Even if you don't want them anymore...there's still this pain that resurfaces when you realize that you're no longer necessary, that you're no longer part of the plan... that they no longer want you. It's probably one of the hardest parts about breaking up. Admitting that there's actually someone better out there for them than you.
The sting doesn't ever seem to go away. Even though it's been over a decade since some of my break-ups, there's still the prick of a reminder that someone else was better suited for them. It fades, sure... but it's still there.
It's hard to not immediately go into my little pity party mode. It's hard to look at things objectively and rationally and truly put others before myself. It's hard to not think about the one million things that must be wrong with me that make me unable to maintain a relationship, or unable for someone to want to be with me for the long haul.
It's actually funny how much I notice self-deprecation when it comes out in other people, but seem perfectly oblivious to it within myself. When others are hard on themselves or unable to see any sort of good that they have to offer, it's so frustrating to me. How come they can't see the good? How come they can't believe in themselves? How come they have to be so consumed by the negative? I don't get it. I'm not like that...
And then my eldest brother told me how I am like that. I am always putting myself down.
He's right.
I do.
It's this form of self-preservation, I think. Even the good things that happen to me, it can never happen because I'm actually good or talented or desirable--but there's always a hidden motive, reason, excuse for why something good could actually happen to me. I'm too scared to ever hope for anything different.
I don't believe in me.
And the break ups remind me that I wasn't good enough. They're proof that I cling to show the world I was right. The moving on allows me to believe that someone else will always be better than me. It perpetuates this spiral of thinking that I'll always lose, I'll always fail.
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
There's an opportunity for things to be different. For me to be different. There's that opportunity for you, too. The question always becomes about whether or not we want to change. It seems easier for me to mope and be sad and lonely, believing that I'm ultimately incapable of anything good or that people don't genuinely care about me without any hidden motive. It's much harder to go through life hoping and believing...when the risk of disappointment is so high. It's much harder to keep going through life hoping and believing...even when there is disappointment and heartache.
I want to change.
Do you?
The self-loathing has to stop. We can't keep searching for every reason to feel sorry for ourselves, to think we're failures, to feel like we'll never get it right. From our ex's moving on, to not getting a job, to getting a bad grade, to messing up a recipe... whatever big or small thing: these are not the things that define us.
My circumstances shouldn't change who I am. My feelings shouldn't change who I am.
I suppose it's about time to start really believing that.
Let's seize this opportunity for a second chance... another chance to be different, to believe in who we really are. And may that transform everything else...even when they move on.
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