Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Sexual Temptress

I’ve been a temptress.

A sexual temptress.

It’s not something I'm proud to admit, but it’s something I think we need to talk about…and therefore honesty becomes crucial. Again.

It happens during those times in relationships when you’re pressing up against established physical boundaries…and although you know that he’s told you that it’s hard for him when you kiss him on the neck, or the ear, or the mouth, or when you wear certain clothes or say certain things—it doesn’t matter. You want to make out and so you’re going to make out.  You’ll pretty much do whatever it takes.

And so, because we women can be temptresses and often get what we want when we seduce and allure, we make out. But the second he does something he shouldn’t do… it’s the second we get angry, we accuse and we freak out about the fact that he went too far. It’s his fault… isn’t it?

He’s confused. ‘You were the one that wanted to make out…?’

‘Yes, but…not like that…’ sigh. He just doesn’t understand.

Now we’re fighting because we’re struggling physically, we have no self-control, we feel guilty, our relationship is impure, God is disappointed with us, we’re blaming each other, etc. etc. etc.

Has it ever happened to you?

I think we sometimes fail our men when it comes to the sexual aspect of our dating relationships. I think we fail our men because we don’t really understand them, we’re selfish, and we are impatient.

When a physical boundary is established in a dating relationship, I think there’s this important thing that’s revealed. An admittance of, “this is how far I feel is too far…this is what I'm unwilling to compromise on….this is what I value….this is what I how I want to remain pure”. I think honesty is essential in this conversation, and then I think a deep respect for the other person must follow. Because, we may not always have the same boundaries as our significant other. In this instance, one needs to be willing to adhere to the boundaries of the person who wants less physical intimacy, not pressure them into more.

Now, I'm not a guy so I can’t speak fully into this topic….but from what I understand, it’s easier for guys to go from 0 to 100. Meaning, when he says that kissing you makes him immediately want to rip your clothes off, he probably means it. So, when he says that he can’t kiss you, it means that he’s trying to honor you and knows what his body is and isn’t capable of.

To a girl, a kiss can often just be a kiss. It’s sweet, it’s simple, it’s a brush of the lips and very rarely does it instantaneously take your mind to the bedroom where the ‘unthinkable’ is done. So what’s the harm in a kiss?

So you kiss him, because you want to kiss and you’re perfectly in control…so he should be too. And as he’s trying to refrain from ripping your clothes off (like he told he’d want to do if you started kissing), you’re immediately angry at him for not being able to control himself with just a kiss.

Does it maybe seem unfair?

I think it’s unfair of us women to ask our men what arouses them sexually and then ignore it…and then get angry when they’re ‘too’ aroused. I think it’s unfair of us to ask our men what arouses them and then use it as a means to get what we want…

Because, sometimes we just want to make out…and so we’ll use the things he’s told us make him craaaazy, because we’ll get that quick and harmless makeout session. And then we’re ticked when it’s not what we were expecting/wanting.

We think we get to call the shots sexually.
We think we get to control it.
Maybe not consciously… but I think we do it more than we realize.

And in the end, I just think we’re unwilling to wait and be patient for an even greater intimacy that is possible for us. We think that the make out sessions will satisfy our cravings, but in reality we’re left either wanting more or left disappointed and angry that our man wanted more out of us then we were wanting initially.

It’s somewhat an issue of respect.
Will you respect him enough to abide by the boundaries you’ve established?
Will you respect yourself enough?

You’ve established the boundaries for a reason, right?
The more you tamper with the lines, the more you seduce, the more you flirt with the all the possibilities in the sexual realm… the more likely it is that you’ll fight, that you’ll feel disrespected, that you’ll feel unheard, that you’ll feel like one of you cares more abut purity than the other…which then leads into a thousand other conversations that can assault character, integrity, and a desire to follow Jesus.

It isn’t fair.  And I don’t think it’s how it ought to be.

Be cautious, dating friends.
It’s a vicious sexual world that we are all a part of and trying to sort through carefully.

Be men and women who respect each other deeply. Who love each other well. Who are willing to lay down your sexual desires for the sake of the other person. Your relationship isn’t about you getting to make out. You were never entitled to that. It is about honoring the other person and caring for them as you determine if lifelong compatibility is for you.

Be willing to make hard choices, be willing to make choices that aren’t always your favorite, be willing to make choices that sometimes make you feel like a child (because you recognize your lack of self-control and that you may need constant supervision, or something).

The purity is worth it.
The integrity is worth it.
The respect that you give each other is worth it.

And be willing to take the blame if it’s your fault if things get out of hand. Be willing to give grace. Be willing to receive mercy every morning.

This dance is confusing and challenging…but it’s possible.

Ladies- be willing to recognize that even when you don’t understand all the sexual tendencies of a man, you need to still respect them and honor what they’ve asked of you.

Don’t be the temptress, no matter how much you want to be wanted (or even feel like you need it—you don’t need it like this, especially not right now)… and help your man be the man of integrity and purity that he aspires to be. And men, same thing goes for you, too. Help her maintain the purity and integrity that she seeks after as well. It's a two-way street. Recognize that you're both sexual beings and you need to be on each other's side in this battle. 

There can be victory in this. 

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1 comment:

  1. Great thoughts Debbie. I'd add that boundaries are the first step, but in my experience it was a constant struggle once they were there to not push them. It's hard not to be impatient...or hormonal...and you're right, it's hard for men to keep a kiss a kiss and not allow the mind to rocket off to everything else we want to do physically.

    Communication in this is so important for dating couples...and it just gets more difficult the longer you date and the more serious you become in your relationship.

    What is amazing and fulfilling in marriage can be so destructive outside of it. Thank God that there can be victory, and we are not slaves to our bodies and our base desires: no matter what our culture says.