And rainy.
Somewhat of an ominous feeling--particularly exciting for a Salem night a few days before Halloween. This place is witch city and the additional impending hurricane makes it all the more crazy (like a ghost town, actually). Fortunately we're not really within the line of fire (although we attempted to make it into the NYC area today but the threats of squalls and floods deterred us).
Life has been pretty low-key lately. Filled with babies and television and family and food... can you really complain about that? It's like one really long vacation, only less stressful and with some work stuff on the side.
The last few days I've realized how terrified I am about the future. Too terrified to want to make a decision that seems like a long-term commitment. It seems easier to play things by ear, to not settle down, to not decide on anything at all. Time is going by quickly though, and I'm left with some pretty big-time decisions ahead of me.
In the midst of this, I've also become very aware that I want a family. It's something I always said I wanted, but, truth be told, I think I knew I always wanted a husband but felt okay without the additional responsibility of what kids would mean. Babies were frightening and unfamiliar, toddlers were screaming, walking, needy monsters, and teenagers were out of control, near-sighted mistake-makers. No part of raising children seemed super exciting... it only seemed like one sacrifice after another. I never felt competent enough to successfully get kids to adulthood, either.
But then I started hanging out with babies. And one of my brothers introduced me to Parenthood. And then I've spent the last 2 months with my family... and I've been increasingly thankful for each of them.
I want a family.
I want to have kids. I want to adopt kids. I want to be married. I want to go through the hard stuff of everything that entails...because I've seen the joy that also accompanies it. I see the way it refines and changes you and the way you learn to live a life outside of yourself.
And so I'm scared.
I'm scared that as I'm in this period of transition that I'm just waiting for a season of marriage and family to finally kick in. It seems stupid to be waiting though. It's like I'm wasting time. I don't want to live life waiting. I want to be proactively doing things that I know I am called to, that I know I am passionate about. So, in the process of trying to sort through what that even means for me, I want to erase this thought in the back of my mind that I'm still just biding my time...that I'm still just waiting.
My oldest brother and I talked a bit about it the other night. He said, 'It seems like God has a best plan possible for you right now and for you to say that your plan is better than His is ridiculous.' Which is true. And it's what I'm doing. I'm essentially saying, 'Okay God...I'll do this other thing until you decide to do things my way.... because my plan is the better plan. My plan is what I want more than your plan'.
The hilarious part is that everything is different in hindsight. Looking back at the last ten years of my life, I don't regret being single for a moment. I love the opportunities that I've been able to have, I love the job that I was able to do, I love the people that I got to meet, the places I was able to go... and so much of that was possible because I didn't have a spouse or a family to worry about or to take care of. It was only what the Lord had for me.
So why can't that continue to be my mindset?
Why can't I continue to trust that the Lord is taking care of me, that His plan is best... even if that never entails the things I think I want right now? Why can't I live that way without having to look back and acknowledge it was better?
It's kind of this vulnerable spot for me right now.
Still admitting that I don't have these things and that sometimes I desperately want them...and hoping that people don't ever feel sorry for me in the process.
The good news is that I don't have to make any big-time decisions about my life today. But, when I do (which is sooner than I wish)...I'm going to walk in faith that the Lord does have a best possible plan for me right now, even if it doesn't include what I think I want. I don't have to live my life feeling like I'm waiting for something better to come along. Perhaps I might live, instead, with the mindset that wherever I am... it's good. A balance of being content, yet still pushing on toward what lies ahead...without some preconceived notion of what that actually is.
It's a funny, complicated thing.
In the meantime?
My big decision will be what kind of topping I want on my pizza. I do love pizza.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing right now.
And it's good.
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I like to think of it this way: You could die in a year. Or Jesus could come back next week. Just focus on Kingdom work. Even if/when you have a family that should be your focus too. Heaven is coming, and it's gonna be incredible. So when you get there, it really won't ever matter what you had in this world and this short lifetime. Praying for peace for you about this.
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