I recently
found a poem I wrote in college. It was
an assignment for my creative writing class.
Our prompt? To tell someone off.
Who could you possibly be kidding, everything about you is fake,
simply a lie.
You go through every day smiling, attempting this sincerity of the
worst kind.
Empty words and actions filling up no one around you.
You’re utterly worthless.
It’s about time you realized it.
I had written
it to myself.
I was out of
control—spiraling downward quickly. My mental attacks on my physical body had
begun to transform into attacks on my entire being. Self-destruction.
Meanwhile, I
was shutting myself off from the people around me and yet I was desperate for
affirmation that I actually mattered. I
wanted to choose who the affirmation came from and I rejected anything that
came from a source with a uterus…which means I rejected many of the people who
were reaching out, attempting to care for me and love me well.
Have you ever
found yourself doing this? In desperate
need of outside help, yet rejecting the good before your very eyes when it
doesn’t come in the package you want?
I clung to my
damsel in distress card incessantly, waiting for a prince on a white
horse to come and save me from myself and the devastation I had created around
me.
He never
came. I never allowed my friends to
help.
But the Lord was
faithful- Christ’s words rang true in my life… “I give them eternal life, and they
shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.” I was safe.
Where are you looking for
affirmation from? Why?
I distanced myself from other
females because I claimed that I couldn’t relate to them or that they didn’t
understand me. I distanced myself from
other females because while I knew I needed help, if this was the form it was
going to come in I didn’t want it. It
had to be done in my way. (It wasn’t
until a few years ago that I’ve been able to realize the tremendous blessing
the Lord has bestowed upon us with same-gender friendships—and how much more I'm understood by them. Don’t refuse them!)
I'm thankful for how gracious the
Lord is with us.
I challenge you to look at the
people you’re willing to open up to and share your life with and try to
understand why you’ve chosen them. Then
look at the people who you choose to reject from these inner circles of your
life and try to understand why.
Reevaluate who you think you need to affirmed by, and perhaps give the people
who are speaking truth and life into you a chance (no matter who they are). Listen to them, believe them. The Lord has them there for a reason. Reevaluate how you think affirmation needs to come to you, and accept it for
what it is…good.
Let go of your own ideals for how
and who, and let the Lord speak to your heart in the way only HE knows you
need.
May you find comfort there.
* * *
Send in your own stories of something you have done, thought, or said that might be a bit 'crazy'... Send in your own questions and struggles.
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