Monday, November 5, 2012

Get Over Yourself

"Don't you sometimes think, 'Why wouldn't everyone want to date me?'"

It was a question I asked several of my co-workers a few years back, quite sure their response would be a resounding, 'YES!' I was a bit thrown off when the majority in the room looked at me, baffled that one could ever muster up such a prideful thought. Many commented on how they usually think the opposite, but only one or two others admitted to having the audacity to occasionally think that they thought of themselves as so cool that everyone would want some of that.

It's kind of my life.
I feel like a living contradiction. While I try to express both sides, I'm positive that my negative self-image surfaces more than my prideful, boasting self. But, seriously.... I sometimes ask myself the aforementioned question. Don't you?

Maybe not. Or, at least maybe not to that extreme.
I waffle back and forth between loving myself and hating myself, probably failing to find the middle ground of a well-balanced confidence. If I'm not bashing myself, I'm usually finding some reason to think I'm awesome.

Sometimes, unfortunately, these two extremes seem to exist simultaneously within. For example, I might convince myself that I'll never get married, that no one will ever want me, etc.... while also thinking that I'm going to marry perfection in male, human form because he won't be able to help loving me (because I'm that cool...). It's a strange, strange place... this mind of mine.

These are usually the moments where I feel very different from other people. You know how when you talk to people for a while and you sort of realize that we're all really similar when it comes down to it? This is a point where I don't really feel like everyone else is the same as me. Maybe to a degree, but it never seems to be as extreme in others as it is with me. I had to take these personality tests recently and I as checked boxes that verified how important I think I am, I also was checking boxes that would assure the test evaluators of my extremely low opinion of myself. I can't wait to see the results of those exams... if they can even figure them out.

I mostly think it all breaks down into pride and vanity though. It all breaks down into self-absorption on some level. I'm suddenly hit with the reality of realizing that I am consumed with me: whether that's the awesome me or the pitiful me. My focus is on me alone. I'm either feeling sorry for myself, or feeling like I'm the most important thing to be birthed into the world... and I've failed to recognize that beyond the limits of my own skin, there are a lot of other people out there. There are a lot of other needs. A lot of other things that matter more than this...that matter more than me.

I think we, as humans, are desperately searching to find our own place in this world. We're longing to know that we matter. Sometimes we're already convinced that we do matter. But we get so caught up in this. Even as Christians we do--maybe more so. We have to know that we are loved. We have to know why Jesus loved us so much. We have to know and believe that we are worth it and we are beautiful and that we have what it takes....and sometimes I feel like we have to know these things before we can do anything else.

But what if that's flawed?
What if our desperation to know these things have only catered to a pride and a vanity that perpetuates this thought that life is about us?

We are so deeply concerned with how we fit into God's plan that it can limit us from living in it. We're so caught up in our self-image that we've forgotten whose image we're made in and what our purpose is. I get so caught up in pitying myself, or so caught up in admiring myself....that I lose sight of everything else.

I don't know which side of the pendulum you fall on (self-loathing or self-admiration)...or maybe you're like me and struggle with the extremes on both ends? Mostly I think we just need to remember that there might just be other things...and people...that matter more. That either extreme is taking too much time/energy/thought to focus on ourselves.

So, in the kindest way I can say this: Get over yourself.
You're not that're not that awesome. And, even if you are? It doesn't matter. Go do something with your life that glorifies Jesus and involves loving others, without yourself getting in the way.

You may just discover a new confidence within yourself as you seek to love Him and that is filled with humility and joy, one that is certain of who you are, one that doesn't come crashing down with the thoughts of self-loathing or go floating away with the internal boastings.

Let's do this.
Let's get over ourselves and stop caring so much about who we are that we lose sight of Jesus, that we lose sight of how much more other stuff...other people...matter.

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1 comment:

  1. I needed this SO much tonight. I really can't put into words how much I needed to hear this. I do the same. I know that I do not fit into ANY box. I do not fit in ANYWHERE. I'm never at home, even with my family and friends. I feel like I was made for a different place. Sometimes I like this fact about me and that no one really knows what I'm thinking or where my mind is going. And other times I feel desperate to know that maybe just maybe there is a friend or a random stranger that I might meet someday that can relate to the mess of a person that I am. I know this struggle is a little different but it draws the same conclusion. It's not about me. I feel like God can't use me because I can sympathize with people and I most certainly do not have the same struggles as anyone else that I know, so I feel like I can't help other people and I can't know what they are going through. BUT, like you said: GET OVER MYSELF! I do not serve a God that will leave me stagnant and unusable. He is more than able to use me for HIS glory if I will be willing. THANK YOU!