In the midst of good stuff, I feel like I'm always waiting, expecting, anticipating The Crash to occur. Things that are this good don't actually happen, I think. And so I brace myself for the worst. Better to be equipped for the blow than caught off guard by it, right?
I'm realizing how debilitating it is to live life like this though. How suffocating.
Could I ever exist in the center of something good without wondering about The Crash? Could I ever possibly believe that good can sometimes just be good? Could I ever let myself have a moment of good without ruining it completely by focusing on the potential bad?
This summer, as I was planning on moving my life again and starting a job that was risky and uncertain (a job that, in so many ways, also felt too good to be true)... I often hesitated. What if it doesn't work out? I kept waiting for something to interfere. I kept waiting for all the bad stuff to surface...because something like this doesn't happen to someone like me. And so I'm scared to believe that it could and that it would. Sometimes I'm so scared that it limits me from moving forward into whatever lies before me.
It happens in relationships, in friendships.
People don't and can't actually care this much about me. It's absurd. Eventually they'll realize who I really am and change their tune. I brace for The Crash.
It seems easier to tell myself that bad is always around the corner. It seems easier to be prepared for what I think of as 'reality'. It's self-preservation, really...
But, it's suffocating.
Living a life in fear of The Crash, anticipating that bad will always come leaves me no room to truly enjoy the good. It leaves me no room to exist in a place of joy because I'm simultaneously caught up in wondering when the bad will appear and destroy whatever good thing I'm in.
I sat down with a dear friend today and as we talked through some of my fears and insecurities, she reminded me that while it's easy to operate out of my brokenness and deep wounds...there's a freedom that's been offered to me. She reminded me that there's an enemy who would love nothing more than to see me so fearful of The Crash that it robs me of truly rejoicing in and enjoying the good. She reminded me that perfect love casts out fear.
There's freedom.
It's mine... if I choose to embrace it.
Christ has come, He loves me so much, He longs to give even me good... will I allow that love to throw out the fear?
Can I embrace the good?
Can I let it be exactly what it is?
Can I trust who the Lord says that He is? A Father who gives generously to His children...? A Father who doesn't give a snake when His child asks for a fish...?
I must.
I can't let the lies, the fears, the worries destroy the good in my life any longer... nor do I want it to. There doesn't always have to be The Crash, and I want to live confidently in knowing who my trust is in that I'll be someone who rejoices regardless of my circumstances, not because I tried to prepare for them ahead of time.
I can't possibly know what's coming.
I can't live life weighing all the terrible possibilities, waiting for one of them to drop down on me.
And so I'll enjoy the good.
The blessings that have been given to me that are abundantly more than I deserve.
Because He is a good God. All the time.
I want to live in that truth and let it be what defines my life... instead of in fear of The Crash.
It's better.
Of that, I am sure.
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