I started watching Hart of Dixie last spring. It became a nice outlet in between studying and working...and I was immediately sucked into the (cliche) plot line of wondering just who Zoe Hart will pick. I'm a fan of Wade. Not because he's awesome or makes good decisions...but because he's honest.
This quote stuck out to me several months ago and while I wanted to write a blog way back when about it, it never happened.
You're always looking over your shoulder wondering what life should be instead of taking it for what it is.
I identified myself a lot in that statement.
The curse of the 'shoulds'.
Wondering to myself over and over and over again if I'm living life the way I 'should' be, if my relationships look like they 'should', if I'm being honest about what actually makes me happy versus what I think 'should' make me happy.
For example..
I dated a guy once who didn't necessarily fall under my category of 'guys I should like'. Soon that extended into trying to dictate what our relationship should look like. A Christian couple should do the following things: pray together and talk about God all the time. A Christian man, in a relationship, should lead well (i.e. ask challenging questions, care about my spiritual life, initiate godly conversations). Sometimes I compared our relationships to other relationships...and was convinced we should look like them. We should be more this, or less that, or just like them.
I was existing in a relationship, trying to meet every requirement in my head of what we should be, what he should be, how I should be....instead of taking it for what it was. I wasn't allowing us to be us...or him to be him. It was destructive, and I was far from happy because nothing was as it should be. You can guarantee he was unhappy, too.
Do you ever do that?
Nestle into a life filled with unhappiness because you're so busy trying to get everything to look as it should that you've not allowed it to just be what it is? Maybe it's a job. Maybe it's a relationship. Maybe it's even your relationship with the Lord.
Somewhere along the way we've created our own ideals of how certain things should be and when they don't measure up to that, we're disappointed...unhappy...unable to be honest about what we actually want because we're so caught up in what we think we're supposed to want.
I'm in a race to erase all the shoulds in my life.
They're confining and they breed a close-mindedness that I want nothing to do with. I want things to be what they are...I want people to be who they are...without me always trying to change it/them.
And yes- sometimes the shoulds can move us toward better, but too often I think the expectations we place on other people when we dance with the shoulds give way to a life of making others feel like they'll never be good enough. Sometimes they perpetuate a life of being continually dissatisfied. There's a balance, a fine line...and so much of the time we cross it, catering to a world of not allowing ourselves to see the good that's right in front of us because we're too focused on how it should be better/different.
I'm tired of ruining good things because I live my life by the shoulds. He should look like this, say this, do this...otherwise I can't date him. We should talk more often, be more open, talk about Jesus more. This ministry should have a better community, be more authentic, make me feel more welcomed. I should pray more, read more, spend more time serving others.
The shoulds breed guilt.
The shoulds breed disappointment.
The shoulds take really good things and rip them to shreds because they often don't stack up to the unrealistic (and sometimes untrue) ideals.
I can't do it anymore.
I don't want to.
May we find freedom as we slip away from a life of shoulds and allow ourselves to (yes, strive for better), but also simply be....and let other things be what they need to be. May we let our relationships blossom and look completely different from our friends', may we be open-minded enough to let him be who he is and recognize the good that dwells within without such criticism of him not being who we think he should be. May we let our jobs, our ministries, our friendships, our relationship with the Lord be, without all the pressure of the shoulds grossly distorting our views of true goodness.
Think about the ways the shoulds destroy your life (and make us sad people), and let's actively fight to not let them do so any longer.
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