Friday, April 27, 2012

Scared & Hiding

I started writing this blog thinking that it would cater to a younger female audience. My vision was that high school and college-age girls would identify the most with my rants about the craziness of the female race.

Turns out that my rants about crazy girls are more sporadic and my random thoughts about issues in life seem to be the overwhelming theme of this blog.

I've been incredibly surprised by the amount and type of people who consistently seem to keep up, though. Moms, youth pastors, 30-year-old men, single women in their late 20's, college guys... and of course, the high school and college-age girls. It's weird..

But it makes me wonder how much we're all (no matter where we are at in life) really searching for answers. It makes me wonder if deep down, none us really feel like we know anything at all. That as much as we can speak with authority and conviction on certain subjects... I wonder how much we're really hiding. I wonder how many of us are scared of being known, scared of being discovered, scared of failing. 

In the last 5 years or so I had this vision of writing a book some day. It was to be a book about fighting. A book about not having all the answers, a book about struggling to live each day and letting that be 'normal'. 

I grew weary of reading so many Christian books that seemed to have all the answers for us. I was annoyed by the easy solutions and fixes to the things in my life that didn't seem so easily fixable. I was frustrated by simple Christian phrases that are tossed around so easily, and when I took the time to really consider what they meant... I still wasn't sure. 

Instead, I wanted to write a book that said, 'Hey world, this is me... this is me raw, and broken, and not having anything together... but still believing in Jesus, still believing Jesus is worth it. This is me fighting for something better, hoping for something more... and sometimes failing and sometimes succeeding.' It was to be an invitation for people to join me, for people to journey with me. A grand idea that the more we could all admit that we don't have it figured out, the more something beautiful and changing could sweep across the world. 

I tried to write it. I wrote clips and bits of it. You've maybe read some of it here, actually. I even sent in a sample of it with the idea for the whole thing to be published.  Too personal, they told me. No one wants to read that type of thing. Maybe they're right. 

So, I stopped writing for a long time-- except for job required things. 
I got scared. 
I'm still scared. 

When I started up this blog in January, it didn't come without fear, doubts and worries. Every day I debate whether or not I should keep writing, how often I should write, if anyone even cares about what I have to say. It's been a battle. 

And I realize that the fear is consuming. 
I fear being judged, I fear disagreements, I fear being wrong, I fear failing. 

Do you? 
Yours might look different than mine (in fact, it probably does)... but, I can't help but wonder in the deepest places of our hearts if we're still searching. If we're still searching to be known, but desperately scared of the fullness of what that means. If we're still searching to fully believe in a God who sometimes seems full of contradictions. If we're still searching to follow a Messiah who spoke in riddles and parables. If we're still searching to find ourselves and simultaneously get over ourselves. 

And because we're still searching, we are terrified. 

Does our fear of being found out, of being discovered... of being seen naked, exposed, vulnerable... does that fear drive us more than anything else? 
I sometimes think it does. 

What are the things you avoid, the things you run from, the things you put off... because of fear? 
How much of your life are you living in fear? 

Is there something that you know you should do, but you've been too scared to do? Whether that's fulfill the purpose of your life, or have a hard conversation with someone, or quit your job, or move somewhere else, or forgive someone, or break up with someone, or propose to someone, or confess to someone... I don't know... 

But, I just want to urge you to think about it.
And then to be willing to walk through the fear. 

I'm writing again. 
It doesn't stop being scary, but I still keep doing it. It hasn't been what I've expected, but it's been good. 

What is it for you? 
Do it. 
Right now. 
And then tell me all about it. 

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