Some tend to argue that they are doomed to fail and there's no point of entering into them. Others are quite optimistic...granted, these are usually the people that are currently in them. I'm hardly one to make blanket statements about topics that clearly have evidence of success in them, but I would have to agree that the long-distance relationship presents some unique challenges. It doesn't mean they're impossible, though. I just think there are things to be wary of upon entering into said relationship.
Here's my list of things to consider/be cautious of when you find yourself either entertaining the idea of jumping into this relationship or already in the midst of one:
- Idealization: Because you're not really spending as much time with the person as you might be if you lived in the same place, it's easy to place a lot of things upon them and it's easy to forget a lot of things about them. For example...he may be really messy, but because you never have to see his house or his room, you forget this tiny detail that actually drives you crazy. In your head you've decided that he's probably cleaner than you think and you must have imagined the messiness....and since you're not really around the messiness much, you truly believe this. Or, maybe he has certain habits that annoy you, but over video chat you can't really tell that he's a slob while he eats. And yes, both these examples are superficial and things that don't really matter, but they are little things that can easily worm their way into many an argument. It isn't always superficial, though. Sometimes the way they talk about things isn't a true representation of how they actually are...and so while you're only getting to hear them talk, you aren't getting to really see or experience the way they are truly living....which leads us to my next point.
- Other Relationships: I think it's pretty crucial to see how your significant other interacts with other people on a normal basis. When you're only in town for a weekend and meeting his family and friends for a hot second, you miss out a lot on normal daily interactions...which are actually quite telling of someone's character. You learn a lot about how he thinks of others through the way that he treats others, whether they are strangers in a restaurant or some of his best friends. Getting to witness this is important...and so even if you're in a long distance relationship, it can be tempting to only spend time with each other when you finally get to be with each other! Do try and make it a priority to spend time with each other's friends and families as much as possible.
- Physical Boundaries: In those limited moments together, it's easy to want to spend as much time together being physically intimate. Unfortunately, this can get out of hand a little too quickly...especially the more your rationalize and justify. Can't you just hear yourself saying, 'But I won't get to kiss him for another month, so I better get as much kissing in while I can...'? And while kissing isn't inherently bad, if you spend your entire weekend together only kissing... I'll probably argue that it is bad and certainly not conducive to establishing any real intimacy between the two of you. Long distance typically leads us to making exceptions for things where we normally might not, and it's easy to convince ourselves to be spontaneous and seize the moments while we can. It doesn't mean you should, though. If you're in a long distance relationship, I hope that you've developed some good boundaries for yourselves and that you're finding ways to adhere to them. Well, let's be honest...this applies to all relationships.
- Sacrifices: All relationships require sacrifice. Long distance just seems to require more. Being glued to the phone, or the computer screen, for hours at a time, giving up more sleep than you might normally because it's the only time in the day you two can connect, spending money to see each other (whether that's on gas or flights). It costs you something. If you want to make a long distance relationship work, you have to be willing to sacrifice more than you might in a closer-to-home-relationship. The good news is that it doesn't always feel like sacrifice...but the bad news is that it sometimes does. As with any relationship, there needs to be compromise and a willingness to consider the other person above yourself. Be willing to look at things from their perspective and understand, that with the distance, that communication may be harder and you may read into things more than you should...and so open, honest conversations are absolutely vital.
- Communication: One advantage I've found in long-distance relationships is how communication can flourish. Instead of watching tv together every night, you're more apt to talk about your lives and get a greater understanding of who the other person is/wants to be. You get to dive deeper into the heart and take time to really hear about each other's days. You get to become each other's best friends....you even get to learn to enjoy the silence beyond the awkwardness of it. But... this can also fade. Conversations can be scaled to sweet nothings and soft mutters and intentionality can be lost. Seek to maintain depth in your conversations, to truly care about the other person on the end of the line and how they are really doing. Look for ways to challenge them, inspire them, encourage them, listen to them...remember the things that they say, remember the things that they are doing in their lives and ask them about it. This will be one of the primary ways you care for your significant other and it can be such a beautiful thing!
I honestly don't think long distance relationships are doomed. And, as you can see, there's just a lot of work required in any romantic relationship. Almost all the things I wrote about are things that can easily be applicable to any relationship and should be things to always remain mindful of. Just know that long distance can be a bit of a stretch for some.
I guess I hope that, at the end of the day, if you meet someone who you think is worth it...that you won't let distance get in the way of exploring the possibilities. That you wouldn't make blanket statements about how you would 'never do long distance'. But, I also think it's important to be aware of the different challenges you may face in one and how you can work through them to still get to know someone intimately and deeply.
And while this isn't a requirement (and I've known many people who have gotten married without having done this)...I would still think it a wise thing to live in the same place as someone for a little while before marrying them. At least, that's how I think I'll need to do it.
Take heart, friends. If you're currently in a long-distance relationship... you aren't doomed. There's hope for you (even if it sucks sometimes...). Just proceed with caution!
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