Saturday, May 5, 2012

Striving for Desexualization.

The Comment:
When I was reading your blog post about lust, this question was going through my mind. I feel like I have been trying to completely de-sexualize myself. But then, attraction is natural, and it has to happen for marriage to happen--which is a good thing. But I'm just wondering, how do we stay away from lusting, yet let relationships happen, too? Because I really tried to rid myself of every sexual desire that I could and just shut that part of myself off, bc I was too worried about sinning. Where is the fine line between lust and life? How do you know when it's good to allow yourself to be attracted to someone?
Gosh, I don't even know where to begin.
Upon reading this, I was honestly sad. Sad because I know you're not the only one in the world with this mission in mind.

I think we are sexual beings. I think God created us to be sexual. I think sex is a beautiful gift that we've been given and because so much darkness and sin surrounds it, it seems to have become tainted. We grow up thinking that sex and wrong and bad, and so any time we have a sexual thought, we slap ourselves on the wrist. Any time we go too far with our boyfriend/girlfriend, we beat ourselves up.

We train ourselves to become people who, on our wedding night, lock ourselves in the bathroom because we can't bear the thought of having sex with our spouse. There's been too much negativity associated with it our entire lives.

I firmly believe this attitude we have toward sex is wrong.
To de-sexualize yourself seems like one of the most unnatural things we can do. And, I get it.  I get the reason why you might feel like you need to... but I don't think it's the solution to lust.

I don't think we can flip a sexual switch on and off, as much as we might want to. Turn me on for my husband, but turn me off for any other guy. Nope. It's a battle. Turning me off for all time doesn't solve the problem though... in fact, I think it creates new ones.

Attraction isn't wrong. To want to be with someone... it's not wrong. I think the lust comes into play when we start imagining all the details of what it will be like. I think lust comes into play when we allow those images to linger in our minds- whether they are actual images that we are watching, or whether they're the ones we've created in our fantasies. And the lust becomes a problem when we give into these thoughts and these images instead of having self-control and turning away.

I would probably argue that sexual desire, in and of itself, isn't wrong... it's what we do with it that becomes the problem. I want to have sex. I hope I never stop wanting to have sex, even when I've finally gotten to have sex. I hope I love it as much as I think I might. But... that doesn't mean that I fixate on it, or conjure up sexual fantasies, or watch porn.

I guess I just fear really unhealthy views on sex. I'm not saying I have the best views on it (since I'm clearly inexperienced)... but I don't want to be scared of the sexual desires within me. I don't want to put them in this box of 'wrong' or 'sinful' until I'm married and then suddenly be expected to open those boxes on my wedding night and have there be new labels attached to them. Of course sex would be terrifying if that's your mindset.

Instead, I want to acknowledge that I have sexual desires. I have them, and I think they're good. I may not be able to indulge in them right now, but that's okay. In the meantime, I'll still let myself be attracted to my boyfriend...but it doesn't mean that I'm constantly lusting after him.

I think we all know when we've allowed ourselves to go too far....whether that's mentally or physically. We know when we've fantasized too much, we know when we've crossed a boundary with our significant other, we know when we're watching porn it's not a good thing. There's conviction that sets in and we know. Flee from those things, and I think you'll be okay. Don't get so caught up in not doing the 'bad' things, that you miss out on all the good things, either.

You are a sexual being. Embrace it. You were created for sex... you were created to were created to be fruitful and multiply!
No need to get all crazy with it right now... but don't deny yourself something beautiful that has been given to us.

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  1. I used to think I was a bad person for looking at girls a second time.

  2. Such a good answer to a really complicated question. I enjoyed reading this post. =)

  3. Later this month, my wife and I celebrate our first anniversary and your post nails it right on the head. Not only is it unhealthy individually to completely ignore this part of us that God created, it's unhealthy for a future marriage. God made us to be sexual beings and a marriage without it really struggles. How much more so then, for a fledgling marriage between two people who grew up learning that this gift is ugly, distorted, wrong or perverted? The gift is beautiful and precious. We need to think of it as such. I think if we approach our sexuality as such: as a treasure to share, then we can learn to appreciate it so much more and not associate such negative attachment to it.

  4. Hey Debbie,

    I just started reading your blog and I really like it. Good stuff. In addition to the great points you made above, I think you're also tapping into our tendency to take gifts from God and distort them into something else because we don't trust he got it right the first time. (Sex becomes pornography, wealth becomes greed, admiring God's creation becomes vanity, etc). Anyway, thanks for the post. I look forward to reading more of them.


  5. Motherfucking system my comment got deleted...

  6. Ever heard of the Single Forever Liberation Front ❔ It's a non profit organization which helps involuntarily celibate individuals to feel good in a hope that they won't feel sad dying virgin.

  7. Love is bad, it only brings sorrow, betrayal and disappointment. It's better not to love in the first place. Don't give affection; it'll get thrown back in your fuckin face and leave you dejected and suicidal ‼