Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Friends with Benefits

The Comment:
What do you do when you think you have a good guy, because he talks all the time about waiting for his wife and everything. He really likes you but always has an excuse on not getting into a relationship when the reality is he wants to be single and just have you as a make out buddy?
Ah... the 'ol friends with benefits card. Unfortunately, I have played this hand before... on both sides. In high school I was the one calling the shots, keeping it casual and commitment-free. Later on in life, I was wanting more of a commitment and he wasn't.

My short answer? He's not that great of a guy.
My lengthier answer? Maybe he is a great guy, he's just a little mixed up right now and struggling through some things. Which, I'd essentially conclude, that where he's at right now isn't a place you should be dabbling around, too.

I guess I think (from experience and from talking to plenty of guys) that if a guy really likes a girl, he will do whatever he can to make it happen. If for some reason he can't (some legitimate reason) and he really likes her, he is going to honor that and not find silly excuses to not date her and not lead her into a bunch of emotional anxiety by still making out with her.

It sounds like this guy is playing on some of your emotional heartstrings and you need to be really cautious. 'Friends with Benefits' is typically a colossal mistake. Someone always winds up more emotionally invested in the other... and the more you give of yourself physically, the more you are going to long to feel connected to this person in other ways. It's the way we are wired.

We long to be connected, we long to be known, we long to be wanted. So, sometimes we do whatever it takes to feel that way...even if it means we compromise ourselves. Stop!

I'd encourage you to think about what really makes him a 'good' guy. If he talks about waiting for his wife, but he's willing to make-out with you for fun without commitment... something isn't adding up. There's a disconnect between the things he's saying and the things he's doing.

Be willing to walk away from the friendship and not put yourself in compromising emotional and physical spots. It doesn't seem that, right now anyway, it's worth it. This requires a lot of self-control on your part... it requires walking away from something/someone that you might enjoy and value a lot. I think you'll feel better when you're able to free yourself from this unhealthy attachment.

Maybe he's that great guy... but he needs some time to sort through life and figure out how to become the man that he needs/wants to be. Be willing to give him that time- even if it means walking away. If he really does like you, he'll either respect your decision or not be able to live without you. Time will tell.

Also... be willing to be patient and wait for a guy who wants to be more to you than a make-out buddy. You deserve more... and they DO exist.

You've got this.
Go be bold.
Do what is right... not always what feels good.

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  1. i think you nailed this one debbie.

    as a guy who's made the mistake of hurting a girl(s) with his actions, i urge any girl that is facing this situation to stand strong and know that she is worth so much more. if he's really a good guy, he will figure his life out and get back on track with God before pursuing a girl anyways. it always has to be in that order for anything to work out. if it's not, then it'll never work so you should just save your time and effort and walk away early on.

  2. I love how most of your posts acknowledge grey areas. It seems to me like a lot of Christian authors are, "You should do things this way or not this way or you are totally wrong!" And for some things this is true, but I think that there is a grey area for most significant or not so significant debates and challenges in life, and I love the way that you address them. I've also been wanting to tell you that you should write a book, and then I read one of your blogs where you mentioned you were thinking about this. So seriously do it! You're an excellent writer and your write in ways that people can relate, I love it! You're blogs are like my bed time stories.

    1. Thank you! I really appreciate that...
      We will see what happens with the future and book-writing. Something good, I hope.