So, my husband and at one time boyfriend has had a pretty hard past struggling with women sexually/emotionally. He describes his past with them as a "struggle". When we were dating I idealized who this man was... Sure he might have "struggled" with women, but he LOVES The Lord and seeing him today there is no way he could still struggle with them- and especially not with me, bc what we have is true love. These were my thoughts... My "truths" about him. Through dating and breaking up and dating and breaking up and dating and eventually getting married HIS PAST is what we struggled with. And in between each "break up" he struggled STILL with women. And after each break up it felt like hell trying to recover what trust had been lost while we were broken up. I have never dated anyone but him. And he has slept with/messed around with X amount of women. This past, these women... I have sought out to forgive and hopefully forget. The hardest part is being married to this wonderful man but invisoning this innocent man in my eyes committing these acts with these women... Making him the farthest thing from innocent. I know I have forgiven his past. But I can't stop having these envisions creep in whether it be while reading a book/ dreaming.. I know the devil is using these thoughts to build a barrier between us. I guess what I want to ask is what your thoughts are on forgiving a past so different from your own and is it possible to truly forgive but still remember the pain this has caused? And if so is that ok? Is it ok to bring it up with him even though it could strike up old memories and hurt? I have used his past against him previously, but since we have been married I have steared clear from it even talking about it... But it drives me crazy at times not knowing ALL of him. I hope this makes some sense..Thanks for sharing.
This is hard. Really hard. My own experiences open me up to a small portion of what you might be going through, and while I wish there was some easy solution to the visions and the thoughts vanishing completely from your mind... I'm not sure there is one. Unfortunately, I believe this may be something that you'll have to battle a lot. I don't think it means you haven't forgiven, though...
Here are my initial thoughts:
When I look at love in 1 Corinthians 13, there's that really great clause that we like to overlook that basically tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs. That love isn't resentful. Love isn't holding something over someone's head...and this can be done whether we are talking to them about it or not. I feel like I've had relationships absolutely fail because I could never really get over the 'wrongs' that had been done. While I might not be mentioning them all the time, I was still living and acting in accordance to the wrongs done... which essentially meant that I wasn't fully trusting, and I wasn't giving him the chance to truly be different and live in the fullness of grace.
I think there's probably a lot that you need to process through on your own, but I'm not sure if they need to include him. I think, especially considering the dreams and visions that seem to come at random times, that it would be wise for you to seek professional help. That there's something valuable to having someone to sit, listen and take an unbiased stance in your life as you sort through the hurts that you've experienced (and still are experiencing) because of your husband's sin.
At some point they may advise you to bring your husband into these conversations, but, at least initially, it seems like it may be more harmful than good for the two of you have to have them. Maybe an initial conversation where you let him know that you need healing and you're going to seek out help as long as he's okay with it...and hopefully he will be more than happy for you to get help from an outside place. Be fully honest with him, but not in a way that casts blame on him...not in a way that makes him feel guilty for his past (especially if he is walking in freedom from that now).
I don't think you don't need to know all of his junk, all of the specifics of his past... and it's probably better for you to not know all of it. Let him invite you into those areas of his life as he is ready and willing, and as he sees necessary. I think a lot of times we are just driven by fear of the unknown and so we want to know everything...but sometimes it's better for us to live in the unknown. Sometimes I think we think it's better to know all the details...but depending on the details, the harsher realities of what actually happened can be more detrimental than the possibilities of what happened. Knowing the fullness of what happened doesn't always help us sleep better at night...
Bottom line: talk to your husband about getting professional help from a counselor. I think this will be the initial step to take in moving toward full healing for yourself. Sometimes it's easy to believe that since it's not 'your' sin that it doesn't affect you... but it does. It has to. You've been made one. His sin affects yours as yours does him. There can be healing for you, in a way that will allow your relationship to flourish (hopefully in ways you never before dreamed!). The more you hang on, the more you allow these visions and dreams to be all-consuming in your mind, the more likely it is that you will explode one day without him ever even knowing what hit him.
Be willing to take the hard steps toward healing. I think you'll find them to be worth it in the end. Pray about how to approach your husband gently in this, as well. Make sure you choose your words wisely, in a way that ensures him of your love, of your concern, of your desire to look at him as only the man he has become/is becoming without letting the past cloud your vision of him.
He has been redeemed!
It's the beauty of the Gospel that we not only get to embrace for ourselves but for those we love.
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