Thursday, October 11, 2012

Single Forever?

The comment:
Maybe there's a part of me that doesn't actually want to stay single forever. But it sounds easier, for sure. How can I relinquish control of that area of my heart without doing a 180 and turning into one of "those" girls who is obsessed with finding a husband? I don't even want that - I just want a person to do life with, to have adventures with. I just want a normal, jesus-loving, awesome dude who happens to fall in love with me. How can I find that without settling for a "normal" relationship, am I allowed to maintain my creative, independent, stubborn nature while simultaneously hoping God will send the perfect guy my way who loves me for all that i am? And what if He doesn't... what then?
I think there's always something to being really honest with the Lord and with yourself. It's often easier for us to deny things that we feel, think, want because we don't want to face the reality of what that could mean for our life.

In your instance, admitting that you might not want to be single forever means that you're opening yourself up to a lot of risk...and perhaps the biggest risk of all is choosing to believe that God might actually be good and give you something that you want, and then not having it happen, for whatever reason. Then what happens...? So, rather than face all of that, it always seems easier to deny that there are parts of you that may want something different for yourself.

It also sounds as though you live in extremes. You'll either want nothing to do with the prospect of marriage or you'll become obsessed with the very thought of meeting the right guy. Instead of maintaining a balance (which is attainable), you jump from one extreme to the other. I think this is where one of the first steps is just admitting to yourself and the Lord that you might not want to be single forever. I think this allows you to open your heart to the idea. Not become obsessed...but to be open to the idea that it is possible.

I suppose I don't know what you mean by a 'normal' relationship. There's probably the reality that at the end of the day, if you find someone who is 'normal' (does that exist?), Jesus-loving, and awesome that you're probably still going to have conflict and challenges. There will be moments when life might be mundane or tedious. Ultimately, I think choosing to live life with someone means choosing to love them and you'll have to let that look however that needs to look. At some point you'll have to shed expectations of your 'normal' relationship and allow the relationship to take it's own form, knowing that two people coming together are bringing two very different things into the equation.

I think you're always allowed to maintain pieces of who you are... as long as they are in line with who God says that you are. Some of the independence and stubbornness that you cling to might actually be some of the very things that the Lord longs to chip away at. Would you be open to that? Would you be open to the Lord using a partner in life to help with that refining process?

One of my favorite Oswald Chambers quotes is below:

“When He [God] talks of their losing their selves, He means only abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts (I am afraid, sincerely) that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.”

It's kind of this beautiful reminder to me that the more pressed into Christ we are (which always means the shedding of our flesh and sometimes the very things we tend to cling to about ourselves) then we will actually be more ourselves than ever before.
So, with that, I guess my question to you is are you willing to abandon aspects of your nature that might need to be abandoned? Not for the sake of marriage, but so you might find a better version of yourself for the sake of Christ? Could there ever be the possibility that a partner in life might help bring you into this place as you are being sanctified daily?

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'd urge you toward openness... in your own heart, in your conversations with the Lord, with possibilities of what could be, with what a relationship can look like, with what a man you could spend the rest of your life is like, with what being single on this earth could look like. Openness toward yourself being refined, changed and growing and becoming more yourself than ever (which might be very different from the girl you remember being) and letting that be okay. Openness that the unknown to all your questions could even be better than denying a desire that might exist.

And ultimately?
Ultimately trusting in the Lord's goodness and sovereignty and being willing to trust that when it looks different than anything you might have imagined--it's always better.

Be open.

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  1. Whoever wrote this... I am praying that the Lord would work in your heart. I think to find this balance, peace, and openness is only something God can do in your heart. So, praying for you!! Just chill, girl, cause He's got ya. No worries. :)

  2. I know that I need to have the mentality of 'God is enough'. My goal is live a life in reflection of that, and everything else falls into place. I need to make sure that I am the 'best' person I need to be. Great post

  3. It certainly sucks very much to be a single man that is looking for a good woman to share my life with, and the very hard part is finding a good one these days.