Thursday, April 12, 2012

Quest for Worth

In desperately wanting to know what it means to truly find my identity in Christ, I think that today I must surrender. I don't think I will fully know what it means on this side of eternity... not truly, anyway. 

I think we're really good at throwing around Scripture, at even praying through Scripture, at longing for a wholeness and pursuing it wholeheartedly. I think our hearts our often pure in this quest for finding our worth in something greater and deeper than our outward the quest to know that we matter, that we are worth it, that we have what it takes. 

I wonder, though, if we're setting ourselves up for further heartache. 
Because there are always those moments (if you can't tell by now, I have a thing for the 'moments') where we get it. The moments where we get a taste of the wholeness, we get a taste of what it means to rest in Him--we believe fully that we are His and nothing can take us away. 

But the moments pass... 
And suddenly we feel inadequate again. We feel unwanted. We feel ugly and fat. We feel too this or too that.

Confusion sets in. 
'But God, didn't I just have this incredible encounter with You? Didn't I just fully believe that You were enough for me? Why do I not feel that way now?'

The result to these questions play out in a few different ways: 
  • We think our faith isn't strong enough, and we beat ourselves up for failing at keeping our focus. We beat ourselves up for doubting, for believing lies. 
  • We get angry with satan, and throw out accusations at the father of lies. 
  • We give up.
  • We hide our disappointment behind a fake smile and a overly cheery grunt that 'God is still good and sovereign and I'm so in love with Him'
Maybe your response is different, but I think ultimately we all feel a little defeated in some capacity when the moment passes us by. I have yet to meet a woman who is 100% satisfied with her appearance, 100% confident and secure in who she is, 100% able to find her identity in Christ all the time. 

It makes me wonder if we're missing the mark.... again... and again... and again. That maybe the solution isn't in the attempts to feel like we're worth it, that we matter, that we are sons and daughters of a King. Maybe those are the promises of what's to come, and the moments simply provide tastes of eternity with Him. Maybe the solution isn't to set out to rebuke the lies of the enemy in this aspect of life... maybe because this battle has already been won. 

I guess this is how I see it: 
Reality? My life is always going to be a roller coaster of feeling like I know what it means to find myself in Christ, and then, quite oppositely, feeling like I don't know where to begin in finding myself at all. I think the truth of the matter is that this world is not our home. We are still sinners saved by grace... we are still surrounded by sinners, by imperfection, by brokenness, by illness, by poverty. 

This was never the original plan...but as long as we are here on this earth, it doesn't seem that we can get back to where it was...not until Jesus comes again. I don't see why we expect to get there in our identity when we know that the hope we have is for something that awaits us in the future. 

In all of our efforts to rebuke the enemy and fend off the lies about our image, our identity, our worth...I wonder what it might be like if we directed all of our efforts toward rebuking the lies of another's image, another's identity, another's worth. 'Cause as much as we don't want to admit it, I wonder if the quest for our identity is just a ploy of the enemy to keep us from being focused on the real battle: making disciples of all the nations.

I wonder if we are trying to fight a battle where victory has been claimed. The verses in Scripture we cling to are typically ones of truth... 'you are this'. It seems once we know Christ, this cannot be stripped from us. While feelings come and go, the truth remains the same. While my view of who I am in Christ might seem different from time to time, it doesn't change that I am His. Nothing can separate us- not even my fleeting, irrational emotions. 

I wonder if we might be able to be women who can readily accept that some days I might not feel so beautiful, I might not feel so wanted, I might not feel so worthy... but that I can still be a woman who continues living out my calling, regardless of whether or not I feel so loved and cherished by God. Some days, in this fallen world, it's going to happen... for the rest of my life. It doesn't negate what is

Instead of getting so caught up in me...
Could I be a woman who will laugh at the days to come? Who will laugh thinking about days of no more tears, no more death, no more questioning how loved I am, no more doubting that His inheritance is really also mine? 

There doesn't need to be defeat in this as we press on toward the goal. It seems as though it can simply be a reality of our sinful world... a reality that we can mourn, but where we can also cling to the hope of what is to come. 

There only needs to be perseverance, diligence, standing firm... and not losing sight of the biggest calling on each of our lives. 

Don't be destroyed by attacks on yourself. Move onto something greater, something bigger. Reach out to someone else. Be willing to forget about you. Trust that the good moments you experience about who you are in Christ are a taste of what is to come... and fight for the souls of others in how you pray, live, think. 

That, I think, is a quest that is worth it. 

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