Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Confessions of Mean Girl

Hi. My name is Debbie.
I am a Mean Girl.

I started at a young age where I did things like put 'kick me' sticky notes on other kid's backs and formed groups where I laid the law down about accepting girls with too many freckles- strictly forbidden.  Arms were broken, hair was ripped out... we rumbled on the schoolyard of my elementary playground (okay, not so much the latter... but the broken arm thing definitely happened).

There was retaliation, of course. I remember vividly going back to my desk after lunch one day. As I moved swiftly to sit down, at the last minute I caught a glimpse of something in my chair. It was too late. Before I knew it, blueberries were smeared across the seat of my white denim shorts. It would happen to be a day of a school assembling, meaning that us 2nd graders would take our place near the front of the gym in our K-6 school. I did what I could: I untucked my oversized Mickey Mouse shirt and let it fall to my thighs. I'd rather look pant-less than take on a new nickname of 'Period Girl'.

Over the years the immature acts died down and I nestled down into a passive aggressive, exclusive, silent but gossipy type of Mean Girl. Instead of kicking girls out of my group, I managed to find reasons why we just shouldn't invite them to join--justifiable reasons, at that. Instead of physically putting 'kick me' notes on backs, I verbally abused others behind their backs.

I daily wrestle through an assortment of thoughts that just aren't nice. I have a thousand reasons why I'm better than you, a thousand reasons why I shouldn't invite you, a thousand reasons why you annoy me. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep things from flying out of my mouth. Sometimes it's simply because I'm jealous or threatened and so taking you out seems to be my only defense... but, again, that's mere justification.

I'm here to tell you that I'm still a Mean Girl.
I don't want to be.
I want to be kind, and gentle, and loving, and compassionate... and a whole slew of other adjectives that are good. I'm just not.

And this time it's not okay.
'Cause I've been on the flip side. I've been on the side where I'm not invited, when I'm made fun of, when I'm talked about behind my back...when blueberries are put in my chair. I know how it feels to be picked last, to not be wanted, to not have my feelings taken into consideration.

The thought that I make anyone else feel like that makes my heart ache. But I know that I've done it... and I know that I still do it from time to time. In these moments I feel ever-aware of the darkness of my heart. I'm sorry if you've ever been at the receiving end of my Mean Girl wrath.

The brutal truth?
We're Mean Girls to each other, more often that not.
Consider your words, your actions, your thoughts...
When you're annoyed with another girl, what do you say to/about them? How do you treat them? What do you think about them? When another girl is dating the guy you like/your ex-boyfriend... what goes on through your mind then? When someone has made fun of you, how do you respond?

I'm guilty.
I need help.

And today I'm thankful for a second chance. Another chance to love where I have hated. Another chance to pray that light would penetrate the darkest parts of my heart. Another chance to be redeemed and forgiven of my sins.

May we begin shedding our Mean skin, and putting on our New skin.
No more excuses, no more justifications...
It's time.

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  1. As usual, this post hits so close to home it hurts and heals at the same time. Thanks so much for your honesty, Debbie. Keep up this amazing blog!

    1. thanks for the encouragement, Jenn. It means a lot.