Unequally Yoked?

The Comment:

What if I fall in love with someone who isn't a Christian?

What if...

Well, I think I'd start by saying that the way this question is phrased makes it sound as though it can't be helped. Almost as if I imagine someone saying, "Debbie, you don't get it. I fell in love with him. I couldn't help it."

In which my response is, "Really...?"
Because, I think love is a choice. And I think too often we allow our emotions to dictate that choice... as though there is no other alternative to the situation. There is.

While I could throw some Scripture about being 'unequally yoked' at you to prove my point, I'm not going to. Most of us know it. It's not always a convincing argument (although it should be all we need). So, I'm going to say this...

I had a non-Christian man ask me several months back if I would ever consider dating a non-Christian man. In trying to navigate through the waters without offending, I explained it in such a way that conveyed the following: I wouldn't date a non-Christian because so much of my being is wrapped up in my faith and my relationship with the Lord. I can't imagine being married to someone who I couldn't share that with. I can't imagine trying to do life with someone who couldn't relate to me on my most fundamental level.

It goes further than that, though. I need a man who can challenge me, encourage me, inspire me in my relationship with the Lord. I need us to agree on things that Scripture tells us is true... especially as we live life together. It has to be the thing we base our lives on, the place we go back to when we disagree as we sort through finances, raising children, loving our neighbors, when we face hardship and tragedy. If we don't have that, our struggles will be even more intensified.

I need the man I marry to not just make me a better person, but a better lover of the Lord. If that's lacking, the relationship doesn't matter. It has to extend into eternity. Our relationship has to be about something far more than what this life is. Which means, if I marry a man who doesn't know or love the Lord and he only makes me happy... that's not good enough. It's just not enough. Period.

And so, to the Christian who thinks they are in love with the non-Christian? I get it. I get that you feel connected, that you feel like you've never felt before, that it's wonderful and incredible. I get it. But, I don't get how, if you're longing to know the Lord more intimately and deeply, how dating or marrying someone who doesn't understand that core part of who you are could ever be truly fulfilling.

Yes, I also get that people can change and that they might become a Christian over time... but you don't ever know that. You can't bank on it (unless you've had some divine revelation from the Lord that I'm not going to argue with, but I would still caution against a life-long commitment).

I got an anonymous comment recently from a girl who had a crush on a guy who wasn't a Christian. There was the potential of mutual interest, and so her immediate reaction was to avoid him, ignore him, distance herself from him. But she recognized that she was being called to love him even more...beyond the crush. That regardless of her romantic feelings for him, there was an infinitely greater call on her life to share Christ with him. This meant having a conversation that communicated that she was only interested in being his friend. And then it meant proceeding into a place that caused her heart to often soar, but she couldn't go there romantically.

She wrote:

I'm hoping that this awkward 'inappropriate crush' situation turns into one where this boy that *almost* stole my affections comes to know the affections of the One True God...not so that I can date him. But so that he might have a life fulfilled in the marriage-love of the Father.

And that's beautiful to me.
Because, in the end, it's not about us dating some really awesome guy for the sake of our own happiness. It's about furthering the Kingdom of God. It's about loving Him and loving others, not with our own agenda in mind. And whatever gets us to that place (being single forever, or married to man who helps make us better in our endeavor)...that is what is better.

I commend how this girl handled her predicament. She didn't play games with him, she didn't flirt with him, she didn't wait for him to pursue her and then tell him she couldn't date him. She was honest from the beginning and then sought to love him regardless.

So while you very well may find yourself in a situation where you feel like you're 'falling' in love with someone who doesn't share your core beliefs? You get to choose how to respond. You get to choose how to act. You could to choose how to love them or if you will love them.

I hope you are willing to see it as a choice. That you're willing to look at what Scripture says about this issue and pay heed. That you're willing to see the weight that an imbalance with such a heavy, deep important thing can have in a romantic relationship.

There will be someone that connects with you deeply and spiritually...that pushes you to know Jesus more in the way that they live and the way that they talk.
You don't have to compromise on this...nor should you.

It's worth waiting for.
No matter what emotional dream you're caught up in right now, stand firm in what you know to be true about this.

Choose what's better.
Choose what's right.
And remember that you not choosing to date someone because you don't believe the same things isn't bad...and it doesn't mean you don't care about them. It just means that this matters. It matters too much to play around with. And you can still love them beyond romantic intentions... you can love them beyond your own happiness. It just might have to look different than you sometimes want.

It's worth it.

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