Sexual Temptation

The Comment: 

I am looking for advice about relationships in the context of sexual temptation. I think it's actually a more common point of fault among Christians but few admit to it. I will admit I have struggled with it and gone too far physically. I once thought that keeping it a secret and removing and breaking ties with the person was the way around it. That is a start, but there is more to restoration and learning to fight against lust, and using the armor of the Lord in another step I think. There is power in confessing our sins to each other and having accountability. It can help free us from the shame or guilt Satan tries to bind us with. I am wondering what your advice is for people in the situation who know they have been wrong and want to overcome lust and restore their heart. Where does one start?

Thanks for your honesty, especially in regards to an issue that is, yes, often surrounded by guilt and shame.

There's a lot going on here, a lot to address... and it isn't very easy/comfortable stuff for most of us to talk about. While we can quickly throw up boundaries around our dating relationships and convince ourselves that we would never go further than [fill in the blank]...we often find ourselves in precarious situations where we compromise just a little. And then a little more. And then a little more....  It doesn't seem very harmful in the beginning, but eventually we're tied up in something that's more than what we bargained for.

I didn't meant to do that...
Guilt consumes. Shame bears down on us. How did I get here...? I never thought I would have done that... Sometimes we want to blame the other party. Sometimes we take full responsibility ourselves. It's messy, because we've entered into a physical intimacy with someone else that isn't committed to us for life....we've entered into a physical intimacy that wasn't intended for us... yet.

I want to stop right here and acknowledge, again, that sexual desire isn't bad. I think it's a natural tendency for us to slip into 'temptation' and 'lust' and immediately convince ourselves that everything sexual is bad and wrong. I think that's the wrong reaction and begins to foster a contempt for something that is meant, in the right context, to be so good.

So, in terms of how to handle being in a situation where you've messed up and want restoration and to overcome lust? I don't know if there's an exact science to it, if there's a formula to follow...but there's maybe some good guidelines to adhere to.

What I do know is that I think it's important and valuable for us to simply acknowledge that we have sexual desires. It's okay. It doesn't make us bad people. It makes us people...created fully with desire, a longing for sexual intimacy. The sooner we can acknowledge that we're sexual beings, I think the sooner we're able to figure out how to then proceed.

I think it's important to be self-aware. To know your tendencies, to know the things that cause you to want to go further, to know the things that cause you to lust. This is going to look different for different people...and it's certainly going to look different between males and females. If you know that laying down next to your boyfriend has tempted you push your boundaries, don't do it. If you know that being alone with your boyfriend causes you two to immediately take advantage of the privacy, make sure you're always in public settings. It requires self-control, self-discipline, a wanting and striving for holiness above the immediate gratification that the sexual act will provide.

The thing about boundaries is that only you (and your significant other) are the ones deciding whether you stick to them or not. As much as accountability can be an important thing, probably all of us have lied about something we've done or only told 'half-truths' or conveniently found ways to navigate around our friends' interrogations as they attempt to hold us accountable to the things we said we wanted (i.e. 'You asked if we kissed, and we didn't... I just forgot to inform you that we found other ways to explore each other's bodies...').

My point is that accountability only really works if we want it to. If we're willing to be truly open and honest about where we're at in our relationships. It only works if the person keeping us accountable is willing to ask hard, awkward questions and then respond with both grace and a steady call to greater when we admit that we've messed up. We have to feel safe in these relationships. Safe, but without allowance. It doesn't work if two people are holding each other accountable, both messing up, and mostly just relieved that they aren't the only ones who weren't willing to hold tight to their boundaries.

Confession is huge. I think you're right.
Because once light is brought into the darkness, into the secret things that we try to hide, the sooner healing can happen. The sooner we are able to find hope, the sooner we are able to receive encouragement and a push toward purity and self-discipline.

So, if you're in a spot where you've messed up....where you've gone too far sexually and you don't feel like you know how to recover? I assure you that there's hope. Don't condemn yourself for having sexual desires, but let's be people who understand ourselves well enough to know how to have self-control, who know how to flee from temptation when we need to, who know how to make decisions that push us toward better (especially in our relationships).

Attempt to discern what you need to do in order to maintain purity in your relationships. While, yes, it can be harder to not 'mess up' once you've gotten to a certain point physically, it's not hopeless. You just have to want it. You have to want purity more than the sex. Your desire for the Lord has to be greater than your desire for the other person, than your desire for physical gratification. It has to be. Sometimes this means stepping away from a relationship, but oftentimes it just means taking an honest look at yourself and being willing to evaluate where your heart is really at. It means living in a way that's refraining from what your flesh wants. It means living in a way that you trust the Lord with your sexual desires and are unwilling to act outside of that in your own timing and in your own way.

It doesn't mean denying desire.
But it does mean understanding the desires, understanding how they affect you...and how to best control them.

I do encourage confession with someone that you trust, someone who you know will continually point you back to Christ. Confession that's honest, raw, and full of reminders that even in our imperfections and screw-ups, the Lord is still faithful in loving us. Confession that ends on our knees as we recognize our continued need for Christ's grace to cover us.

But let us not be people who take advantage of the grace.
Let us be people, instead, who feel the weight of our sin...and we allow it to move us toward the better. Let us be people who are truly changed because of how Christ has saved us, redeemed us and called us to Himself.

We have to want Him more than all of the stuff in this world... because none of the other stuff matters.

There's hope.
Even in the worst situations, even in the biggest mess-ups, even when you did that when you never thought you would (or could)... there's a way out. Your life doesn't have to be defined by guilt and shame.

Move forward into the better.
It is for you.

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