Broken

Am I too broken?

It’s a question I’ve been pondering lately.

I think the response from everyone else is naturally a, ‘Of course not!’

But…

I’ve wondered.

Am I too broken to maintain any sort of healthy relationship with others? Because I have the tendency to be guarded, to push others away, to doubt, to test, to run away, to not trust their motives, their words, their actions. I have the tendency to believe that people will just hurt me and so it’s better to be ready for when that happens…

Am I too broken?

Am I able to see beyond the past wounds and hurts in my life and believe that my story isn’t always cyclical? Am I able to believe that good could happen? Could I believe that people don’t always lead double lives? That not everyone you let in will betray you?

I’m quick to jump to conclusions.

I’m quick to allow the past to haunt my present.

I’m quick to believe that even the most irrational thoughts might be true...because they have been before.

How does one recover?

How does one believe that healing is possible when she only feels shattered upon letting others in? How does one ask someone else to be willing to walk through that healing with her, knowing the astronomical amounts of patience and love that is required?

I’ve realized that I often decide that for other people. Rather than let others know the depth to which I need healing, I often assume that they’ll want nothing to do with me when they finally realize how messed up I really am. Rather than let them decide to what degree they want to be involved in my life, I decide for them. I only tell them so much. I only let them walk so far.

You shouldn’t have to bear more than this. I think to myself, and act accordingly, when I’ve decided they’ve done more than their part.

Am I too broken?

A life of pushing others away often seems better than the alternative. Who wants to try to get close to someone who is constantly questioning, doubting and fearing? Who wants to have to put up with that? I don’t want to be that person in someone else’s life. I don’t want to have to ask someone else to put up with all of this.

Let me clarify: I don’t feel too broken for the Lord. I know and trust in the depth of His love for me, despite all the junk and baggage that I carry. I just feel too broken for other people. And maybe too prideful to admit that sometimes I need them. And maybe unwilling to believe that sometimes good can happen. Sometimes people can want in…sometimes people can want to choose to love me...that sometimes they might think I’m worth it.

I feel too broken.

But, I also know I can’t let that continue to dictate my entire life as I interact and form relationships with others.

And so I’m trying.

Trying to trust that sometimes people genuinely care, truly want to know me...and while, yes, they might hurt me...it’s not always intentional. That there has to be grace that I extend toward others while they patiently extend it toward me.

It’s a two-way street.

One that’s not only about me and my own brokenness.

Maye I am too broken.

Maybe we all are.

Maybe that’s the point.

That it’s only through Christ’s love that there’s any hope for us at all. That without Him, I’m unable to truly love anyone else despite their baggage...and vice versa. The power of the Gospel displayed through our broken humanity.

I can’t keep running, doubting, fearing, pushing.

Despite my brokenness, I have to believe that others can and will truly love me...while placing my hope and trust ultimately in the Lord, my Savior...my healer. In Him, my disappointment with the world gains perspective as I’m reminded how truly in need of Him we all are.

And so I walk hesitantly forward…

Trying to let others decide the role they play in my life...instead of running, doubting, fearing, pushing.

Am I too broken?

It’s not the question I want to try answer anymore.

Despite my brokenness, will I let people choose to love me?

Lord, help me.

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