Rotting in Your Prison

Tonight feels important. 

Not for me, perhaps.... but maybe for you? 

I've been told often that one of the things people find refreshing about me is my honesty. I'd probably be lying if I told you I was always 100% honest with you. No, I don't blatantly lie... but, I know that I don't lay it all out there for you. I'm always honest enough to get by. Always honest enough to where people are thankful for my willingness to go 'there', but, in reality, I know that I haven't gone quite as far as I could have. This time, I don't feel like my honesty is as important. 

Tonight I read someone else's honesty though. It is inspiring, but it also reminds me that sometimes my life is quite trivial. While I've known pain, I don't know if I've known it to the degree that many of you have. While I've experienced tragedy, I don't think it quite measures up to the despair some continue to feel on a daily basis. While I've screwed up plenty of times, nothing really feels 'unfixable'. 

Comparing our crap to each other to see who comes out in worse condition isn't the point here. I think I was just reminded that while I can casually be living life, there can be a world of hurt surrounding me that I'm oblivious to. 

I feel like the last few years, especially, have introduced me to territory that I'm absolutely unfamiliar with... and it's stuff I don't always understand or know how to relate to. But it's stuff that's real and stuff that people who are dear to me have struggled with (or are struggling with). Stuff like self-destruction- both in the form of suicidal thoughts and cutting. Stuff like eating disorders. Stuff like sexual addiction. Stuff like affairs and unfaithfulness. Stuff like drug and alcohol addictions. There's more. There's always more. 

I don't always understand the severity of these things. I want to... but there's a part of me that ignorantly thinks that if this is something you don't want to do, then don't do it. It seems like a simple, easy solution. Only... I know that it's not. I know it's more complicated because, as much as we don't want to do things, we simultaneously want to. 

So, there's instant war within. People begin fighting, what probably feels like, an endless battle and they're unsure of who the victor currently is. They are struggling and they are desperate for a way out...they are desperate for freedom. And because sometimes the freedom and victory feel too far off to ever possibly seize, they hang their heads in defeat and immerse themselves back into the pits of despair, into the claws of addiction and self-deprecating thoughts. They stay with what they know, because what they know is...known. There are no surprises here, no need to live up to anyone else's expectations. In some twisted way, our own prisons have become safe. 

There's often a lashing out at God...whether it's to question His existence at all, or to merely throw insults His way, or, more than likely, doubt His goodness as you pull yourself back up again from rock bottom. Is He there? Does He hear your prayers? Does He care? If He's there, if He hears, if He cares...then why is all this the way that it is? 

You want answers. 

You demand answers.

And when you don't get them, you feel your faith being chipped away a little at a time. Some of you have already gotten to the 'Screw You' point... you've dropped your cross and you are no longer following. Some of you are hanging on by a thread, dragging each foot in some direction...hoping that just once God will come through, that He'll prove you wrong. Some of you just don't care anymore...and you're just doing whatever numbs the pain. 

I don't necessarily have answers. 

I feel like I could spit a mouthful of words at you've already heard before and it typically doesn't do much good until you're ready to hear.

I'm sorry you're hurting. 

I want to offer you hope.

I want to offer you freedom from the walls of your prison and assure you that it can be different for you. I want to tell you the stories of those who are living, breathing, changed lives...people who have found hope, who have found redemption, who have found out that the chains that bind can truly be broken. Are you ready to hear? 

There is more for you than this. 

I'd love to talk to you further about it, too. 

Your heartache, your addiction, your abuse, your despair... it doesn't have to be yours to bear alone. And if you don't want to talk to me, I really urge you to talk to someone. 

Stop whatever it is that you're fighting against and talk to someone. No matter how ashamed you are, no matter how worthless you feel, no matter how much you tell yourself that no one else cares... you must take this first step. 

This is a blog about second chances.

I wouldn't be here if I didn't fully believe in such a thing. 

They aren't just for me.

There is hope.

Break the chains. 

Do you hear me? 

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