT, here are my thoughts:
Delete--YES, I do believe that a lot of what we think/believe as women is a result of the way society has shaped us. We've been inundated since birth to believe in happily-ever-afters and fairy-tales. I'd be quite interested to see how women in other cultures without this influence have faired. I know from my travels overseas that even in completely different cultures there is still this struggle for women.
--Men have their own problems with being 'crazy', I imagine, but I feel I should only speak from a place that I can personally attest to (and know many, many other women also exist in). I mostly think our craziness exists more within the realm of romantic relationships--and I don't think that 'fail' is necessarily the right term to use.
--It seems, from my own experience and others that I've talked to, that as much as women find meaning in other areas of life other than romantic relationships--we still desire this. I think we were created to, honestly. No matter how much I excel at my job, no matter how much I throw myself into hobbies and female friendships--there's still a void, there's still a desire for intimacy with a man. I can't shake that. I've tried. I know others who have. I know others who try for so long and think they've succeeded, but there's always a breakdown. Especially when the reason you've thrown yourself into other things is because you feel like you need a distraction from the fact that you are single. Ultimately, I look at Genesis 3 and see how when God is cursing Eve He says, "your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." What do you think that means?
--I think men and women are VERY different. So different that I sometimes feel like I don't know how to communicate effectively, which is often a frustrating challenge.
--I agree. I don't think that we should feel like these obsessions are personal failures- which is sort of the point of this blog. I want women to know they're not alone in this struggle, and it's not a matter anything they are/aren't doing right. I suppose I don't imagine society is going to change anytime soon- we're still caught in the midst of feeling like we have to live up to certain ideals constantly (I hear guys have this pressure in a completely different arena).
I suppose I don't think there's a clear-cut answer when it comes to matters of the heart. It's not simple. It's complicated and messy...
and, yes, perhaps personal success is less valuable than personal acceptance/contentment-- but would you really say that that's the most important thing in life?
So true, Debs. I particularly appreciate you pointing to the fact that even when we are fulfilled in other areas of life, romantic desire still exists. And I appreciate that your blog post was about trying to ensure that those desires do not become psychically overwhelming (as they are for many people). I only think that, along with thinking about "what to do if I find myself in this situation?" we should also ask "what are the forces that get women in these situations in the first place?"
ReplyDeleteI suppose one answer could be that God cursed them. Genesis seems to say that. But what structural elements ensure that this remains the case for so many women? Although women (and men) may have a desire for romantic intimacy, the problem here is obviously not with the desire, but when it becomes an obsession, causing mental pain and anguish. Desires are good, obsessions are not. Obsessions breed when things are allowed to fester in one's mind. If it seems like nearly all women you know suffer from the same obsessions, something is wrong in the culture, not with these women.
Doesn't it seem like there is a cultural obsession with the relationship between men and women, both personal romantic relationships and the differences between the two? I see this everywhere, and it seems to me a self-reinforcing phenomenon. The more people obsess about the differences between men and women, the more they seem different (I noticed this with a certain morning talk radio show I used to listen to).
Could it be that men and women actually have many of the same capacities (for crazy and good), yet these are made unrecognizable by the ways we're encouraged to behave as men and women? Men are encouraged to be forward with women, asking them out if they're interested. Women are encouraged to wait for men to ask them out, leaving them stuck in their psychic life, wondering, wondering. Why shouldn't a woman ask a guy out if she is interested, and save herself the trouble of the psychic discomfort? The people I know who operate without these kinds of restrictions seem much more able to get by without the obsessions. I think that often what seems "natural" is really just how we've been conditioned to behave, certainly in the case of men and women.
I echo your encouragement that women should not be afraid of the desire, but not let it turn into an obsession. That seems the most healthy way to operate. I only hope that women can also see that, just because society says that people are only whole people when they are married with two kids, doesn't mean it's actually the case. Full, happy and healthy lives (lives fully alive) are available at any moment of life, from birth to death. Paul encouraged people to set marriage aside for Christ, so obviously he thought it was doable (we know it was for many people, for many centuries).
Also, my understanding is that women operate very differently in different cultures. I'm sure in tribal cultures, women don't sit around freaking out about their relationships to men. Their psychic life is probably taken up with foraging or religious rituals or something. And I know women in urban cultures that are rewarded for putting their careers or studies before romantic relationships, so it doesn't cause them such psychic stress (even if the desire for a relationship is there). I don't think it's a universal characteristic of women to be obsessed with guys. I think it's the result of living in a culture that tells women they're only valuable if they have a guy. In fact, I know many women who aren't interested in guys at all, but they're often considered failures as women (but maybe that's for another day).
ReplyDeleteI really think this is great advice for a woman who finds herself in this situation. I would just want her to recognize that living in a romantic relationship-obsessed culture reinforces her thinking, and that there are other and better ways to live, ways to find value and meaning in life outside of relationships (I think we're on the same page on that one).
ps. I would never try to "claim intellectual victory over" you, so don't worry about that. Although, like everyone, I am imperfect, I still try to model conversations with others in ways that are mutually beneficial, not as competitions. I hope that's clear.
Craig / Debbie,
DeleteI'm currently discussing most of these ideas and topics in my Oxford lit class. We're focusing on Jane Austen and the society she lived in. As you might imagine, there is a lot of talk about how the women suffered and were oppressed regardless of class, etc.
And here's the thing that gets me--most of the students are skirting around the the facts that the culture encouraged the women to manipulate, scheme, simper, tease, and generally act the ninny!
The culture reinforced these actions, which began to evolve into the norm, if not the expected, behavior of an entire gender; with the thought being that, presuming the female adhered to the accepted behavior, she would then be wonderfully attractive, proper even, and able to accomplish her goal of...matrimony. Those women unmarried after a certain age were deemed to have failed, and by failing, to be lacking in one or another of the areas that all the other married females had 'succeeded' at.
The culture did that. Funny how some cultures still place silly, unrealistic, notions upon a population, and then use excessive peer pressure when the pressed upon population attempts to merely live their lives in happiness. I think in particular of Christian unmarried heterosexuals and Christian homosexuals, populations living within a 'sub-culture' who are attempting to live fulfilling lives outside the accepted norms of the culture--often to great harassment and counter pressure from others within their own social or cultural circle.
Personally, many Christian women in my 'circle' think I'm cold or unfeeling if I'm in a romantic relationship and the relationship is seen to 'fail' and I continue on with my life. They wonder why I'm not curled up in a corner, sobbing my eyes out, scarfing down ice-cream. Because I just don't place that much importance on weither or not ONE person feels that I have value. I'm very confident in finding my self-worth aside from a romantic relationship, but I have worked hard at being able to do that, because that is not the norm of the culture I grew up in.
It's taken me YEARS to become unconditioned from a culture that tried to convince me my entire self-worth was in matrimony--that my life began on my wedding day. After a joyous career on four continents, working with everyone from African street kids to Asian royals in slums and palaces, eating watery soup and the best meats, singing around a campfire or concerts in posh halls I am living my life--unwed.
Perhaps one day, we will all ask each other what are new joyful passions are--not who are new boyfriends are. We'll talk about ending hunger, not our hunger for romance.
I would tend to agree with Craig hindsight! Speaking as a married woman who squandered my high school and college years chasing after men only to get slammed time and time again, I see so much time wasted. I could have done so much more with those years if I didn't have a one track mind. I don't think that people realize how much hard work that marriage is and how beneficial it would have been if you would have spent more time investing in yourself. I know that I have some regrets about what I should have done and believing the falsehood that once I get married my life will begin. Which is a very dangerous thought!!
ReplyDelete