Thursday, August 30, 2012

He's Got No Chance

The comment:
How do you tactfully let a guy who's probably interested know that you're not interested? If they haven't brought it up explicitly it would seem weird to bring it up, but also I don't want to lead them on.

I am the absolute worst at ignoring people so... I hope there is another way.

Like.. what do you say when a guy says, "Let's talk about you. You're my favorite topic." How the heck do you respond to that when you're not interested??? (which by the way.. that moment has long passed)

I feel really guilty knowing that I might accidentally be leading guys on.
Oh, what a fun topic we have here!
I'd hate to say it, but there's probably not one generic answer to this problem. Different things need to happen based on who he is, the relationship/friendship you have with him, and who you are.

Ignoring doesn't have to be your first solution (not yet, may eventually have to go there, though).

First of all- let's look at who YOU are. How do you typically interact with others? What's your personality like? Instead of doing something that's within a textbook answer of 'how to tell a guy you're not interested', I think it's valuable to look at yourself, how you communicate best with others, and to cater to your strengths as you go about this. You may have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone, but I think it's important to know where your comfort zone begins and ends.

Now- take a look at your current relationship with this person. Is he a friend? An acquaintance? To what degree have you shared your lives/hearts with each other? Is he a confidant in any regard...or is he simply a guy who found you attractive and began the pursuit, but you've been a bit distant from the get-go because you weren't ever interested? Understanding your relationship with him is going to be key as well as you attempt to communicate a lack of interest in anything beyond friendship.

Do you even want to salvage a friendship, or would you really just prefer to leave it on the acquaintance level? Know what you want, know what you think is most beneficial--and know that you don't always get what you want. You may be giving up an incredible friend because you can't date him, and you have to be okay with that. He might not be ready to keep up a friendship with you if he can't date you. Understand that it might be hard for him and you need to give him time and space to heal and lick his wounds.

Finally- evaluate who he is. This may be hard if you don't know him very well, but hopefully you'll know if he's the type of guy who appreciates full-fledged honesty or if he likes things a bit sugarcoated. Hopefully you'll know if he's the type of guy who isn't going to fully grasp what you're saying unless you start ignoring him, or if he's capable of hearing your words and maintaining a friendship without hope for more.

And, when it comes down to it, you'll simply have to do something you don't like/want to do: let him know you simply aren't interested. If you haven't talked about it, you don't need to tell him you're not interested. He'll eventually pick up on it if you distance yourself from the situation. You don't need to ignore him, but (depending on all those things above) you can respond less frequently, you can answer questions without asking a question back, you can make sure you're only hanging out in group settings. He'll get the picture.

If he's still not, you may need to start ignoring him altogether. Honestly, at that point, it's ridiculous that he hasn't said anything to you about his feelings for you thus far and if he's not going to bring it up, there's no reason that you should have to bring it up. Plus you run the risk of rejecting someone who might claim to not even be interested in you at all, and then you feel quite dumb (no, I've never done it, but I had someone do it to me when I wasn't actually interested in them and it was quite demeaning).

If you simply can't stand the thought of ignoring him, feel free to say things along the lines of, 'I think we should text/hang out/talk/email less'. You're not accusing him of having feelings for you, but you're making it very obvious that you want communication to decrease.

Oh, and when he says ridiculously things like, 'You're my favorite topic'--don't say anything back that would encourage more statements like that. Here's when knowing yourself comes in handy. I'd probably say something sarcastic or awkward...but something that would definitely communicate, 'I'm uncomfortable with what you said and I don't want you to say anything like it again'. Some might simply be that brutally honest. Know yourself and be willing to respond in such a way that discourages further comments like that!

Be bold out there.
If you really don't want to lead him on, don't.
And don't be that girl who says she doesn't want to, but secretly does because it's nice to have the attention (yes, I've been that girl before, too). Follow through with what you say, even if it means 'being mean'. He'll appreciate it in the long run, especially if he literally has no chance with you.

You've got this!

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