I remember curling up in the back of my parent's Expedition on our way home from a summer family vacation, listening to sappy country love songs and letting the tears roll down my cheeks. We were leaving behind the man I thought I was going to marry. Granted, he was actually a boy and I was a middle school girl whose emotions were fleeting (okay, okay...not a lot has changed)... but, at the time, I was sure that he was the one for me.
For months after that trip, for several years in a row, I found myself in mourning. I'd plaster up pictures of him from the trip, write him a letter or two (this was before email had really taken off), and cry alone in my room over my 'soulmate' who was always too far away. It was never meant to be. This is one of the first times I recall truly torturing myself over a boy.
As I got older, my torturing methods got a little more intense...especially as relationships actually happened. Post break-ups, my time was often spent analyzing old emails, looking at pictures of the two of us, listening to 'our' songs (no, not Taylor Swift...). Sometimes it included catching the gossip train from friends of friends, finding out what he was now doing or who he was now dating/interested in. Sometimes it meant sitting for hours on AOL Instant Messenger hoping to see his screenname pop up so I could then debate for many rigorous minutes if I should message him and what I could say, while desperately hoping that he would talk to me first. It was torture.
It didn't always pertain to guys I had been in relationships with, either. I found ways of torturing myself with any guy I was remotely interested in...whether that meant waiting for phone calls that would never come, attempting to plan 'unplanned' encounters, finding reasons to email them or chat online with them, trying to get any and all information I could about their current relationship status. It was absurd. And unfortunately, as technology has advanced, I think that our ability to self-inflict wounds has gotten increasingly easier.
Think about it...
You have access to a lot of information about people that you didn't used to have which makes stalking quite a lot easier....which, essentially, makes the torture (and the creepiness factor) much easier to inflict upon yourself.
While I can knock social networking sites and advanced technology all day long, it doesn't change the fact that we're the ones choosing to engage in behavior that is oftentimes harmful to ourselves. We're the ones checking his Facebook page multiple times a day, we're the ones finding reasons to casually text him, we're the ones reading through all the old emails, notes, journal entries and listening to all the songs that make us think of the 'one that got away'. We're the ones looking for any possible reason to be jealous or worried about him moving on before us (as if we could somehow prevent it...). We're the ones posting statuses and pictures and hoping that he'll be jealous or interested in our lives again based off our wit and all the happenings in our lives.
You've done it.
You may even be doing it right now. As soon as you finish reading this blog, you're going to check out his Facebook page one more time to stay current on who is posting on his wall (it better not be another girl...) and if his status will give you any indication of what he's up to (maybe you can 'accidentally' run into him at Starbucks....).
It's torture.
And while we've found ways to torture ourselves long before the Internet existed, it certainly hasn't helped our cause. Your mind is constantly racing, you're losing sleep, you're anxious and worried and it seems like all you can think about is this guy...whether he's a one from the past or future possibility. And the more you think about it, the less control you seem to have over your actions and the more you can justify doing ridiculous, crazy things.
It's never beneficial.
The more you dwell on these things, the more you decide to do things which only prolongs the pain... the more you suffer. Each time you revisit his page, you're inviting the wound to say open longer, to get more infected, to take longer to heal. You keep trying to fix things, to make them better, to make them 'right', to make him understand.
Ladies... stop.
We have to stop. The moment we become these obsessed girls in a frenzy is the moment that we lose a lot of our ability to think rationally about things. It's the moment that we start making decisions we regret. It's the moment we start to feel (and act) Out Of Control.
It's another one of those times where you have to take it to the Lord... and it's definitely one of those times where you need to implement self-control. Establish boundaries for yourself. Do other things with your life so you aren't just waiting around, going mad that he hasn't returned your phone call or texted you back yet (or, even better...don't give yourself any room to call him or text him so you aren't waiting for his response). You have to start making healthy decisions for yourself, decisions that allow you to be a real person not driven solely by fears and carnal desires....decisions that are also honoring of the other person (even if that means allowing them to move on and develop relationships with other people).
But you love them, you say?
Sometimes letting go is the best way you can love them. Sometimes letting them make their own decisions without you influencing their every step is the best way you can truly care about them. Sometimes relinquishing control is just necessary--for both people. And sometimes letting go is the best way you can give them a little space to figure out how they actually feel about you.
I think you'll find that the less time you invest in them, the less you'll be thinking about them. If you can set up boundaries to help dictate the number of times you get on Facebook each day, or maybe banish yourself completely from 'stalking' them via social networking sites, or make sure you're not the one initiating contact with them...I think you'll begin to recognize how in the blatant attempts to not torture yourself, the better you'll feel. Find a friend to help keep you accountable in these boundaries.
You don't need to make the pain worse by choosing to continually invite it back in again...and again... and again.
Do yourself a favor. Move on. Live your life.
Let it be out of your control and see what happens.
Remember that there's much more than this.
And stop torturing yourself.
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