Face to Face

I'm deeply content.
And deeply dissatisfied.

I journaled this today:
I don't know how to escape the depth of the heartache, the longing...even when I am swallowed up in so much good.

I scampered up some rocks today, quickly reaching a lookout where the views felt quite surreal. 'I live here...' It's a thought I repeat to myself daily as though it will eventually sink in that this place is now home. It hasn't yet.

So I sat, continually enchanted by the light interacting with the clouds, as it danced on the mountains. It's beautiful here. And every few seconds feels more beautiful than the last. I can't keep up.

It is good.
My job, my community (mixed with old and new faces alike), my house... it's good.
I'm constantly humbled, excited, terrified about everything this transition means, but above anything else I'm assured that this is where I am meant to be. Right now, anyway.

And so I'm deeply content.
But as I watched the dance out in creation, my heart still longed for something more. It felt like something was missing. Something important.

Immediately my flesh craved the intimacy of a man, 'If only I had a husband, this would be entirely perfect'. Immediately my flesh craved the comfort of a family, 'If only I had a child of my own, this would be entirely perfect'.

They are the things I tell myself occasionally. If only this, then I would be satisfied. It's a bad hypothesis. My flesh looks for the things of this world that I do not have and immediately assumes that that is what is missing. These things I 'should' have are the missing puzzle pieces to a life of true fulfillment.

My flesh is wrong.
Today I'm extremely aware that my deep longings cannot be satisfied in a spouse, or my own children, or a dream job, or incredible scenery, or a life-giving community, or a sweet house, or a loving family.   Today I'm extremely aware that even in the midst of true, deep contentment...even in the midst of knowing Jesus and the hope that I have in Him...something is still missing. There's still an ache, a void, a longing.

A hole that nothing here can satisfy.

Today I'm reminded, yet again, that this life I'm living is such a small scene in the picture of eternity. That one day Jesus and I will be face to face.
That while even though I get glimpses of that joy and that wholeness here on earth, it fades. But one day it will last forever. And on that day the hole will be filled, the ache will be healed, the longing will truly be satisfied.

I'm deeply content.
And deeply dissatisfied.
But hopeful for what awaits...for what awaits is far better than anything this earth or my mind can conjure up. For I cannot escape the chasm that exists in the here and now, but my hope lies in something greater... the One who bridges the gap.

Somehow the hope chisels away the dissatisfaction as I'm reminded that this world is not my home.

May He remind us over and over again of the hope that we have...and that one day we will be eternally satisfied by He who matters most, without all the flirting of would-be substitutes that all too often leave us empty.

Looking forward to the day...

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