Thursday, September 27, 2012

Too Extroverted to Tango?

The comment:
Why do extroverted girls become introverts around guys? I am talking to a group of friends hanging out, chillin', laughing... then along comes a guy that I do not know- it's cool- there may be not interest on my part- But my mind goes blank of how to interact with them- I care too much what their impression of me is- therefore forfeit every part of my true identity and fade into the abyss,  my hide away- aka I run, leave, don't try and become a hermit in my loneliness.
I mostly just think you're scared.
Of what...?
Probably a few things. I don't know all the elements of your past, and so I'm not sure how your past wounds and hurts play into your interactions today but it's quite apparent that they do.

Here are a few immediate things that come to mind though:

  • What if they like you and you don't like them back? No one likes to tell someone else that they're not interested. It's awkward and icky and there's the chance that if your extroverted self is extroverted around guys, they could get the wrong idea. It's probably happened before... as extroverted girls can easily send guys the wrong message without meaning to. The world would be a whole lot more simple if you could always be yourself and not worry about how your actions might affect others, huh? This would be the fear of confrontation. 
  • What if they like you and you maybe, sort of like them back? Not actually like them, but are interested enough to entertain the idea of more in your head...which naturally will come out with your actions. You'll eventually find yourself flirting with them and laughing with them and, before you know it, you might even start dating someone you're not entirely sold on... just because the attention was nice in the beginning. It's hard to get out of these once you're in them, and so it's easier to not even mess with the possibility from the get go. This might be defined as the fear of getting involved in something you don't really want. 
  • What if you like them and they don't like you? Sometimes the extroverted-ness (I know it's not a word...) moves you into a place of being overly flirtatious with a guy that you truly are interested in. You find yourself doing and saying things that you wish you wouldn't...but you can't seem to help yourself. You're not necessarily meaning to do/say them in front of this guy, but when you're really yourself, you kind of just let it all out and lose any sort of filter you might have had. There's the fear of letting him see who you really are and him rejecting you. Vulnerable city? I think yes. 
  • What if they like you and you really like them back? Sometimes, when you put yourself all out there, a guy just might embrace the fullness of who you are....and he just might want to pursue you and love you for the rest of your life. Could it be?! I know it's hard to believe, and I know it's hard to accept...but sometimes we aren't who we truly are because we walk in fear of believing that God would ever want anything good for us (especially in this area of life). Or maybe we're fearful of commitment...or maybe we're fearful that love actually exists and the ramifications of what that means for us is absolutely life-altering. 
There might be a few other ways fear could be driving you... but, I think, at the root, the issue is fear. You let the 'what-if's rule you and control you, and, as a result, you lose part of who you are every time you interact with the opposite sex. 

I always thought that I needed to be a certain way in order for a man to ever want to date me. I needed to be calmer, I needed to be a little less weird...maybe even a little less awkward. And then I watched friend after friend get married off (friends who are weird and crazy)...and I watched them be the fullness of who they are with their husbands. Now I've just realized that I'm going to be who I am and a lot of guys won't like me or want to date me...and that's okay. I'm quite sure I don't want to date most of them, either. But there will be one. One who will choose to love me...despite everything else. I'm still hopeful for that...and I'm not altering myself in the process. 

I'd encourage you to do the same. To walk in the assurance that it doesn't matter and there's no need to be fearful... that you might live in the fullness of who you are, no matter who surrounds you, no matter who walks in the room. You might have some awkward conversations of letting a guy down gently, you might feel rejected, you might end up in some pseudo-relationship that you don't want (try and have some accountability in this, though). It's all okay... it's all refining...and it's all freeing. 

Be you. 
It'll be the one of the most attractive things about you. 
And, you never know. Maybe he'll like you and maybe you'll really like him back. 
You won't know until you're you, though. 

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