Monday, February 25, 2013

February 16, 2008

I wrote this five years ago: 

“He will never give up on you.”

I heard these words only a week ago.  They touched my soul, they brought tears to my eyes, they were exactly what I needed to hear.

I have forgotten them again. 

There seems to be this constant trend in my life—I have become a broken record.  I am selfish, I don’t know how to love, I want to be known, I can’t understand, etc. etc.  I grow weary thinking of the cyclical pattern my life has become.

If I want something, truly want something, why do I not go after it?  Why do I not trust that the passions of my heart might be exactly the passions God has given me to pursue?  Why am I so scared of failure? 

I question the things I think I want though.  Do I really want them, or does it ultimately come back to me and wanting something that is seemingly prestigious that might bring glory to my name? 

I realized today that I’m scared to really let people in because I have no control.  When someone seeks after me, wants to know me and love me, and I then reciprocate this…I lose control.  They become idols.  And then the Lord rips them away from me.  I am left with nothing. 

The truth?  I want more. I want human companionship. I want love.  I want someone physical that I can rely on and hold onto. I want someone to physically be there—to be intimate and deep with, to look into their eyes and know that no matter what I do, I will be loved.  I want to see Christ’s love reflected in a human.  I want to love someone that way and be the recipient of that love.  I want what it seems like so many others have.  I want to be needed, to be missed, to be known.

I want to be seen.

Why do we all long for our lives to be all about us? 

It seems justifiable.  It seems normal.

But how wretched. 

Lord. I have to live for something more than me.  

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