Wednesday, June 5, 2013

When Girls Put It Out There

The comment (in response to 'Guys Can't Read Minds...?'): 
What about when the woman puts herself out there and then is...left hanging? 
Hrmmm, what about that, indeed...? 
You bring up a good question and it's one I haven't necessarily broached because of the whole traditional model of men pursuing women that I usually like to adhere to (key word here being usually). While it's initially never my intent to pursue the man, there are still moments where I've 'put it all out there' because I can't take it anymore... 

There are those instances where the friendship line gets blurry and for the sake of my own sanity, I've definitely broken the 'a woman must always wait for a man to express how he feels about her first' mold. I've usually regretted it. But sometimes I just needed to clear the air in order to really, truly move on. 

Because, what I've discovered is that when a guy hasn't said something, it almost always means he's not interested. Especially in the moments when I'm left hanging...

The moments where you say something that's (to you) very clearly indicating a, 'hey, I like you... what do you think?'... and then you get nothing back. 

My question for you is: did you literally say those words? Did you actually straight-up tell the guy that you're interested in him and get no response? 

I think us ladies like to think we put ourselves out there, but sometimes our 'putting ourselves' out there is actually this weird, ambiguous thing that guys don't always catch onto. Maybe sometimes, if they're also interested in us, they will...and maybe sometimes, when they aren't interested, they still do...they just use our ambiguity as an excuse to not have to have the awkward 'I'm not into you like that' conversation. But, sometimes they just don't catch on. 

So... have you really put yourself out there? Have you left no room for doubt his mind that you're romantically interested in him? Or did you just pay him more attention than you do other guys, or flirt extra flirty, or say something that might possibly insinuate the fact that you have feelings beyond friendship for him...without actually saying that? Or do you use a thousand emoticons every time you text him? Or initiate conversations and hang-outs to the point where he just has to know? If you haven't straight up told can't be sure he knows anything at all. 

I don't typically advise women to 'put themselves out there' unless it seems like the best step in moving on/getting over someone/clarifying friendships. I don't typically advise it because I'm a firm believer that men will usually be proactive about pursuing girls they're interested in. Ask most men and they'll tell you this is true.

But- if you've put yourself out there (like really, truly done it) and he's giving you nothing? I'd say the lack of his responding to you is your answer. Let it go. Or, confront him on it and have the awkward conversation if you think that's what you need to do...if you think that's the only thing that will give you closure so you can move on.  

If you've put yourself out there in the 'not really put yourself out there' sort of way and you feel like you're left hanging? You're either reading into things too much because he has no idea you're interested OR he's not interested and he's pretending like he hasn't noticed you 'putting yourself out there'...  at this point you should just let it go and try not to worry so much about it. Or, if it's another one of those moments where you just feel like you have to say something and it's driving you mad, you're going to have to be a bit more clear in your putting yourself out there. And, try not to read into everything if you haven't really made yourself clear. He may not be leaving you hanging at all and you're just driving yourself crazy for no reason in the meantime. 

Regardless of if you've really put yourself out there, or just kind of think you have... and you're left hanging? My response is the same: it sucks, but you have to remember that this doesn't define you. His lack (or apparent lack) of romantic interest in you doesn't determine who you are, it doesn't take away from your value, it doesn't mean that any great guy that you're interested in will never like you back. 

Maintain perspective...even when you're left hanging. Confront it, if you really feel like you must... but in most situations, I feel like the best response is to move on, to let it go, to let it be. To trust that there's someone else, and that he's better suited for you than this guy. There's someone else who won't leave you hanging. There's someone else who will put it all out there for you first.... someone else who will never make you wonder. 

So... move on. 

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1 comment:

  1. Why would men respect women as equals if they expect men to carry more risk? The tradition you reference through out this article is nothing more than an excuse not to do any thing. There's nothing in this article that doesn't also apply to men except the fact that women are more selfish than men in romance. If you don't meet men half way you'll attract men who view you as temporary ass or are weak and lack self respect.