Sometimes it feels like my life is a rerun of a cliche rom-com. Meet cute/cool/awesome guy, become good friends, he seems to be into me but then - out of nowhere - another girl appears on the scene, and here I am, back at square one, always known as the "really good friend" but never the girlfriend. How can I get out of this never-ending cycle? Am I putting out the wrong vibes or just entirely misreading the guys in my lifeI hear you.
Eternal friendship seems to be the name of the game sometimes.
Do you ever watch movies or television shows over and over again, and have this small part of you that hopes that the end will turn out different? No matter how many times I watch My Best Friend's Wedding, I still somehow hope Dermot Mulroney will change his mind and pick Julia Roberts. No matter how many times I watch Felicity, I still want her to pick Noel. I'm always disappointed, even when I know the ending.Sometimes my life feels like it parallels this concept. I find myself in similar situations (like in your case, friendships with men) and although it always ends the same way, there's still a part of me that hopes that this time, it'll be different. It feels masochistic. You'd think, by now, that if X (befriending cool guys) leads to Y (him never wanting to date you)...that eventually you would change some part of the equation. You'd think.
But it never works out like that.
We're caught in the cycle. The friend cycle.
And, as defeating and disappointing as it can be sometimes...I'm not sure I would change it. At least not for me.
Here's why:
My friendships with guys have taught me a lot, and I hope, on the other side of it...that my friendship with them has taught them something, too. While perhaps my initial reason for becoming their friend was because I was attracted to them or drawn to them for some romantic reason (or, even if over time I began to see them in that light because of the intimacy that was created through our friendship)...I think I can ultimately recognize that I care about them more as a person than I do a potential mate.
It's kind of the same idea that I wrote about yesterday...the idea that we have to view the men in our lives as more than someone to fulfill a means to an end. Which is why, no matter how many times I feel like I keep living out the same story when it comes to male friendship, I'll probably keep doing it. Because I think these guys matter. And, for this season...however long of a season it is...I know that I have to keep choosing to love them. To keep choosing to love them, encourage them, be there for them...even if it means they never choose me back in the way that I might sometimes hope for.
It's sometimes agonizing. But I always think it's worth it. Always.
Why?
Because somehow, when the friendship is about abundantly more than what I can get out of it, it seems fuller, richer, better. It's not limited to myself selfish, fleshly desires...it's not about catering to my 'needs'...but it forces me to look outside myself as I search for ways to serve, to challenge, to care about someone beyond me.
I don't have a solution for you.
I think some of us are just stuck in this cycle.
I could tell you to just steer clear of guys and 'guard your heart' when forming friendships with them, but I think that's silly and missing the point. I think that's making life all about romance and taking away the beauty and power that can come through opposite-gender friendships. I think, in the end, we have to really trust that the Lord is the protector of our hearts. And no matter how deeply we connect with others, our trust is in Him. It has to be.
Which means... that I'm going to be friends with guys, and occasionally I'll probably like some of them...and, more than likely, they aren't going to reciprocate the feelings. I get to choose how to respond. Will I still care about them, recognizing that the friendship can be about more than my romantic feelings for him? Will I trust that the Lord is still sovereign and good and continue to invest, knowing that He has it all under control? Will I decide that it's worth it to love someone else selflessly, even when their love for me looks different than I want it to? Can I believe that they genuinely still care about me, even if it isn't in the way that I think I'd like for them to?
I'm not saying be foolish.
I'm not saying to seek out the situations and throw yourself at guys and try your hardest to be their best friend. I'm not saying to pour your everything into them and only them and exclude all other relationships in your life. But, if you keep finding yourself here unintentionally? Don't get discouraged. The Lord might be using you in your male friends' lives, even if it doesn't always (or ever) play out the way you want it to. He may be asking you to love someone else even when it's hard, when it's inconvenient, when it hurts (and we may be learning more about His love through our obedience to love like that as well as being a part of giving that love to someone else).
Let whatever happen, happen.
Be their friend.
Exist in the eternal cycle of friendship. Let it be the season you're in right now... or maybe for what feels like years and years and years. Because, if we're loving well (regardless of gender), if we're pointing people to Christ, if we're encouraging and challenging them to be more like Him? I don't really think we can go wrong with that. And I'd rather have a million friendships with guys where my heart feels mangled at various points along the way, than live life unwilling to enter into risky scenarios where my reach to others is limited by my fear of pain.
Because the Lord is taking care of me.
He's been faithful in it so far.
And I do believe, at some point in my life, that things will change for me. That this won't be my story forever.
I don't need to worry about that right now, though.
What's before me are people to care about, to love (guys and girls alike)...and even if I still sometimes hope for things to be different and get crushed along the way...my ultimate hope still lies is in something greater, something better, something I can't even fully comprehend.
Maybe we'll never be the girlfriend, the fiancee, the wife.
But we'll be the friend.
The friend who loved well, who challenged, who cared deeply, who was (hopefully) a part of transforming lives.
I'm okay with that.
Even on the days when it hurts the most.
I always have to choose loving people...even when it doesn't turn out like I hope.
It's my call.
And it's yours, too.
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