Dealbreakers

Do you have dealbreakers?

You know...the things that come up about someone that make it absolutely out of the question that you would ever consider dating them (or continue to date them…)?

I’m on my way down to Texas, roadtripping with some co-workers, and much of our laughter has stemmed from ‘Dealbreaker” remarks.

• What if she was super sensitive about her missing arm, to the point where you could never talk about it and she never even acknowledged it was missing (i.e. You buy her gloves for Christmas and only give her one and she asks where the other one is)?
• What if she had rancid breath all the time?
• What about facial tattoos?
• What if he can’t back up a trailer?
• What if he exclusively wears crocs?

The conversation has been ongoing and ridiculous, but it’s reminded me that I definitely have dealbreakers. They used to be more superficial: If he can’t drive a standard, I won’t marry him (it seemed practical…), or, if he has no musical talent, it’s never going to work (my family loves music), or, if he isn’t athletic… (I couldn’t imagine being the one to teach our kids how to throw a ball).

Okay, okay… I’ll admit some part of me is still superficial. They are all things I’d like for my future husband to have, but I don’t think I could call them ‘dealbreakers’.

The thing about dealbreakers, though, is that so often we establish what these dealbreakers are for us and then we never allow ourselves to be open-minded when meeting people. For instance, if I determine that it’s a dealbreaker if a guy is shorter than me, I may be missing out on someone who is the greatest guy…

The thing about dealbreakers is that we have to be able to admit what our ridiculous dealbreakers are and what we should be willing to compromise on. We have to be willing to recognize what matters and what doesn’t. Is it ridiculous for me to never consider marrying someone because he’s tone deaf if he genuinely loves the Lord and it reflects in everything he does and is?

I do think there are important dealbreakers that we ought to adhere to. There are things that we shouldn’t be willing to compromise on. I’m not about to tell you what those should be for you, but I believe you ought to have some. But make sure it really matters. And make sure what you think matters right now are going to be the things that you’re going to think matter in 50 years (if he’s not the cutest guy you’ve ever seen, is that going to matter when you’re 70 years old? Is it going to matter when you’re raising children and struggling through hard life things together?).

There’s a balance (isn’t there always…).

Have important dealbreakers and dont compromise on them… but, please, do away with the dealbreakers that don’t matter, the ones that are ridiculous (you know what they are). Be open-minded. Allow people to surprise you. Be willing to see past initial impressions and get to know people beyond the things that seem ‘unbearable’. 

Get over the stupid stuff.

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