Fall 2011

A few years ago, I decided I was going to get married.  Like, actually get married…not just wish I could get married.

Fall 2011.

It was the set time in my mind.

I figured since everyone else my age seemed to be in serious dating relationships, engaged or married (some with kids!) it seemed time to get my act together. Instead of just wishing I could get married, I was going to pray faithfully… I was going to pray specifically that this would happen.

I felt like if God could do all kinds of impossible that He might even be able to bring some fabulous man into my life. Some of you may recall my struggle with doubt… so, I decided that instead of doubting that God would do this, I would proclaim that He could and would.

It didn’t stop with prayer. I told people about it. I had others pray for it specifically, too. In fact, I had never really prayed for anything so specifically before…and I had certainly never prayed so diligently about something.

You can imagine my excitement when I started dating someone in the fall of 2010… and you can also imagine the immense amount of pressure and expectation I put on the relationship.

Needless to say, we’re entering into the fall of 2013 and I'm single.

What happened?!

In hindsight, I feel a little ridiculous. A little ignorant.

It was almost as if I was testing the Lord. Almost as if I were saying, ‘Lord, if you don’t give me this at this time…you aren’t good.’ That His goodness was contingent on Him giving me exactly what I thought I wanted at the time in which I thought I should have it.

It’s something a spoiled brat might do. Something that would then allow me to, upon not getting what I wanted, storm into my room, slam the door and yell about how unfair life is, how much I hate my parents (God), and throw a temper tantrum/pity party.

Fortunately, that’s not exactly how it all went down.

I think I ultimately realized that even if this doesn’t happen in the time frame in which I’d like for it to (no matter how faithfully I’ve prayed for it)… that it doesn’t change God’s faithfulness or goodness. In fact, perhaps it speaks more loudly of His goodness and faithfulness. That when He knows that there’s a better for me, He’s unrelenting in not giving me what I think I want. He’s willing to disappoint me in the moment because He knows that what He has for me is better.  He’s teaching me…and I am thankful.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s easy for Him to say, ‘Not yet.’ ….especially when He could see how much I wanted it. But He asks me to wait, to trust Him that there’s a better… and to trust that maybe that better may not even include a husband and a family.

I have to choose to be okay with that.

And while I'm (honestly) sometimes the spoiled brat who goes into my room, upset and dwelling in my limited perspective of what I don’t have… the Lord is gracious in continually reminding me of what I do have. Of patiently waiting for me to get over myself and realize how He is enough, He is what satisfies, He is.

I love praying specifically for things.

I love praying for things to happen in a certain amount of time.

But, we have to be cautious in how we may be limiting or testing God when we pray like this. We have to be willing to allow Him to answer the prayers in ways that we may not want or expect. We have to be able to pray for things without it changing our perspective on the truth about Him or His character.

Perhaps it’s a job, a promotion, a grade, a relationship, an illness, finances, addiction…and perhaps we feel continually defeated when the prayer doesn’t get answered the way we want when we are praying so faithfully and diligently. Perhaps we doubt…perhaps our understanding is limited. It doesn't change who God is, though. 

But I pray that we would be people who would still trust in the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness…and in His sovereignty. That we can pray specifically, but pray loosely….knowing that in the end His plan far surpasses ours, that He sees the big picture when our eyes are so limited.

When I remember that, I’d rather Him make all the decisions.

Wouldn’t you?

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