I wrote this five years ago:
“He will never give up on you.”
I heard these words only a week ago. They touched my soul, they brought tears to
my eyes, they were exactly what I needed to hear.
I have forgotten them again.
There seems to be this constant trend in my life—I have
become a broken record. I am selfish, I
don’t know how to love, I want to be known, I can’t understand, etc. etc. I grow weary thinking of the cyclical pattern
my life has become.
If I want something, truly want something, why do I not go
after it? Why do I not trust that the
passions of my heart might be exactly the passions God has given me to
pursue? Why am I so scared of failure?
I question the things I think I want though. Do I really want them, or does it ultimately
come back to me and wanting something that is seemingly prestigious that might
bring glory to my name?
I realized today that I’m scared to really let people in
because I have no control. When someone
seeks after me, wants to know me and love me, and I then reciprocate this…I
lose control. They become idols. And then the Lord rips them away from
me. I am left with nothing.
The truth? I want
more. I want human companionship. I want
love. I want someone physical that I can
rely on and hold onto. I want someone to
physically be there—to be intimate and deep with, to look into their eyes and
know that no matter what I do, I will be loved.
I want to see Christ’s love reflected in a human. I want to love someone that way and be the
recipient of that love. I want what it
seems like so many others have. I want
to be needed, to be missed, to be known.
I want to be seen.
Why do we all long for our lives to be all about us?
It seems justifiable.
It seems normal.
But how wretched.
Lord. I have to live
for something more than me.
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