Thursday, August 16, 2012

Unloved & Unwanted

The comment
For the past year and especially this summer because of my job maybe, I've struggled a lot with feeling lonely and unloved. Most of the time when I'm hanging out with people I struggle the whole time and have to force myself to stay there because it's better than being alone, but sometimes all I can think about is how they probably don't want me there, or just don't care that I'm there at all. I struggle to share my burdens with people when I can't bear them alone. I do it anyway because my head knows its okay and good to share those things and people like being confided in as well. But in my heart I am constantly worrying that I'm inconveniencing them or they just don't want to hear it or I'm being selfish for not talking about them instead. I can't go anywhere to hang out unless I know for sure I'm invited, and whenever I approach two people talking I always ask if they're having a private conversation or if I can join. This has been plaguing me and I know affects me daily. I just love people so much and want to show them how much they're wanted but I don't even believe that they want to be loved or wanted by me, that they would even be blessed by it. I feel like I've been walking through life all summer brokenhearted, and waiting, expecting people to abandon me any second, even after they've shown me love.
I'm racking my brain for a kinder way to say this, but I'm coming up I'll just say it: this sounds miserable.  You're probably aware of that already, as it's been your reality for at least the past few months, if not longer.

I have a tendency to live in misery, too. I have a tendency to carry around my past hurts and current fears and let those be the things that I filter everything else through. It quickly becomes the lens in which I view relationships, myself, and even the Lord. Unfortunately, what I'm then creating for myself is very far from what is true and what is good.

The frustrating part is that there's probably some validity to why we feel like this. People have hurt us, we haven't been wanted, our desire to love others hasn't been received or reciprocated in the way that we might hope... and thus, an insecurity is born. I think it's then a choice we have to consistently make to decide if we want that insecurity to fester and grow, or if we are going to bring it to a halt.

I think there's something important to having an awareness of how you are viewed/received by others. There are social norms and cues to abide by (like checking to see if two people are, indeed, in a private conversation)...but I think than can be a really healthy mentality to adopt here. Instead of immediately jumping to a conclusion about how those 2 people want nothing to do with you, I think it's important to recognize that they might need to have a conversation that only involves the 2 of them and it just has nothing to do with you. There's a different between taking it personally and just letting it be okay.

I feel like I take everything way too personally and everything eventually becomes about me. It's something I'm working on myself. Just because someone is critical of something that I had a hand in, it doesn't mean they think I'm a terrible person. This is often where I immediately go in my head. Likewise, it seems like it could be the place you immediately jump to the second you feel unwanted or undesired by someone/something.

I hate this for you...but I think there's hope and freedom to be found.
I think it's going to take a lot of self-control and a lot of surrendering thoughts on your part. It's going to take a lot of speaking truth instead of lies. It's going to take a lot of loving people regardless of how you feel like they will (or won't) receive it. After all, it's easy to love people when you know they want it and they'll reciprocate it. It becomes one of the most challenging things in the world to act in love when you don't think they care.

I guess I think that when you are being obedient to the Lord and walking confidently in what He has commanded you to do, that eventually the other stuff will fade away. People will stop being the audience and your desire to please Him will be the one thing that matters. It will cause you to love unswervingly, no matter how people respond. It will cause you to be vulnerable and honest...because in your humility, others will see Him.

Keep forcing yourself to be around people....keep sharing your heart with them....keep finding ways to put others before yourself...keep walking in love. It's not your job to decide whether or not someone will be blessed by your love for them. It's not your job to decide if it's worth it to try and extend it to them. It's just your job to do it.

Abide in Him, and you will bear much fruit.
And along the way you'll run into resistance, you'll run into heartache, you'll run into people who just don't care. At some point, we have to get over our fear of man...and continue doing what we have to do.

And instead of misery, we find joy. Our tears are turned to laughter and our mourning is turned to dancing.

So, instead of fear and worry....I hope you'll join me in striving to choose joy, laughter and dancing.

May we be found faithful before the Living God--and may that be the thing that matters.

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  1. Just what I need today.

  2. This is perfect for what I need at this very moment actually.