The question is posed to you by a good friend. And maybe it's not even an ex, but maybe it's the guy you've had a crush on for thirteen years. Or maybe it's your best guy friend.
It's a situation that comes with a surge of a thousand different emotions...but it's one that many of us have experienced before.
How the heck do we handle it?
We're intimately linked to someone of the opposite sex (through friendship, romantic interest or past relationship baggage) and while so much of our hearts feel like we have a small corner market of ownership on that person, we don't. Not really. We can't call 'dibs' on them as though they're ours and no one else can have any piece of them.
But...sometimes we try to. And sometimes we feel like we have a right to. And sometimes we function out of that...and we're quickly converted into people who write betrayal all over ourselves: How could she do that to me?! She's known I've liked him forever...
We're hurt.
Devastated, sometimes.
Feeling abandoned, betrayed, lonely, forgotten... as we watch two of the closest people to us pair up and begin a life together without us.
I'd venture to say that it doesn't have to be like this, though.
There can be a good (and mature) way to respond to the suckiness of the situation. Because, it is sucky. And it is hard. But it doesn't have to crush us...nor should it.
If we genuinely care deeply about the people in our lives, if we are genuinely desiring to love them sacrificially and placing them above ourselves in all things...then it should also extend into the romance department. There cannot be an 'exception-clause' when it comes to matters of the heart.
It's a perspective shift that's required of us.
If I truly love my friend and if I truly care about the guy I've been crushing on for my entire life...wouldn't I want the best for them? And wouldn't I, no matter how much it might hurt me right now, want them to be together if that's what's best for both of them? If them being together is better than them being apart (especially if it's just to appease my emotional well-being)?
Our relationships with others can't be about an end-goal. Meaning, I can't have all these men lined up in my life that are 'off-limits' because I want them reserved for me and the possibility of being more than friends with them someday, or because I don't want anyone else to have them because it would hurt me too much. We have to be willing to treat people like people. Not as our lousy discards, not as some prize to be won. People...with their own emotions, desires, hopes, dreams... not people to obtain as the answer to our dreams.
Let other people be happy.
Live in such a way that encourages that.
Let other women date your ex-boyfriend. He isn't yours anymore.
Let other women date your best friend. He's not yours. Not like that. Want good for him (and not in the passive aggressive sort of way, either).
Let other women date your crush. If he hasn't shown an interest in you, it's maybe time to move on. Don't try to dictate or control the situation by keeping all other women out of the way. It won't work out in your favor.
Be women who love the men in your life well, even if that means letting go... relinquishing control...giving up. Be women who love the friends in your life well by being supportive and encouraging and not resentful, jealous and bitter.
Be gracious.
Even when it hurts, even when it comes at your expense.
We can't demand for others to cater to us in this capacity...and I think we only hurt ourselves (and everyone else) when we try.
It's not about us.
The sooner we can start living like that, the better.
And the sooner we can, ultimately, start trusting that the Lord truly does desire good things for us...the more we're able to really let go and not try to grasp at and hold onto things (and people) that don't belong to us. He's taking care of us...even through the heartache, even through the disappointment, even when we watch everyone else get what we think we want.
So, when we're asked the question?
Let's respond with grace, love, support, encouragement...(which can all be done through a lens of honesty, but not selfishness and control).
It can still hurt, it can still suck, we can still mourn over it... but we still need to let it go.
Let him go.
Our better awaits us somewhere else.
It's the hope that we have.
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