Sunday, October 27, 2013

Move Toward More

The Comment: 
People say when you know you know... Well I know he just hasn't figured it out yet. [What do you do] when the person you are interested in is clueless. 
Another Comment (along the same lines): 
The question is always in the back of my mind. Will I ever get married? Am I supposed to get married. When do you know that you have found that guy. When do you know he is the right one. How do you know if he is the right one when there is no form of pursuing happening. Maybe I just answered my own question, but in my head it still remains. When do you know it is him. The man that the Lord has for you? Because right when I think I found him he obviously does not feel the same... Oh the questions in my head. 
I hear it a lot...
"When you know, you know."
I've even written about it before.
And maybe it's true... maybe it happens. But, I still don't like us to think of it as a must...a prerequisite for marriage. And, I certainly don't like it when we (as females) allow ourselves to think that just because we think we know, that it must be right.

Because, if I'm being honest, I probably thought knew a lot of times.
Probably once in high school... definitely once in college...and at least once since then (maybe even twice). The thoughts of, "He could be it... he could really be it! He has everything I've ever wanted in a guy!"  Only, there was a missing component. Lack of interest in me. Somehow it didn't seem that important (or else it didn't register)... it was as if I thought it would just happen because he was so perfect for me. How could it not? It was meant to be. Because I knew....and eventually he would too. Eventually the Lord would reveal to him how I was the person he was supposed to be with...right?

And so I waited.
And waited.
I put my heart out there over and over again, establishing friendships with these guys fully based in the hope that we would be together forever someday (once they realized it, of course). And I over-analyzed, of course. Oh, the questions in every girl's head...

At some point you just have to STOP.
To stop processing, and re-processing, and processing yet again... to stop convincing yourself that it's going to look a certain way or has to look a certain way. To stop creating scenarios in your head that are not reality and are merely based on your own hopes and dreams of what could be. It'll drive you wild.

A helpful tip?
If you're convinced that you know and he's not showing any sort of romantic interest in you...? Be willing to admit that maybe you don't know. I'm sure there are a few cases when a woman knew and it took the guy several years to come around... sure. I'm not saying it's impossible. But I am saying that, regardless, let's not be women who base our whole life and identity around that. Do your life, despite him. Don't change your course because you think you have to intersect it with his somehow. If he is your guy, it'll happen. If he isn't, I think you doing what you need to do outside of any relationship is going to help you move on. That once you begin to live as though dating, relationships, marriage isn't your sole purpose in life, you're going to find much more fulfillment when you begin moving toward things that matter significantly more.

Honestly, I think that's often the crux of our problem as women. Our continual desire and need to make men the means to our happiness. When we do that, everything revolves around them...whether they are a presence in our life or whether they aren't. Whether we date all the time, or we never date at all. We define ourselves by our relationship status. We find our worth in it. We find our hope in it. We spend hours and hours analyzing, day dreaming, controlling, manipulating...convinced that when we know, it's going to make the whole world right. We have to find him, obtain him, and keep him.

But what if we could live outside of all of that?
Outside of the over-analyzing of almost every male-female interaction? Outside of the needing to know what he's thinking, what he's doing, what he's feeling, where he sees this going questions that we mull through constantly?

I only think it's possible if we are willing and able to acknowledge that life is about abundantly more. That there's more that matters. That if, while we're chasing passionately after the Lord and someone happens to come alongside us and it makes us better pursuers, knowers and sharers of Jesus....that it's good and just part of our lives instead of our whole lives. But up until (and even after) that point, what if we were people who cared about more? Invested in more? Spent time in more? Thought about more?

It's a hard shift.
I guess I've just recognized in the last several months how consuming romance (or the idea of it) can be...and how much it can strip us, distract us, keep us from our bigger purpose in life. If it happens, let's let it happen and let it move us toward better. But if it's not happening right now? If he's not digging you? Let's be women who press on toward Jesus, no matter what. Let's not get so wrapped up in when/if he's going to 'know', and let's be women who seek to know Christ and let that be what matters abundantly more.

Why?
Because, friends, that is a life worth living.
All the questions we can't possibly answer about guys/relationships and all the theories we have and all the 'right' ways to do things? There are always exceptions, always stories that break the mold, always a different ways to do things successfully. People who never thought they'd get married who got married, people who thought they'd get married but never did. People who got married without knowing each other, people who got married after dating 20 years. People with arranged marriages, people who courted, people who online dated. It's all unique, all different.. and it's beautiful.

So, instead of spending so much time trying to figure out how to do it all 'right' (without ever really succeeding)... I just want us to be people who spend our time on the things that matter, the things we do know...and letting the other stuff happen as we go.

The questions are good questions. It is good stuff to process through. It's natural to wonder. But, I want us to not dwell there, to not exist there... and to push on toward He who matters infinitely more than all of this.

Let's STOP.
Stop all the questions about him.
Move toward more.

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